Hi Mack, welcome to the forum. Yes mate you're in the right place and you'll find good people here who understand from personal experience and can share their insights.
First let me say how very impressed I am that you have identified that you're turning to alcohol as a means to cope. A lot of us don't realise that that's what we're doing until it becomes a serious problem, often years later. From what you write - hiding your drinking, not remembering the night before etc - seems you could be at the start of a problem with alcohol dependence, but you realise it, and that means you can save yourself a whole lot of heartbreak that took me years to get through.
I'm what I like to call a non-practising alcoholic. By that I mean I've been sober four and a half years, but I still consider myself an alcoholic because I know that if I drink again it won't take long before the addiction returns.
I self-medicated with alcohol for years for depression. And I know many others (through a recovery forum) who have done the same. Lost years, lost families, lost jobs, lost hope. And, the worst is we let our depression go untreated.
And the thing is, many of us who do stop drinking realise that getting sober (which is the hardest thing I've ever done) is just the start. Being sober helps you manage the mental illness, but it's still there. Drinking doesn't make it go away, neither does giving up drinking. But drinking most certainly makes it worse, and robs you of precious time, energy, and the wherewithal to seek treatment, get well, and to grow and live your life.
Please don't let that happen. You're young, you've got so much time to live and be who you are. I know how effective alcohol is to numb the pain. When things are bad for me I still crave a drink, wish I could write myself off and block it out. But by blocking it out you lose the control you might have and you just postpone getting better.
First and foremost, you must continue getting help with your depression, anxiety and OCD. That's critical. You're struggling with stress and change and you need something or someone to help you. Booze isn't it mate.
If you feel you can't control it or stop by yourself, speak to your doctor and maybe check out support groups like SMART recovery. And I'd suggest talking to your fiancé - hiding it is only going to make it worse.
Talk to us more Mack, there are plenty here who understand. And if I can help you in anyway, I'm here for you.
Kaz
