I fear

[New_Age_Sage]

Second thread on this. I just, I need somewhere to vent. I don't even fully comprehend what's happening to me anymore, but they have me on an assortment of medication.

 20 years old and tried my hand at three different low-stress job roles so far, only to break down and embarrass myself with assortments of delusions, depression, and anxiety. Landing three consecutive jobs at my age is tremendous in itself, since it seems my generation's job market is so thin. And I feel like my mental health has made me squander those opportunities.

 Guess my biggest issue is my self-worth, really. If I can't work even a single day or pay a single dime in tax, I'd feel tremendously terrible, especially under the oppressive Liberal government.

I make a few dollars writing short stories during my irregular sane hours, but those are often too far and few between to think of it as a mechanism to support myself.

Just thankful my mother (whom is currently on DSP under cancer treatment), sister, and brother are patient and financially supportive of me until I either recover or land a benefit I can maintain. I can't even maintain Newstart, because I often become too disassociated from time and place to navigate to unfamiliar locations for the required interviews.

Thank you for bearing with me.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi New Age Sage,

Thanks for reaching out.

I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you lately and you've come to the right place.  There's lots of people
within these forums who can relate to what you're going through so you're
definately not alone.

Just a reminder - it's totally okay that
your mental health is standing in the way of getting work.  I know it's
not ideal, but it doesn't change your self-worth.  Just because you're not
working right now doesn't mean that you won't be working later.  You
mentioned that they tried you on medication, are you still on some? Are you
seeing a psychologist to help work through some depression/anxiety?

Feel free to let us know if we can help
you more, or even if you want to vent more that's okay too.



Take care,

[Zeal]

Welcome New Age Sage,

I love your display name, by the way. I'm 22 years old, and I've had anxiety (OCD) since I was 13.

Getting your concerns out in the open is important for your mental health, so you're smart to have come here. Over the years, my Mum has listened to vents from me. I so appreciate her support, and I tell her this all the time. My anxiety is manageable now, thanks to SSRI medication, great support from family and friends, and study I enjoy.

If you don't mind me asking, what were the three jobs you had? I tried working in retail once. I was only there for 2 months (working only once or twice weekly) before I was laid off over the phone. It took me some time to get over this feeling of rejection. My employer was nice about it, thankfully. She said I wasn't learning fast enough and that I wasn't assertive (which I already knew). She said I'd better suit an office job. A few years later I realised my ex-boss did me a favour. She spared me from continuing a job I was not suited to.

I became very ill with mental illness in 2012, which put me behind in life. However, I learned a lot about myself and others when I was hospitalised for 2 months. That experience made me more understanding of others and enhanced my self-awareness. Thanks to unwavering support from family, 6 months in 2012 where I didn't study(in order to slowly get better), and doing 1 subject per semester in 2013 (instead of 3 or 4), I slowly progressed through recovery. This year, I am completing my third and final year of psychology study at uni, and I'm currently training for a job working with young children with Autism. I thought I'd share some of my story to show that adversity can lead to constructive things later on. Your story is not the same as mine, but you can have a positive outcome too 🙂

It is great you write short stories - that takes talent! As for landing the three consecutive jobs, that shows you must present well in an interview situation. I'm so glad you have a supportive family around you. Did your GP prescribe the meds you're on, or was it a psychiatrist? Have you been formally diagnosed with depression and anxiety by the same doctor? Are the delusions a response to the medication, or are they part of Schizophrenia?

I hope you can reply in this thread 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Jacko777]

Hi New Age Sage,

I am so glad you can vent here and such beautiful and helpful replies you have already.

Some times we feel crap even though we are on the right track, it's hard but it's important to remind ourselves that we are on the right path, I presume you are taking professional advice and it might help to take some time each day to take satisfaction from knowing that you are on the journey to greater peace and happiness. Try and stay focused on the positive aspects of your journey, focusing on the negative does not serve you.

I hope to hear more from you.

Jack

[New_Age_Sage]

@romantic_thi3f
You're right that all because I'm not working now doesn't mean I won't indefinitely. I believe the worry stems considerably from the debilitating mental health of family members. As it stands, I'm in housing commission and plenty of anxiety builds within me wondering whether more legislation will be passed by the Liberal government which may harm me if I do not recover well.

 I am seeing a psychologist. However, when I asked 'What if I can't integrate into the workforce?' he laughed and said it was a 'silly' thought. It shouldn't have gotten to be so badly, but it did. I am on a few medications still, yes.

