Am I OCD (relationship OCD, if it really exsists) or is this just me?

[Green12]

Im 22 and hate living a life full of obsessive/ intrusive thoughts.I dont think I ever suffered from true anxiety untill I hit my mid teens. When I was 14 I began my first relationship with a guy from my school, the relationship was great. Roughly one month into the realationship I literally woke up one morning with serviere anxiety. I have never felt somthing so terrible, all these thoughts racing through my head about my partner such as 'are you sure you love him?' 'Will we be together forever?' 'Is he right for me?'. These intrusive throughts just appeared out of nowhere and didnt leave, I didnt eat for a week and was serverly depressed. Eventually the anxeity got less but the throughts remained.. I wanted so bad to stay in the relationship but decided to call it off about 1 year and 10 months later because I hated spiking every few months. Anyway, about THREE years later I was looking forward to finally finding a new guy, I was excited to start a new relationship without the anxiety from my first relationship. I met this guy and I liked him straight away but he already had a girlfriend. As time went on I liked him more.. it was a serious serious crush and I wanted him so badly. After about a year and a half from the time we first met, he broke up with his girlfriend and we slept together a couple of days later. I was so happy and then BAM the next day after wanting this guy for so long those intrusive thoughts came back 'are you sure you love him?' over and over, we never even went out, we just did it a couple of times and now I cant even walk to the train station because i have crippiling anxiety about wheher I love him.. what?? 6 months later I met my current bf, we have been toegether for 3 years, his my best friend. From the start of the relationship I had very bad anxiety due to my part experiences and had the same intrusive thoughts.. I learnt to live with it and it did get better.. in the last year ive been pretty good but the anxiety has spiked again. WHY IS THIS HAPPENEING..I love him so much but I have had this doubting thougths with every guy ive been with.

Also I might add.. I also have to check my alarm 5 time before bed, that Ive taken my pill 3 times. I have to check my car is locked every time I park it by shutting the car checking every door and boot, checkign the lights are shut. When ive done that I walk away from the car and then need to repeat that prosses 2-3 times before im sure my car is closed before I can leave it.

[geoff]

dear Green, I really want to thank you for posting your comment, and I'm sorry to say that everything you have explained to, well me, is that you certainly do have OCD, and there is no doubt what's so ever.

Excuse me for saying like I do to other people who post about OCD is that I have had it 54 years, yes I'm an old codger, but it has plagued me for all of this time.

With this illness we always think to ourselves the worst of someone we love, as I did this for my Mum, who I loved so dearly, but my thoughts were of hurting her, which I certainly wouldn't have done, and it annoyed me so much for these thoughts.

The same applies for you, but it doesn't mean that you don't love your boyfriend, and because you do have these thoughts it actually does mean that you love him.

It's a silly thinking pattern but that's what OCD does to you, me or anyone else, just like checking the alrm and your car several times.

The number of times I do things is 4, although I could do it more than this, but as long as I count to 4.

Would love to talk to you some more about this. L Geoff. x

[Green12]

Thank you for your reply! Im going to make an appointment with my gp for tomorrow to see if I can get a referral. I dont have a lot of money but I'll try a therapist, I'm just so worried that I'll find a therapist that wont understand me. I have found a lot of forums and websites on rocd which describes me to a tee. Some sites say that a lot of professionals dont recognise this particular area of OCD which really upsets me. The one thing that I truely want in life is to find a partner, be in love, be loved, get married and have a family. These intrusive thoughts make me feel like I wont be able to have that.

WHen I was 14 I thought I was the only one that felt this way but as the years passed I found a lot of people on the internet that had the exact same issues I did.  The rocd, intrusive thoughts I have were on and off severe/ moderate over the last8 years. The thoughts cause anxiety and the anxiety makes me sad. When Im anxious and sad it really messes with my love life too.

Everything was pretty good for the last year or so (although I still had thoughts but didnt give them as much attention) untill about 2 weeks ago which sparked moderate/ mild anxiety. My boyfriend and I made love one night and I couldnt finish and because of this I started balling my eyes out. I was so sad. Then the thoughts started 'if you cant have a proper love life are you sure its right?' 'sure your in love?' 'Everybody in the movies thats in love has an amazing love life with no issues?' 'Why do you have so many issues?' These thoughts actually kind of numbed me in a way.. Ive been sad, anxious and havent been able to finish for the last two weeks and I cry every time because I feel hopless.. It was already hard enough learning how to do it in the first place and now im worried that now this situation is attached to my anxiety now Ill never be able to do it. My boyfriend is very loving and caring but its hard for me to explain whats going on because he doesnt have anxiety or understands how someone can worry so much about trivial issues.

However this whole checking my car 3 times to see if its shut, checking my alarm 3 times before bed ect. this only developed over the last 1-2 years I think. Anyway I really hope I can get through this.. it makes me so upset..

[Green12]

I also just wanted to add that that because I knew somthing was probably wrong with my thinking process when I got into my current realtionship I knew that I liked him and that like turned into love. However, I still suffered the intrusive thoughts an anxiety. I was very tramatised by this anxiety from my first relationship and second sort relationship. I lost lots of sleep from the worry. Now however I can seem to tell the difference between how I really feel and when the intrusive thoughts hit. I KNOW that I love him very much, his not just my partner his my best friend and I see us being together forever if this anxiety goes away. When the anxiety goes I go back to normal and I have felt pretty happy every day untill I spiked again 2 weeks ago.

[geoff]

dear Green I am pleased that you have replied to me, because other people who have OCD post a comment and I want them to keep posting but they don't.

This illness is common, but I appreciate partners/family/work colleges and friends who can not understand why we do these rituals/habits, I totally understand this but if they had tried to find out why then it would make it so much easier for us.

It's driven by our anxiety, because sometimes we talk to ourselves and believe that if we check out the door being locked 3 or 4 times or how many it satisfies you, that everything will be OK, so it's continual thought pattern.

There specific psych's that do therapy for OCD so if your GP is not too sure where they are I would suggest that you maybe contact the web chat on the phone number above, or google 'psych's who deal with OCD only.

I also suggest that you click 'resources' at the top also and order the printed material which is free so that you and your boyfriend can read all about OCD.

People often ask who do you do these habits, and then try and stop you from doing them, but this only makes it so that you have do them, it's like a sign on a wall or bench wet paint don't touch', so the first thing you do is touch it.

As much as it is frustrating and certainly annoying, it's more so than trying to explain our actions to those who don't know what this illness does to us. L Geoff. x