I miss him so much.

[ritts]

I miss him so much it hurts. We were good until we went long distance. I wanted us to work out and I wanted our relationship to be better but it didn’t work out. It got worse and eventually I blocked him and permanently ended things. We didn’t work out, we don’t suit each other. Still I love him so much and believe no one is better than him. He’s my world and I can’t just let go so easily. I’ve tried moving on but I always go back to him. This time I want to stop going back. I looked at our old messages and there is about nine straight pages of me apologizing. I was always the one apologizing and he never apologized for anything. He was toxic and emotionally and mentally abusive yet now that him and I are officially over forever I can’t live without him. He didn’t know how to communicate, he never texted first, he always wanted to do something sexual and never wanted to have an actual conversation but I still find a way to convince myself I love and need him. I wish we were perfect together and I wish he was with me forever. It felt like he was the only one who knew how to make me happy and that he was the only one who understood me but he was manipulative. He isn’t a good man and I know that but we lasted so long and I feel so hurt that it’s over. I think about unblocking him and adding him back multiple times. Telling him I’m sorry for ruining us even though it wasn’t just me. He brought out the worst version of me and I was so drained with him. Now that we’re over I miss that feeling. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be happy in love because for the time period that we were together I’d be happy having a single conversation with him. We didn’t do anything any normal couple did because he never tried to save us. He only came back because he knew I’d take him back and I’d apologize a million times. I feel disgusted and angry with myself for letting our relationship go this far. I’m weak and I have attachment issues. I’m struggling and some days I just want to curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep. No one loved me the way he did, toxic or not. No one will ever love me like he did.

[Bob_22]

Hi ritts,

Thanks for your post. Sounds like your hurting. I can imagine it can be tough and the wounds are fresh coming out of an intense relationship like the one you described. But, from my perspective, it sounds like you made a logical decision in your best interest which you are now second guessing (which is only natural). My advice would be to wait a little bit before deciding to text/unblock him. It sounds like you're going through extreme grief at the moment with some fluctuating emotions attached. It's difficult but now might not be the best time to make significant decisions while you're hurting. It unfortunately takes time, but the initial sting of the break up will pass eventually and when it does you will be in a clearer headspace to make a decision. 

In the meantime, I might suggest you lean on any support network or friends/family that you have. They can help ease the burden and take your mind off your partner. If possible, it would be even greater to have a chat to your GP about setting up an appointment with a counsellor. You won't likely be able to see one in the next few weeks but it would be good to debrief with them how you've gone as well as look at some of the features of your relationship you described.

Hope this helps a little and keep us updated on how you're going.

Bob