I'm almost 21, studying engineering at uni, and working part time as a horse riding instructor. My problem is I can't seem to deal with every day life things, and most of all I can't cope with work.
I've changed jobs so many times, because I'll get sick of the work, or the managers will stress me out. I just can't cope with it. I worked in a bar, but the managers treated me like I was someone to be used and abused. The customers were annoying, it was long hours, split shifts, and tedious work. I liked it when I was happy, but it was the end of the world when I was down, which is about 85-90% of the time. I tried retail, but hated trying to sell stuff to people, and found I wasn't 'bubbly' enough to draw people in. I hated it, and my manager was super annoying there too.
I work at a riding school. I love horses, and I enjoy teaching (I rode horses all my life before I moved to the city for uni). This is like the perfect job for me. It's only a few days a week so I can study as well, but STILL I find myself wanting to stop it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I KNOW that work is work, and you're not always going to enjoy it. I know you're supposed to just do it because it's money at the end of the day. WHY CANT I JUST DO IT!? I would literally rather break my own arm or something similar just to get myself a valid excuse to not go to work. I hate that. It's like I'm split into two minds. A logical one, and the crazy, stupid one. I enjoy being physically damaged, because I can see what's wrong, and it can be fixed, and it heals. Not like mental illness, where it seems completely pointless and there's no direct cure. I'm not saying I do these things, just think about them a little too seriously for my liking.
I guess I just want someone to tell me I'm not as crazy as I feel?? That I will get better and one day be able to keep a job, full time, and deal with it normally. Maybe even enjoy it! Oh, and uni is the same as work. I hate it, but I can't think of anything I want to do instead, and seeing I can't exactly keep a job, there's no point quitting uni to work. So I keep forcing myself through the study hoping that at the end of my four years, I will have a good, stable, high paying job in engineering and I'll be fine. I hate this side of myself, and want to be normal!
i should add that I see a psych, I've tried many meds but they make me suicidal, I exercise almost every day, and talk to many people. I have support, just no results.
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