I'm a mess right now.

[dream98]

Hi there.

All my emotions and thoughts have been kept inside of me for a long time and I know I have been suffering from severe depression for many years. It's been about 7 years now and the past year or so, all those feelings bottled up have gotten to me and now are affecting how I live my day-to-day life. Even when I was suffering, I never thought it would get in the way of what I really prioritise and find really important. What I find the most important to me is my education and my friends and family. Having depression for all those years have tarnished the way that I feel about myself. I guess my self-esteem is as low as it can be and my self-concept, I just think I’m a failure and just worthless. I'm gay, got teased about it since I was 12 until the end of year 10 or so. I know theres nothing wrong with that, but those around me or my 'friends' made it out as though you were that guy that there was something wrong with and would never get anywhere. All I wanted was to be accepted so I did try and change my demeanour and the way that I am to fit in, but it never worked. I no longer get teased and I really want to accept myself for who I am. Coming to the end of my high school years in year 12, I truly struggled to do simple tasks, completing homework until it got to the point where I got far behind and was too afraid to attend class. Not only did this happen, but I isolated myself from the world and stopped talking to my friends and didn't check social media as I was too afraid of what they would think of me. Now that I am in University, it seems that these feelings of depression are still with me. I have no motivation and no sense of urgency to do anything work related. I'm in exam period now and have not started studying. I don't know what to do.

[white knight]

Hi dream,

Most of us have been bullied but teased over your sexuality is deplorable and lifelong scars is the result.

Time to pat your self on the back.

Firstly, there us an lgbti thread here that might suit. Search for it.

Even though you have had 7 years depression here is a few threads I've started that might hit a cord. Google them

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Topic: depression, a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

There are many more. Perhaps reading one every night could be your therapy?

Post anytime

Tony WK

[BballJ]

Hi dream98,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Well done for reaching out for advice and help, truly a strong thing to do.

Sorry to read what you have gone through, being teased for sexuality is just so rough, no one should ever go through it. white knight has pointed out some good topics to look at but my question for you is have you ever spoken to a GP or a psychologist about your depression, I know you said you have just bottled it up but have you ever spoken to anyone about it or is this the first point of contact for you?

Please remember you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss any feelings you are going through.

My best for you,

Jay

[dream98]

Thanks Jay and Tony for your time and response! Those topics you have mentioned are a great place to start.

Jay, yes I have kept this to myself and no one really knows that I have been going through this since. I have met with my year 12 school councillor just twice, but I had not told her about my past with depression, only that I was having trouble with studying and was a bit depressed. She only went through breathing techniques with me and ways to help with stress, so it wasn't as helpful because I didn't really explain everything to her and she probably didn't understand the extent to which I was suffering. I was thinking about going to see the University counsellor but have been putting it off for sometime now. I've written a letter because I feel as though I can better communicate my thoughts on it which I could show. The only thing now is to make an appointment and go which is quite scary for me.

[geoff]

hello Dream, thanks Tony and Jay for replying it's always good for people to know that they do have same support behind them.
The first misconception is that you automatically think you're a failure when depression comes upon you, but that's not right, and you should never feel that way, although depression seems to take control and makes you believe this.
If your friends want to tease you then it's them with the problem and they can't be called friends, because no matter what changes in your life, and they support and help you in any way then they can be called a friend, that's a privilege you have given them.
Reject any comments made to you about your sexuality, stand strong and if you can do this then any bad mouthed remarks will bounce off you.
Perhaps think about deferring uni at the moment, it's a course which you may have lost interest in, or your depression has really taken over, then it's only going to be a time which you are wasting, more importantly you have to get the help you need, before you get the strength you need to move forward.
Look into maybe becoming an apprentice into something which could be different to what you usually like doing.Geoff.

[dream98]

Hi and thank you Geoff. I sort of think it is my depression that has taken over that has made me lose interest in everything especially Uni. I think I would enjoy this pathway that I have chosen and did like the subjects that I had taken in high school to get here. The loss of motivation and reclusiveness have only really started last year in year 12, and I had never done that before then. As much as I would like to focus on my well being and get past this, I can't really defer uni until next year. My parents would kill me and I have met some really nice people. If I fail any subjects, I guess id have to repeat it and i'm fine with that. My mid semester break is coming up after these exams. I was wondering if I should get help during this break to sort some stuff out and continue going. I'm not quite sure who to go see first though.

[BballJ]

Hi dream98,

I think seeing someone as soon as you can will be such a good thing for you.. I know it's hard to speak about things, I have had the same issues as well, you mentioned you were writing your feelings down, this is perfect, write down everything you are feeling and pass those notes to your GP or counsellor and they can at least start to understand, you said you saw the year 12 counsellor but not telling them the whole story isn't allowing them to help you, you really have nothing to lose by reaching out for the right help, we have all been through mental health issues which is why we are here and most of us have been to see counsellors and can talk about the amazing benefits of them.

My best,

Jay