Hey all,
I'm new here so I'll just stick in a bit of background info before I get to the point. I'm 19 year old male. I have suffered from free-floating anxiety and panic attacks with frequent dissociation (sometimes not occurring during panic attacks).
My condition has gradually worsened since leaving high school and making the transition into university. A few months ago I was admitted into a pysch hospital and I was diagnosed severe panic disorder with agoraphobia. I was there for 7 weeks and got out roughly a month ago. Since then I've been seeing a psychologist and a GP once a fortnight.
But since I got out, I've noticed other things about me that seem un-related to panic disorder. I have an extreme fear of being abandoned and when
I' m alone I get really unstable, to the point where I often contemplate suicide. (Admins feel free to edit if inappropriate)
I can't be around people for too long as it mentally drains me. I get really stressed and anxious and often leave social gatherings, ect early to avoid freaking out. I also get sudden un-explainable periods where I feel reckless and suicidal for literally no reason at all. During these periods I engage in reckless self-destruction without really knowing why, there's no reason too, I just feel like I want to at the time so I do (does that sound weird). I won't go into specific details as it maybe triggering, but I will say that I don't drink excessively and I've never used illicit substances because the fear of being out of control and panicking is overwhelming.
I'm on medication, which has helped significantly, that's why I don't understand? Why do I still compulsively self-destruct without a reason? I'm not a violent person, by the way. Why do I still dissociate for hours?What's wrong with me? My life is fine now, I'm financially stable, I have a support network, I have friends, I'm going back to uni soon. Why do I experience sudden periods of being
suicidal? I don't want to die when I'm "normal". Why do I always irrationally think like everyone is going to leave me and I have to frantically cling on them to feel safe? I know it's not a rational thing. Is it a personality thing? And I still over-think every situation until it drives me crazy. I do relaxation, I do CBT, I've got help which has reduced the severity of my condition but it's still there. My head makes me so frustrated, I just want the bad thoughts to stop.
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