I hate myself

[constantthinker]

I'm semi-new to beyondblue. I visited a few months back but found it difficult to read other people's stories because it made me feel pathetic about myself, which I 100% know is the wrong way to think... but it isn't as simple as knowing that it's the wrong way to think because I don't feel like I can control how I think.

I finish year 12 in two days. I genuinely would rather gauge my eyes out with spoons than finish. It scares me. I've never dreaded anything so much in my entire life. School is my social life and the only place other than home I can feel relatively comfortable.

I get nervous crossing main roads. I get nervous going out, and while I really want to go to parties I get so nervous and awkward while I'm there that I just really want to go home. How am I supposed to live life outside of school?

I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel that way about so many little things that it's just overwhelming. I don't even know anymore what's wrong and it's ruining my relationships with people. I keep saying I'll see someone but I finish school and there's no longer anyone to see, and I'm too socially inept to take myself somewhere like a doctor or whoever I see about this kind of thing.

I let my nerves get the best of me and even though I know how to 'fix' it I just don't think I can. I've lost so many friendships because of it that it hurts me to see these people and think anything but "that's your fault, you could still be their friend." I can't talk to anyone or see anyone about this. If feeling this way was a physical body part I would cut it off.

I don't even know what to say here. I just hate myself. I don't want to be like me because people like me don't get to live a life they want to. I feel like smashing my head against a wall sometimes I just can't stop thinking. I make scenarios in my head and dread everything and cry at night when I can't sleep and I wake up every day and cry sometimes still and question which one of my friends will be next to leave because I don't make an effort with them, all because I'm too afraid.

Not sure what I can really do about feeling this way anymore. These fears have been there since year 7 but in light of certain events in the past few months, and especially leading up to end of school, I just don't think I can continue to hate myself like I do but I just wholeheartedly do. I know it isn't okay if I want to maintain friendships after school's out.

- constantthinker

[white knight]

Hi CT, welcome

Wr cant diagnose as we have issues and we arent qualified. We can however, see parallrls in our experience and what you are going through.

You said you cant stop tthinking the way you think. Thats kind of true but you can steer your thinking away with diversion.

I have a thread on that atm. Search

Depression- diversion and variety- beyondblue it might even be on google

The theory and it worked for me, was to keep busy so your eyes, ears, skin etc is prompted so your mind doesnt dwell on things.

You can also google these

Topic: nip it in the bud- ideas- beyondblue

Topic: who cries over spilt milk?- beyondblue

Finally, many of our thoughts t g e way you described them are unrealistic. This confition needs guidence and you would be wise to consult your GP.

I did and I'm so glad I fixed up my drifting mind.

Tony WK

[Mathy]

Hi Constantthinker and welcome 🙂

Y12 is a very tough year, not just because of the end of year exams and the importance of those, but the pending loss of your social networks, as everyone goes their own way after high school. I understand why that is scary, especially if you live with anxiety anyway.

Let’s do baby steps 🙂

Firstly, nothing is going to stop the end of Y12, so best thing to do, is try to put the worry to one side, put your best foot forward and complete your assessment as best you can. Focus on doing this.

Next, it seems that you’re very anxious. Can you make a long appointment with your GP in order to speak about this? If not your GP, how about a Counsellor at your high school - they may be able to refer you to some services especially for young people, in your area.

Take one step at a time 🙂

I’m very mindful that you wrote Y12 is ending in 2 days, so the last thing we really want is for you to get wound up whilst you have exams etc to do. Smiling Mind is a great smartphone app (available for free at the usual places for Apps) - it’s got some great breathing exercises/meditations on it - one of the quickest ways to help soothe anxiety is deep breathing, because it relaxes you and calms the mind. This help to put you back in a space where you can think properly. This would be very useful for you in the next couple of days, to get you through end of Y12.

Please let us know how you’re going, all the best cheers M 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi constantthinker,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. You were right to come back here and I know many people think their problems are tiny compared to others but end of the day, your problems are your problems and no less important that anyone else's. I am glad you came back to seek help.

Year 12 is tough but from what I gathered this isn't a year 12 issue more a social issue and your struggles with that. Correct me if I am wrong of course. I personally have suffered from anxiety for around 10 years now and I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. It is so very tough when you have all these emotions in your mind and can't exactly express them. Mental health is a beast but it can be overcome. I know you said you don't really want to visit a doctor but I can not stress it enough about how beneficial it will be for you if you can go and see your doctor and explain how you are feeling. I have been there as well, not wanting too, not thinking anyone can help me but once you do and you see someone cares, it really does make a difference.

Have you ever spoken to anyone about how you are feeling or have you kept it bottled up inside you this whole time?

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[constantthinker]

Hi all, thank you for your responses, I will look into the meditation apps

Mathy, I kept telling myself I would see a school counsellor but now that school is practically over I'm not sure there are many benefits of going. I know that they may be able to direct me to a GP or some other similar service but I don't like to go places on my own - I struggle walking to the park most times and I don't feel comfortable enough to ask my parents to take me to see one, and public transport doesn't feel like an option with the way I feel.

