I don't know what to do

[Guest_1837465]

Hi, I usually don't speak up about things that I'm struggling with because I feel like they are small problems and I don't have any reason to feel sad or anxious because my life is pretty good. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I am really struggling with my body image and self esteem lately and I don't know what to do. I am 93kg at 16 and its really effecting my mental health, I don't eat processed foods, I eat veggies and fruits regularly but I just can't seem to loose weight. Its always "I'll start a diet tomorrow"  but I never do it, I am not motivated and it scares me. I feel like I'm neglecting my body and I'm letting it go to waste, for example I'm not brushing my teeth as much because I can't be bothered, I won't shower because I can't be bothered, I wont exercise because I can't be bothered, I won't do skin care because I'm tired and can't be bothered, and I'm always on my phone at night till 12:00 because I cant sleep even though I'm always tired, I feel disgusting and like I'm rotting away and I don't know what to do. On another note I hate my personality, I'm shy and awkward and I don't feel like I'm interesting at all, I don't want to smoke or drink which most of my friends are doing at the moment, they don't invite me to things because I'm pretty sure they think I'm boring and I just hate myself for being like this, why can't I be outgoing and speak to boys, be funny, actually talk to people. I'm sorry if this is silly I just feel like I'm ranting and none of this is a reason to be anxious or depressed about, but it has just been building up. I am also struggling with things changing so fast and growing up. I'm moving schools for year 11 and 12 and so are my friends, I'm scared I will never speak to them again because that's what happened when moving from primary school to high school. I'm also nervous for the school year and ATAR and I feel like my motivation will get worse as I will be stressed out a lot more next year. I don't want to grow up. Things are moving so fast and I want them to slow down. I don't want to start thinking about what UNI's I want to go to, I don't want to start thinking about whether I have enough money to survive in my own. Reality is hitting hard and fast. I am pretty sure I'm over thinking it but I just want to know If I am alone in feeling like this? Am I stupid for thinking like this? If anyone has similar stories or tips to help me out please let me know, I just want to stop feeling like this.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Just about everything you've said, I've gone through and I'm 68yo, but now I'm content and confident, how did I get there? Please, read on.

1/ The very 1st personal rule I developed was to learn to love myself. This involved accepting myself for who I am because I'm unique as you are and I'm a good person and no one will tell me otherwise!

2/ I accept that my best is always good enough, even if I put some weight on while I'm dieting, I'm doing my best and that is always good enough.

3/ Most over weight people inherit the genes that make up our body shape, some mental illnesses and appearance, so is that fair- not at all but a lesson- worrying about things out of our control will not fix any problem.

4/ Focus on your humour. I know a lady that was 23yo last time I saw here and 130kg. We were at a restaurant for a birthday party and she was so hilarious. During that night I realised how a large person can be so happy. She now has children.

5/ Discuss your weight with a GP (doctor), there is many way they can tackle that now.

6/ Entering adulthood is a tough time. I left to join the AirForce at 17yo and left all my friends behind but recently through Facebook reconnected. So it isnt the end, just a temporary period to do important education. You'll make new friends and you can pick and choose them, be wise, toxic people are common, keep away from them.

7/ You aren't boring, just some are more popular, this you'll find all your life. It isnt fair but unless you have common interests any friendship wont last, so develop your hobbies, sports (even barracking) and find like minded people. Read https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226  and https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/fortress-of-survival-part-2/td-p/399555 

8/ Quality not quantity. 2 or 3 good friends is better than 20 acquaintances. But one good friend is risky as if your break off there is no one left.

9/ Excess weight and low self esteem will cause lack of motivation. I know it. So, talk to your GP about seeing a nutritionist. Even fruit and vegies need quantity limits but lack of exercise mean not burning anything off. Start with a walk around the block and talk to friends on your earplugs at the time, makes it easier- or music.

I hope that helps and repost anytime. In the end, with a mind change- you'll love yourself because you are special..

TonyWK

[Ripcurr3nt]

Hey, I am 16 and don't worry you are definitely not alone in feeling like life is suddenly going way too fast and everything is suddenly feeling scarily real, I can assure you that it is to some degree what everyone is feeling so haha yeah you are definitely not stupid for feeling that.

Feeling uncomfortable with being vulnerable and struggling without what you see as a "good reason" is something that I can relate so and I wish I could give you the solution but I am practically as lost as you are. But even though I am definitely no pro but what helps me is to remember that you dont need a reason to struggle, to be unhappy it happens to everyone at one point or another and thats fine, its just a part of being human. And for vulnerability (which is a word I seem incapable of spelling) that pure fact that you are here sharing your story and concerns says a lot about you and your motivation to actually get help and make a change. Sometimes the people around you arent the right ones to open up to or people that you feel comfortable talking to and being able to recognise that and take steps to fix it is INCREDIBLE and I honestly even though I dont know you I am proud of you for that. Bravo!

To increase self-esteem try to remove pressure on youself.

For the whole not being motivated to take care about body thing that is another thing I am sure many people feel sometimes, I definitely do at least. What I do to combat this is to get it into routine, find a way to get yourself to make a plan and stick to it, this can be through having someone else hold you to what you said u were planning on doing. Whether that is brushing your teeth and doing a small face care routine, going out for a jog or doing a small exercise set everyday or removing your phone from your room at 10 every night. IF you struggle to do this by yourself I am sure you have others around you that are happy to help and remind you, for example you could get your parents to come and collect your phone at a certain time every night or you could do a running/exercise challenge with one of your friends everyday (not necessarily together but just that you both do it and remind each other so you have someone holding you accountable). To keep yourself motivated through out this remind yourself why you are doing thing, I like putting up reminders on my bathroom mirror as it pulls me back to what I am trying to achieve instead of just doing something for the sake of doing it. 

