I just don't know anymore.

[Leoj]

I don't know where to begin. For the last year or so I feel as though I have been a lot sadder. It all started with the loss of some of my friends from school and although I made new ones I don't feel like there always there for me, and I just hate my school in general. Not only this but I'm the type of person who I guess you can say is sensitive, every time someone talks crap about me or makes fun of me I just soak it up and it really hurts me, to the extent where it will be on my mind for the rest of the night. i don't often tell people this however as it would just make me appear as though I am a weak male, even though I know I am. Recently my whole attitude has changed towards my family I sometimes feel as though I'm hated. I'm always getting yelled at and screamed at and lately I've just been snapping back cause I just don't know what to do anymore. This can result in me being hit sometimes or even just more abusive comments. I work 6 days a week just to escape all of this even though I'm trying to balance it with school. At work I feel a little better as it's just an escape from everything, but all the comments made towards me there also get to me. It's just gotten to the stage where I don't know, I feel like my life is just a constant repeat of work, school, homework and sadness. I think I may be depressed however I don't know as there are people who I know are going through much worse. Ita gotten to the stage where I feel like I need to do drugs or something to feel happy. Only the other day I went to a party and however usually I wouldn't I just started drinking a whole lot of alcoholic beverages in hope I'd feel better. However even then ironically I felt no change of anything it made me feel worse. I do have suicidal thoughts however I'm too much of a coward to do anythjng. I just dont know anymore. I just feel so alone, I want to runaway. Sorry for the essay.

[ahw309]

Hi Leoj,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting!

I'm sorry about the changing friendships, and that you don't feel your new friends are always there for you. Friendships, and any relationships, can be difficult to navigate, especially in high school (which I assume you are in? Please correct me if I'm wrong) where everyone is young and going through a lot of change and turbulence, and you are constantly around the same group of people. Maybe with a bit of time you will become closer with your new friends and the friendships will strengthen. If not, I know in time you will find friends who are fully supportive and always there for you, like you deserve.

I consider myself a sensitive person too, and although it can be difficult at times, senstivity also brings strengths, such as empathy. Being sensitive does not at all make you a weak male. I already know that you're very brave and strong, as you posted here, which is not an easy thing to do. It requires a lot of courage. 🙂

From your post, it seems as though you may be experiencing depression. It really concerns me that you feel the need to turn to drugs as a sort of escape, and that you've been having suicidal thoughts.

I would very strongly suggest you talk to someone about the way you are feeling. Going to your GP is a really good idea if possible, or your school counsellor, and maybe also speaking to a trusted family member, friend, or teacher.

There are also many helplines, including the beyondblue helpline (1300 22 4636) that you can call if your thoughts become overwhelming and distressing, or if you simply just need to talk things through with someone.

I hope something I said has been a little helpful. Remember that even though there may be people going through something worse, it doesn't make your struggles and experiences any less important.

Please feel free to post again if you'd like. The forum is a welcoming and non-judgemental place, and we're always ready to listen and offer support where we can.

Take care! 🙂

[geoff]

hello Leo, Ahw has given you so great tips and phone numbers for when you are feeling down, which at the moment is most of the time, but from what you have said your self-esteem and confidence is very low, and as each comment is said back to you it just mounts up on all the other comments.
Can I suggest for you to google K-10 which is a test to say whether or not you do have depression, however from what you are saying it does seem that you could have it, but you will need a doctor diagnosis to determine this as I'm not qualified to say.
Alcohol is a depressive drug and even though you may feel happy after a few drinks it will turn into you being sad and possibly start to cry, which I feel as though this maybe happening already.
Please any idea of starting to take any drugs is a big no, it will only lead you into far more trouble than what you are in now, because you won't want to do anything, school, work and especially homework, it will only make you feel the need to steal, be dishonest and break in to whatever suits you, and it will wipe out years of your life, instead you need to see your doctor and talk to them about what is concerning you.
Don't even sample any drug because once you do you may get hooked and that's the worst decision to make.
We are pleased that you have posted and would really like to continue this on. Geoff.