I don't know where to go from here.

[BakingBabushka]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a tough spot at the moment. I've been chronically ill for about 2.5 years, most of it I have been bed or chair ridden not being able to travel anywhere due to what it does to me. I didn't initially tell my friends or family much because I just assumed I was going to die and didn't want to get close to anyone, plus I also couldn't talk because it made me sick. I didn't have a lot of choice and they were supportive from a far. None of them ever visited me for my 6 month hospital stint and they don't reach out to me personally. Lately I've become more mentally alert and able to start doing a little more so I'm noticing more around me. I've been getting really upset and get in spots where I can't make myself happy or just want to crawl up in a ball and cry for days. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I've tried talking to them about it but they're all so busy with their own lives I don't get the chance. I don't really know what to do anymore, besides my immediate family I don't have anybody checking on me or visiting me. I'm scared one day I'm going to get into one of my bad places and never come out of it because I feel completely alone and sometimes wonder if they would actually notice if I checked out for a few days. I don't like asking for help and talking about my personal life but I can't keep watching them all be best friends and I'm at home crying myself through another week alone. Does anyone have any advice as to how I can get my friends to help me or actually care?

[Zeal]

Hi BB,

Welcome to the forum!

I don't know what exactly you've been through, but it sounds as though it was really scary. It's great that you have passed the worst of this illness

I was in hospital for a few months when I was 19, and I lost contact with virtually all friends, and just was around family. After I made a full recovery, it took me a while to get out of my shell again. Early last year I met a new group of people through my oldest/closest friend, and I've been included in this group of people since. I wasn't able to allow myself to reconnect with people until I had fully recovered and gained some faith in myself. Ideally, friendships continue during illness, but this isn't always the case.

It's not that friends don't care, but that they don't really know what to do or feel saddened by the friend's suffering. Sufferers also tend to withdraw socially and emotionally. I felt ashamed at the time, and I also didn't have the energy to maintain friendships. My sister has been more distant since I became mentally ill in 2012, and it took time for this to start to improve.

Your immediate family would care about you. Try talking to them about the social isolation you feel. As for your friends, maybe start by texting them, or sending fb chat messages. Ask about how they're doing and about their lives. When they ask about you, it's okay not to tell them everything at once. Take it slowly, and tell them what you feel comfortable with.

It would be great to hear back from you. If you feel comfortable doing so, you could say a few more things about yourself 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[BakingBabushka]

Hi Zeal,

Thank you so much for your reply. It's really helped me understand a little better how someone has come through it on the social front.

My immediate family, like my mum, dad, brother, an uncle and a cousin, the rest of my family haven't really shown much of anything. Which is ok because I understand that it's difficult to understand everything and try to show care when they have their own lives.

I'm 21 at the moment and have been sick since I was 18. I was in and out of hospital for a couple months at the start and middle of 2014. I had an appendectomy and then it went south the day after and I've been unwell ever since. They didn't know what was initially wrong with me so I kept bouncing from home to hospital and Doctor to Doctor. I was told it was in my head initially (as if I would do that torture to myself) and my parents were told by one doctor to be prepared to say good bye if nobody can work it out, soon. Anyway, fast track to 2016 and I haven't been back in hospital since middle 2015 and have a diagnosis of multiple nasty internal infections, depression and anxiety. All which make life a little difficult.

My group of school friends have been as supportive as they know how, I just worry they're going to move on with their lives and forget me because I can't go out with them and I've missed a lot of parties and events. In the last 2 days one of my "best friends" decided I wasn't worth it anymore and she was too 'cool' for a sick friend. So that's been a little mentally challenging as she is dropping me now because I can't make it to her 21st party, which is pathetic but eye opening for me.

I can't travel well in cars as it makes me unwell for not only the ride but also the time I'm out (and next day), making it difficult to go to parties or even just enjoy life. It's hard being cooped up in the house for so long but on that front I'm mentally fine it's just the social stuff that's taking its toll on me now.

Hopefully this wasn't too much or too confusing. Just nice to actually get it all off my chest without someone throwing it back at me.

I'm really sorry that you were sick and went through the social crap that happens when someone is in that situation. The time when you think everyone would surround you and rally, they disappear and think it's ok. I'm really happy you're in a better place and hope it continues for you!!

I will definitely take your advice and start being a little more honest with them all!

thank you again.

[Zeal]

Hi BB,

I thought I would check-in with you to see how you're doing 🙂

You have certainly been through a difficult and frustrating period of illness, and I'm glad you are working through the challenges with determination. Unfortunately, there are some people who struggle to stick by people through tough times. It may be because they find it too difficult, are impatient or lack the understanding (or maybe all three, or something else). The way your friend treated you wasn't fair, but I'm glad you seem to have accepted this, despite it being difficult mentally.

Thanks for your kind words. I am fortunate to have great friends and a loving boyfriend now. My parents are also really supportive.

Best wishes,

Zeal