Jay, I haven't kept it entirely bottled. A few months ago something happened but it has impacted me a fair bit. I had two friends I spoke to and while they listened there is only so much I can say before someone starts to think "okay, you need to move on now."
I've felt these things for a while and my best friend I feel is beginning to get sick of hearing about how it makes me feel, and as someone who is naturally confident but also (like everyone else) gets moments of nerves, to her it's just a matter of "just doing it" and "getting out of your comfort zone." It 100% doesn't feel that easy, but I cannot rely on her to provide the answers when she can't give them. And if it is that easy, then I'm unsure why it is taking me years to just "get over."

I also feel I need to mention that I don't or haven't been told I have anxiety, sorry if I implied I did. I know that these fears are irrational and silly but based on my last visit and the advice I received then I thought that this was the best place to post.

- constantthinker

[blondguy]

Hello Constantthinker

TonyWK, Mathy and Bballj have great advice above.

You are not pathetic or silly in any way. I think you are amazing by posting in the first place and that makes you a strong individual.

I cant find it right now but we have a thread about Year 12 stress issues from last year. I will do what I can to find it.

At this moment I hope you can see your GP ......Mathy mentioned making a double appointment which is spot on as you will feel a lot better afterwards. The ability to vent here to us is a huge sign of strength. Venting to your GP for a double visit is a lot easier.

I also had some serious anxiety prior to finishing my year 12 as well

Please post back when you have the time

You are not alone

Paul

[LuLu_]

Just like you I am almost at the end. I feel like when I take those last steps out of my school gates the bubble around me keeping me safe will pop and I will be alone and scared.

I overthink and overthink. My thoughts spiral and spiral and sometimes I am mesmerised at how deeply I can think about something so simple.

I too have lost friends and I have a lot of guilt and so much self hate. I reached out at the beginning of term 1 this year. It was he hardest thing I have ever done. The only reason I did this was because my best friend said that she felt I really needed to. If my state of mind only effected me and no one else i am not sure I would have reached out. I don’t know where I would be now if I had stayed quiet.

Reaching out I believe is one of the bravest things an individual can do. I hope you find the courage to reach out to someone you trust. I am not saying it will fix everything but it will help you understand why you think certain things and why you do certain things. It is also comforting to know some my secrets are not just mine. They are shared.

But as they say there is life beyond school. I am holding onto that thought with everything that I have.

Good luck. I give you my best wishes x

[Mathy]

Hey constantthinker, it’s good to see you back.

Yes you did mention that school finished in 2 days, sorry my bad.

I guess there will be one more day to go, by time you get back, school will have finished. Whilst you say that you haven’t been told you have anxiety, your description of how you are affected certainly means that something is going on. Logically you may think the fear are irrational and silly, but your mind and body don’t believe that.

I’m a mathematician - you couldn’t get a more logical, science based person than me. At the start of my Honours year, I started having all sorts of weird physical sensations going on, which culminated in me being unable to get on a train! I have no fear of trains, but it was hot, stuffy, noisy, smelly and I panicked, rang a friend and had myself carted off to Emergency to get checked out. That was the beginning of my Anxiety disorder, the rest of which I won’t bore you with.

What I would say, is that ignoring how you’re feeling isn’t going to fix it. Friends will say “time to move on”, “get over”, but SOME of us need a hand in doing that, doesn’t mean that you’re weak, or they’re unhelpful.

I really feel online might be a good place to start for you, have a look at headspace.org.au - which is the National Youth Mental Health Foundation. There are Centres all over Australia (sorry I don’t know what state you live in). Please don’t say that you live in Northern Australia, because that’s a bit sparse for help. And I would feel devo!

If your best friend drives, then perhaps she could offer practical help in getting you to an appointment. Sometimes dealing with the emotional/anxiety/mental health stuff is difficult for people, no matter how close. Being asked for practical help, like a lift to an appointment, is often easy to do, and can help them to feel they are supporting someone they care about.

I’m so pleased you wrote back 🙂 What are your plans after Y12? All the best, cheers M 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi constantthinker,

Thanks for your reply. I understand everything you are saying. Sometimes we want our best friends to understand these sorts of feelings but they do not always and sometimes the advice we want to hear isn't something they can give. Sometimes the generic responses are not helpful at all.

I know you said you struggle to get to a GP but I do think it is worth it and I am by no means saying you have anxiety or anything, I have not a doctor but I do know that speaking to your GP is a great first step to understanding how you are feeling. I would also encourage also possibly speaking to your parents I know it is so tough but finding that support from your family is so important.

My best,

Jay

[constantthinker]

Hi all

I greatly appreciate your responses, sorry I couldn't reply sooner. With graduation and last day of school and whatnot it's all been a bit of a whirlwind. Currently I'm trying to just focus on exams, but I'm still afraid about afterwards... but I guess I'll deal with that when it comes.

Seeing a GP currently doesn't necessarily feel like something to consider for various reasons, or if it is something that I really truly need, I don't think I'm ready for that kind of thing.

LuLu thank you for your input, it's always nice to hear from someone who feels similarly to you. Like you my best friend a while back told me it was something I should consider, but it has always been something I put off. I am on this site at least, and I think maybe it's something.

Currently at this very moment I don't feel bad. I'm listening to music and kind of am procrastinating. But I know this doesn't last - I may find myself crying later or wake up tomorrow in that state. But this is one of the first times I've come here to this site when not feeling miserable and I just felt like sharing that as a little positive

Thank you all
- constantthinker