@SM
Firstly, thank you for sharing about yourself and also complimenting my username. I worked briefly doing inventory for my uncle. Did some very small, brief work in a library. And did some graphic design work. All of these were very, very short lived. Most of the short stories I've written have only been published in small pulp webazines. Really hope I can turn it into a viable career someday, despite literary competition being a fierce field.

Medication I'm on has been prescribed by a psychiatrist. Both my anxiety and major depressive disorder have been diagnosed. Delusions have been apparent before the medication I'm on, whether schizophrenia or not I'm not entirely sure. I struggle discussing it with people in person, except my GP on one occasion where I was inclined to, as I thought he was trying to poison me. It resulted in me getting off all subsequent medications until the delusional streak subsided. I do suspect schizophrenia, though I'm not one to self-diagnose, but my brother has been. He's 36 years old and on permanent disability pension. He's a kindred soul; we get along very well and he draws many a comparisons.

I do very well to present myself in interviews. I actually feel very little anxiety in the interview, but then once I'm on the job.. something about the workforce causes a delusional spill and anxiety tugs at my heart. I apologise if my typing appears too messy or disorganized, I'm feeling quite disassociated currently.

@Jacko777
I'm also glad my venting has been welcomed. I try and take satisfaction, but it feels like I've been treading water for the past year now.

[Doolhof]

Hi New Age Sage,

I remember when I was 20, I thought my life was ruined and I was good for nothing. I had depression quite badly and did not receive the help I needed as I didn't know how to find it. My family were not supportive at all. I had left home at 17 and felt like I had to take care of myself.

That was over 30 years ago. In those years I have had some real struggles as I was not able to reach out to others and admit how serious my mental health issues were.

My life hasn't been totally wasted, it could have been better in the past, but it could also have been a lot worse. I am thankful for my journey.

You have taken a huge step in recognising you need help. Sharing how you are feeling with others can help you identify where your needs are.

I would like to encourage you to return to your GP and anyone who is helping you and ask for more ideas on how to cope in different situations and maybe you need a diagnosis of exactly what you do suffer from.

Hope some of this helps!

From Mrs. Dools

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi New Age Sage,

Thanks for replying and I'm glad other people were able to comment as well 🙂

I can totally relate with how you're feeling with the housing commission.  It is so hard not knowing where we stand with Government policies and I too often feel very unstable (as I rely on Government payments).  Sometimes for me it helps to know all my options for the future; so that if worst case scenario the commission doesn't pass legislation, then they will still provide you with more options/opportunities.  You are in the system now so they have a responsibility.

I'm so sorry that your psychologist said that you integrating into the workplace was a 'silly thought'.  It's definitely not silly at all.  In fact, it's quite the opposite; it shows that you're willing to still look at employment as an option and genuinely considering the market and what barriers might come in the way (or have already).

Perhaps it might be useful to bring it up again, but instead of looking at "if I can't" try looking at "how can I?".  There will always be options for you to go back to work when you want to; even if there are barriers to employment or it is a bit tricky.  I do think that it's also about finding the right support team so that when you do feel ready and eager to go back, you have a lot of people who can support you and help you in whatever ways that you need.  

Hope this helps,

Take care,

[New_Age_Sage]

Still no progress on my front. If anything, I've continuously gotten worse. Doesn't help that I keep seeing articles of disability support pension eligibility tightening and tightening, which is invoking heavier anxiety if I do end up having to get it. Centrelink will undoubtedly make me feel like some kind of rorter. Also seems like applying for disability in this country is basically the same as apply for poverty, though I have the benefit of public housing already. This world makes me feel like if I can't work, I don't deserve to live.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi New Age Sage,

Are you still on Newstart at the moment?  Are they thinking of transferring you? 

I know that dealing with Centrelink is difficult, but try to remember that Centrelink does not define your self-worth.  Centrelink is a system that while it works for some, for others it just makes us feel incredibly degraded and worthless, and if we based our worth on Centrelink, nobody would be alive.  

Reading things about your eligibility for DSP is not going to help you either; yes DSP restrictions have tightened, but each case is assessed on a case by case scenario, and if you were to apply and not get it, then there is the possibility of appealing or trying other options such as study for a different allowance or a Medical Certificate for an exemption while you receive help.

Hope this helps some,