I need him now more than ever

[shay2]

So I'm 15 and I have been depressed for about 4 years now and only 1 or 2 people know about it.  Since I was 13 I was with this boy who treated me like crap and emotionally abused and manipulated me to do things with him, a couple of months ago he told me he never cared about me and I was heartbroken.  Then I got a new job and hit it off with this new guy and I completely fell for him, he is so sweet and kind and stable.  I really thought we had something and then he started dating another girl from our work and kissed her in-front of me.  It isn't his fault because I never told him how I felt but now its agony to watch them together and I'm happy that he's happy but I need him.  He was the first good thing in my life for 4 years.  When I first found out that he was dating someone else, ​I cried for about 3 days.  When you love someone; you have to be brave, brave enough to tell them how you feel, or brave enough to watch them love someone else.

I really don't know what to do because I still like my job and cherish my friendship with him and she is a nice girl so I know he isn't unhappy but I feel so down about it.  I know I'm young or whatever but he was my world, the minute we started talking we just clicked and he made me so genuinely happy about myself, now when I look at myself in the mirror I just see everything wrong with me and how I'm not her and he will never see me as more than a friend.  

She is a bit older than him and has a kid, she is 21 and he is 17 and I just feel like a 17 year old boy has to really love her to help look after her kid and pretty much live with her.  He lives with his mum but spends every night at his girlfriends and then they go to uni together and work together all night before repeating this process.

I know I want him to be happy but is it wrong that I kind of hope it ends?

I'm sorry you had to read my petty teenage drama, I hope some of you can relate or give me advice.  I will try to reply to all the advice.

-Shay xx

[Zeal]

Hi Shay,

You sound like a really nice person, especially because you are able to feel happy for this guy on some level. You are young, but you clearly feel deeply about this guy, and really care about him. I'm a bit older than you, but I am young at heart (I think). I'm a 22 year old female.

I'm sorry about the abuse you suffered at 13. I really hope you never have to experience this again. Have you been formally diagnosed with depression? I recommend seeing your GP and talking about all these experiences and hardships you've faced. It's really helpful to be able to speak freely about these matters, as it will allow your doctor to better understand you and your situation, and will also allow you to process and come to terms with what is troubling you.

This 17 year old guy is probably nice. I obviously can't form a genuine opinion of the situation, as only you know what happened between you two. However, it seems a little rough that he started dating someone from your work soon after getting closer to you. Perhaps he is confused himself at the moment.

Try not to be hard on yourself. As you are only 15, and this other girl is 21, you are at a slightly different stage of life to her. Therefore, it is unfair to you for comparisons to be made. I'm presuming you're still at school and living at home. Your situation is different, and you still have plenty of time to find out what you want in life. I hope you are able to adjust to being friends with this guy, if he continues to be in a relationship with this other girl.

What you have described is definitely not petty teenage drama. Believe me, I've heard it before, and this is not it 🙂 It's actually natural for a part of you to hope that he isn't with this girl forever. The fact that you want him to be happy and recognize that she is nice and makes him happy, shows you are a good and genuine person.

I hope everything works out as best it can.

Best wishes,

SM

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Well, putting focus on other meaningful things should help.  It could be family or friends, writing, your education, philanthropy, or whatever else gives you personally a sense of meaning.

"He was the first good thing in my life for 4 years" and "he was my world" is an alarm bell.  This is called a single point of failure.  Imagine a centipede with only one leg.  Not a good setup, right?  If his one leg gives out, he can't move anymore.  If he had a bunch more legs, any one (or two or three) could break and he would still be fine.  So, look for more ways to engage with the world than just romance.  It's nice, but it's not the only thing.

"Plenty more fish in the sea" is a grotesque understatement.  There are 7 billion of us.  Way too many for anyone to even meet in a lifetime.

It's understandable that a part of you would want them to break up (and it doesn't make you a bad person), but I don't think it's at all useful for you.  It's just wishful thinking.  It'll make your focus on this one guy last longer, because you're telling yourself "They might break up!  I shouldn't let go of him!".  Really, I think the best thing for you is to let go of him as a romantic prospect.  Look around at other guys (or girls).  Don't discount them just because they aren't him.  Take them as their own people, rather than comparing them to him.  Don't think that you're somehow "betraying your love for him" by looking at other guys.  Don't think that your ability to love must be "fake" if you can look at someone else "so easily".  It's not useful to hold onto feelings for someone when it's not actually a real relationship.  It just hurts you for no reason.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

P.S. "look for meaningful things / ways to engage with the world" doesn't necessarily have to be new things.  These things could already exist in your life, but you may not be giving them the proper credit they deserve.

[shay2]

Dear SM,

First off, thanks for replying and giving your input, it was nice to hear someone else’s take on the situation as I haven’t really talked with anyone else about it.  The things I went through when I was younger were tough but have taught me to recognize the warning signs of an abusive relationship and hopefully allow me to avoid them in my future.

I have been diagnosed, my mum saw some cuts when I was 12 (I had already been depressed for a year) and she took me to the doctors and he diagnosed me, I then attended some therapy sessions but didn’t enjoy them so acted as if I was better, I know you shouldn’t fake it but the therapy made it worse, I didn’t like my therapist and didn’t feel comfortable opening up to her.  Although still being depressed, I like to think I have made progress towards getting better, especially after letting go of some toxic people in my life.

Anyway back to the issue on hand.  This boy is lovely and I truly think he didn’t know how I felt so therefore was not as careful about getting into a relationship with someone else.  I have since pushed him away a bit, we are still friends and get along fine but I don’t act the same way around him because I don’t want to cause drama with the girl as we are all in the same workplace and I would hate to upset the peace.  I also want to give him the best chance at being happy and not hold him back at all.

I am still in school and I hadn’t even thought about how the other girl and I were at different stages in our life, so thank you a lot for pointing that out as it has made me take a step back and realize its okay not to be her.

You have genuinely helped me a lot and made me feel a bit better about this situation, best of wishes to you in the future xxx

-Shay

[shay2]

 Hi vegetarian marshmallow,

Again; thank you for your advice and input on the issue.  The post and the way I write may have betrayed me a bit here.  I spend a large portion of my time on this guy but I certainly am not neglecting other aspects of my life.  I get sufficient sleep, have a good handful of friends, keep my grades up and I am currently learning French.  I don’t believe in letting one person ruin your whole life, I’m just currently upset with the way things are.

You pointed out that some things I said were an alarm bell, I totally understand where you are coming from and I loved the centipede analogy, it was the perfect way to get your message across, but again although he was my world and I very much cared for him; I’m determined to not let it cripple me.  “Plenty of fish in the see”, a bit cliché but I like it, again it’s very relevant to my current situation.

I may hope that the relationship doesn’t last forever but I'm certainly not going to be the one to break them up, that would make me a really horrid person and I don’t think I could forgive myself for tearing apart something that clearly makes them both happy.  I know I can’t wait for him forever but I don’t think I am ready to move on and look for someone else to like, it’s not fair to make someone a rebound because you can’t have your first choice.  When I do feel ready to let go and seek other romance; I will keep your words in my head and apply them as efficiently as possible.

Just like SM, you have made me see the situation in a different light and I think that is very helpful and eye opening so thank you very much x

-Shay

[Zeal]

Dear Shay,

I'm really glad to hear that my post has been helpful! You are handling this situation well, in that you are being careful not to cause drama, and that you are wanting him to be happy in his current relationship.

Good luck with school, and the future 🙂

Best wishes,

SM