What is wrong with me? / Vent

[Alec]

Hi everyone,

I have always been self critical and have struggled with low self esteem all my life, it got a bit better when i went to high school but in the last year or two it has gotten worse, i have been diagnosed with depression but I dont feel depressed i go through months of being fine and them boom im depressed for a few hours to a few days i wouldnt say im happy the rest of the time im just meh I get angry very easily and i take it out on others and project my feelings and thoughts onto them and i hate myself for it but at the same time i feel better after. I had a few months where it was bad and i felt numb and flat and lacking purpose thats when i got the diagnosis but it went away and went back to normal but every now and then i get depressed again and i dont know why. I dont feel like i have depression because im not sad. Im just not sure why i feel like this. It might be to do with realising that i might be transgender but i was like this before i realised or had dysphoria. sometimes i feel like whats the point in anything and that people would be better of without me, that im stupid a lot of other negative thoughts but its not constant it fluctuates. I just dont know what is wrong?and ironically enough I want to work in the mental health field and help people at there worst so after a sucicde attempt, abuse victims and people who hate themselves but i cant do that if im not emotionally stable and since i dont know why i get depressed I cant really treat it and i really dont want to take meds.

[Zeal]

Hi Alec,

Welcome to the forum!

I was also self-critical and had low self-esteem in my teens. It was like this until I was about 20. Now I'm 23, and though I am hard on myself at times, it's not constant like it used to be.

It's difficult when you are diagnosed with a mental health condition, but don't feel as though the diagnosis reflects your symptoms and experience of that condition. I had an eating disorder in 2012, and my symptoms were atypical, and this in a sense gave me the impression that it wasn't a 'real' eating disorder. It took a voluntary hospitalisation and psychological education to help me better understand the illness and my situation.

Depressive illnesses are more varied than many people realise. For instance, the depressive illnesses Dysthymia and Seasonal Affective Disorder involve less consistent symptoms that are not always present.
Going back to your doctor (GP) for a referral to a psychologist is a good idea. Your GP can create a mental healthcare plan for you, which can reduce the cost of appointments. You aren't in any way 'locked-in' to seeing the psych - it is within your control as to how often you attend a session.

Like you, I want to work in the mental health field. Good on you for recognizing this early. It took me until I was 20 to realise. Next month I'll finish a psychological science degree at uni, and then I'm hoping to get into a 6 month postgrad course in counselling/psychotherapy for next year. I'd love to work as a Counsellor.

I also didn't want to take meds. I didn't start taking antidepressants until I was 19. I don't have depression, but have had OCD/anxiety since I was 13. I did have mild depression in my early teens, but thankfully it improved. I take SSRI's (classed as antidepressants) to help my serotonin deficiency. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter produced by the brain, and is important for the regulation of mood, sleep, appetite and so on. My brain unfortunately doesn't regulate my serotonin function well, so taking this medication is important for that reason. I thankfully don't get any side effects. You may not need to take medication, but if it is suggested, try to keep an open mind. It is ultimately your choice though, and I do appreciate that the idea of taking meds can make some people a bit uneasy.

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal