I'm not sure what I'm doing with uni family and my own life, help?

[MoniKay]

Hey

two years ago my dad passed away from a terminal illness leaving my mother with 6 kids, including me. There's four younger under me. The whole time since then she hasn't done anything to help herself and she is so negative and demeaning to the kids it's borderline emotional abuse because they all need help and she doesn't understand them. I've tried to help the situation and I've done and tried everything to help her and support my kids.

I have my own depression and anxiety and I can't deal with mum I stay at a friends because I can't bare to be in the same house as her. I took a gap year for this year because my kids needed help and support but things are getting worse at home and I want to continue Uni next year but I feel I can't. I want to get back in shape but I'm working at woollies, doing part time at my church and I have kids that need me. I have no time for myself and it kills me because I don't know how to make things better at home.

I've tried to tell mum how things are going and what impact she has on the kids but she turns everything i say into an attack. I've told her so many times over text over the phone and in person and she doesn't understand.

I want to call docs but my dad worked there for his job and I know it'll kill my mother.

I feel like she's taken part of my life and my freedom away and it breaks my heart when I find my kids crying in their rooms because of her yelling and just the way things are. I can't help the kids and I don't know how or where to go. I'd like anyone's help as ruthless as it is I just need advice and help.

i just want to have my own life.

[white knight]

Hi Monikay, welcome

You are in an unusual situation indeed. Thats why I'm lost as to how to help.

Because it is unusual, you likely cant expect to carry out a normal life as you wanted. There us a balance you have to find. It might be delaying uni again. I dont know.

My reply here will bump your post to the top again and hopefully another answer.

All the best

Tony WK

[Unbeliever]

That's a rough one. Tough to give advice.

Sounds like your mum has hitten grief hard. Although I don't know what she was like before. So that is just an assumption.

You said that you are the 5th of 6 kids? So 4 younger and 1 older right? You didn't mention the older sibling... are they any help?

How old are the others? Are they old enough to be able to work together to help each other out? Picking up some of the slack of your mother?

And did you mean that you have kids as well that also live with your mother or did you mean "my kids" as in your younger brothers and sisters? How many people exactly are living under the one roof?

Depending on how old everyone is, and how mature they are for their age your best bet might be to sit them all down (without your mother) and explain that the best outcome for all of you is to work together to help each other out when and wherever possible while your mum is like this.

All the responsibility should not fall only on your shoulders, which is why I'm thinking that if possible sharing some of the load between you all might be the best option. Relying on each other.

Getting everyone to help the others in little and big ways depending on their strengths and weaknesses (and ages). Become a unified team to the benefit of everyone so as not to have to depend on your mother as much as possible until she recovers... or whatever.

Might work, might not. Depends on the maturity of all of you and how much love you have for each other. But looking out for each other during this period is better for everyone involved in the short term and the long run.

As for your mum, it sounds like she needs help. Unfortunately it is impossible to help someone until they are ready to recieve help and it seems that your mum is not ready. So until she is, it is hard to say what is best to do with her.

It is probably just best if you all focus on helping each other out for now and relieving some of the burden off your shoulders.

There are some Youth hotlines and services like "Child and Youth Health" with professionals that might know of some other options available to you. Assistance, advice, services etc. Might be worth giving some of them a call.

Sorry, I don't know the numbers. Perhaps someone else on this forum does.

You really sound like a tough kid, you have my respect, I wish you the best of luck. I hope everything works out.

Oh... and I'm sorry about your father.