If you havent already noticed I have been having a bit of a running phase recently where I have been trying to run everyday which ties me into the second (or 3rd or 4th thing I am not sure anymore). Taking care of yourself doesnt have to be boring or just a routine you do because you have to, try to make it something that you enjoy. For me I was able to keep relatively healthy for a majority of my life because of my love for swimming, which let me both do something I enjoyed whilst benefiting positively from it, but in recent days it was starting to get a bit mundane (not surprising after 10+ years of going back and forth) so in order to keep fitness, overall health and well ability to focus in school up I have been trying to find ways to supplement it like running, waterpolo and surf lifesaving, all things that I relatively enjoy doing and take great satisfaction from. So in short to get confidence up in your body and its ability to perform I recommend trying about a bunch of sports until you find something that you really connect with, I promise the feeling of having successfully achieving something that you have been working hard and training for it to do it so satisfying, and it will only drive motivation even more forward.

Taking first step is hardest, so start now.

Looking back on this I have realised I have rambled a lot and not said much but anyways I hope there is something moderately useful in all of this and well I know this might sound odd but don’t worry to much, we are still young and have a lot to figure out so do what makes you happy (however cringe that may sound).

Good luck!!!

I wish you the best going forward.

(PS I needed to shorten this by a lot for context if something doesnt make sense)

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life.❤️

With age comes the benefit of hindsight. Looking back, I can relate to some of your struggles and have taken years to finally make sense of why I struggled and still do in certain ways. As a mum to a 22yo gal and 19yo guy, I've seen some of those same struggles in my kids. As you gradually work out why you experience and feel your challenges in the ways you do, be kind to yourself in the process of developing self understanding.

I began drinking when I was 16 and largely stopped in my 30s. I can tell you that when a person comes out the other side of relying on a mind altering substance (like alcohol) to give them some of the abilities they need in life, they typically find they don't have the natural abilities, skills and tools without alcohol. When alcohol gives you a carefree attitude, when it eases social anxiety, when it brings out the risk taker in you or the social butterfly in you and so on, when you come out the other side of drinking for years you eventually have to develop those parts of you naturally. Trying to develop those parts of yourself now, at 16, naturally (without alcohol) is just as hard. Give yourself an enormous amount of credit for trying to develop yourself naturally without a mind altering substance. This can be so incredibly challenging.

Another challenge can involve our parents always having been our disciplinarians up to a point, then they leave us to discipline our self in certain ways. Problem is they may never have given us skills in self discipline. So, if at the age of 5 (for example), we were told to sit at the table for breakfast, be ready for school on time, brush our hair and our teeth etc etc, when they stop saying 'Sit at the table', 'Go and brush your teeth' and so on, who's the disciplinarian? It has to be us but how do we do it all when we've relied on our parents to structure our life for the past 15 or 16 years? At 54, I'm only now trying to develop more skills in self discipline and structure and it is not easy in every case. Sometimes we need people to still help us create a sense of discipline and structure, especially if we're struggling to do it on our own. Our habits create our structure. So, it can be about changing and/or developing the little habits, one at a time. Not always easy, especially without help.

Just wanted to start with covering a couple of the challenges you touch on, otherwise I'd go over the word count here. While I'd like to touch on struggles with weight (which I can relate to) and other stuff, I'll only do that if you're interested. I'll leave you with a perspective I've gained that's managed to help me over the last handful of years: From a soulful perspective I may say 'How do I manage this body I'm in, this thing that gets me around, this thing full of chemistry and energy systems (such as cardiovascular system, endocrine system, muscular system etc)? How do I manage this mind that I have to work with and all the quirky ways in which it ticks and processes things? How do I manage perception, belief systems, ideas and so on, all those things that run through it?'. To say 'Being human is a challenge at times' can be a massive understatement. As you step foot on the path of greater self understanding and self mastery, I'm glad you came here for support and encouragement.

[Thorney]

Hi! 

I just finished high school. I smashed my HSC. I basically broke myself doing it.

I finished high school ~5 weeks ago. I put in a lot of effort despite already being in Uni through early entry. I have made myself very burnt out and I am trying to relax and recover. I have a LOT of free time so I am working on myself (both mentally and emotionally), working (job wise) and exercising. 

However, that is just my story. I know a LOT of people who don't know what they want to do. Many people plan on taking a gap year and working and then dawdling into a degree that interests them EVENTUALLY. I personally may be using a gap year as an emergency back-up if I'm really not ready to face Uni yet. 

I knew what I wanted to do in Uni from around year 9-10. I had a passion for it, did chemistry etc for the HSC and enjoyed it. Like I said, I'm in the minority. It's okay not to have it together! 

My advice is this: try and get your grades up. As much as you can. Try and apply for early entry at whatever University, preferably one closest to you. Pick a degree that mildly interests you. Apply for that degree for early entry. Your yr 11 results are used for early entry (normally). 

Now should you get in, you can 'defer' the offer (for around a year, I believe). So you aren't accepting it and you aren't declining it. You have OPTIONS.

So you could leave school and potentially not do as well in the HSC. That's fine. You may even want to go for a gap year or a 'half a year' break. Then you could accept the early entry and begin Uni. Or, you could decline it. 

The best part about Uni is once you get in and do well enough, you can transfer to most other courses. Once you are in, you are in!

In the meantime, start taking care of yourself. See yourself as something to improve, compare yourself to your past self, NOT to other people. Use other people as a guide, sure. But you are not someone else. We all have different experiences.

I recommend looking into different professions. And how to get to them. Some only require a bachelor, some require postgraduate study. You may like Uni (Uni is quite different to high school) and you may want to do postgraduate study for more job opportunities etc. 

That's all from me. I hope that helps!