I dont know who i am anymore

[Unicorndogge]

Lately i just feel like i am getting dragged along not doing anything useful. The thing is i am pretty much useless, my anxiety is bad i cant even do what most other people can do my age and now i just have no motivation to learn because i know i will stuff it up or not go anywhere with it. I dont have a job, i dont study anymore and now that i am living with my nan its like i feel trapped even though i was in a worse position at home with my dad smoking weed with most of my inheritance money. I don't know what i am good at, liking something is not enough anymore because i know that i will be alone forever.

[Unicorndogge]

Hi everyone

I am really not looking foward to christmas because everyone is coming up and then they are all going to ask what i have done this year, plus all the presents i have to buy. My nan expects very much from me and i just cant stand this. I have bought everyone something but maybe its not enough. Usually i love chirstmas but this year i am scared about it.

[therising]

Hi Unicorndogge

Personally, I'm a shocker when it comes to small talk and I know a few others who feel the same way. You know when someone says 'How are you? What have you been up to?' and you typically respond with 'Yeah, I'm good' and 'Nothing much' and then the conversation hits and awkward pause. Wouldn't it be great if we could have deeper conversations and everyone just thrived on them, something like 'What have you been up to?' and our response is 'Well, I've spent the year looking for the best in myself'. Wouldn't that be a conversation starter?! We could all trade ideas about how to find the best in our self.

I think it pays to have a bit of a sense of humour and charm at times. Someone asks 'What have you been up to?' and the response is 'Well, I've been looking forward to seeing you. That's what I've been up to'.

In my opinion, small simple gifts are an undeniably kind gesture. Anyone who doesn't see it that way has issues, so don't go beating yourself up too much. It's a them problem.

Do you think you can compromise on things with your nan? Leading her to understand that some of the challenges she presents you with are difficult for you to manage, might get her to thinking of reasonable solutions and management strategies. Having people relate to how we feel can help reshape the relationship we have with them. If motivation is a bit of an issue, you might mention 'Nan, I just can't find the energy to do certain things. It's like my brain won't let me be motivated or excited about things'.

It is tough when we're trying to find the best in our self, it really can be a huge challenge. There will be moments when our best surprises us and moments where we just can't find it and need others to help us find our way toward seeing our best. Again, it's tough.

🙂

[ravish_rodent]

man, man, man. I again am reading this in pdhpe class because this is the only time I go on this website but I am reading your story and wow. Never has anything like this happened to me and I can't begin to even relate to it or imagine how it feels. But, you need some confidence miss girl. It's fine that you achieved nothing, hell I haven't either this year. We've been through a pandemic and everyone goes through life at different paces. We all achieve things at our own time, not someone else's. Try not to compare yourself to how others have achieved stuff at this time, because not everyone does. Again, I haven't. I don't have a job, nor can I drive. And with your friends, try focus on the future. Next time you meet a friend, don't think about past friendships, don't freak yourself out with "omg it's going to end the same". You control how it ends. This is your story. Love you.

-ravish rodent signing out

[Unicorndogge]

Hey therising

Well i am totally alone now so i dont know what to do but imagine me and my penpal meeting, since he is the only person i have left. I am surprised he hasnt left me yet however we havent been talking everyday like we used to, i know why now though. He has a girlfriend so i understand its just..... That doesnt make me feel any better. In fact i feel jealous and i dont know why probably because all this time he has been so nice and then now he has a girlfriend we dont talk as much anymore. Maybe i will lose him as well and that would hurt me very much since i consider him very much a friend but maybe he doesnt. Maybe he was lonely like me and now his found someone it doesnt matter anymore. Now i know this i cant imagine meeting him because maybe it was a lie. If he goes then that will be it for me i dont think i could get another panpal as good as him. Maybe i need a boyfriend then i wont be lonely anymore but no one loves me or even likes me so that wont ever happen😭

[Unicorndogge]

Hi ravish rodent

I am gaining confidence but only little by little, i did end up getting a job at maccas but they havent rang me up to tell me when i start. The problem is everything just goes too slowly with me even last year i achieved nothing so i t doesnt matter whether there is a pandemic or not its still the same. I dont really have any friends since they never last so there isnt any point of me having another friend or what, i think most of the time i do or say something wrong then they just leave. But everyone has expectations of how you are supposed to act and i just maybe dont live up to it

[therising]

Hi Unicorndogge

Personally, I don't have many friends. I admit, this is my choosing. I tend to go for quality, not quantity. Actually, most of my pals are within my family. I believe the time will come when, again, I will expand out into the world and bring some new friends into my own world. It's a bit like breathing in a way. Start off as a little kid, expand out into the world, collect a few friend and bring them in. Then those friends drift away. Take a breather then, when a little older, out I go again, collecting a breath of fresh air (new friends) and bring them in. Repeat. Haven't ventured out too much over the past several years. Made acquaintances but no new close friends. All in good time Unicorndogge. All in good time. Out we will go, breathing in new experiences, new people. Sometimes it takes a bit of time and some good fortune, to be able to come across people who are good quality people. Maybe your new job will give you new opportunities.

While your pen pal breathes in some new experiences, it sounds like he hasn't forgotten you. I imagine you're still an important part of his circle. Our circles expand based on where we're at in our life. In time, your circle of people will expand too.

Do you have any interests outside of home, where you could meet some people? Maybe some community groups of some nature. Would you like working with animals, volunteering a few hours here and there? Animals are amazing. They don't have any great expectations of us. They just accept us for who we naturally are. A lot of the time, people who love working with animals are very natural sort of people. You sound like a very natural sort of person.

🙂

[Tay100]

Hi Unicorndogge

Sorry for the late reply, time got away! Just thought I'd stop by and say hello again, and see how things are. The friend has moved away by now, yes? How did your health concerns go? Feel free to let me know, though absolutely no pressure of course.

Tay100

[Unicorndogge]

Hey therising

Well its not a new experience for him, to have a girlfriend. When i first started talking with him he actually just broke up with his previous girlfriend. So yeah.... I can see why all the girls would like him, he is sweet and caring, interesting. But what do i have, not even a friend instead i got used for sex and the more i think about it the more pointless i seem. Maybe thats all i am good for, to throw away. I got this jpb and i still dont know when i start maybe its just a lie to make me feel better because certainly i have gave up on this “ you have to wait to get good things“. I have just gave up, been drinking vodka everyday to make me feel good even though i never used to drink. Surprising though i have got used to it, at least there is something to look forward to when the afternoon comes i still in the spa and just drink.

No my penpal has forgotten me its just we dont talk a lot like we used to, because of this girlfirend. Like why cant i have a boyfriend am i not lovable enough, why wont people love me?

I dont care about jobs or friends anymore, i think it all pans out the same no matter what you do

[Unicorndogge]

Hi tay

His gone, he used me for sexand i was stuipd enough to want it. It was all a lie, i didnt even get to know him he was just faking he cared about me and he really didnt, even worse his friend lied to me about him blocking me. All i have now is my penpal who i talk to only every three days now so thats just great. At least i have my vodka to make me feel better

[Tay100]

Hi Unicorndogge

I'm sorry to hear that, having someone abandon us abruptly like that can be challenging- shall we brainstorm some useful coping mechanisms together? Talking to the penpal sounds like a great start- perhaps you could try talking to them more frequently or even find another one to add in? Let me know how that suonds.

Tay100