I don't know if I can keep this up

[Joy_]

I'm sorry. I just need to get this out and this seems like the safest place to do so.  Before I start, I am 15 and currently in grade 10.

Towards the end of grade 2, my dad divorced my mum. My 'best friend' left me saying she was never my friend in the first place and I started being bullied. After my dad left, I was made to see a psychologist but stopped seeing her not long after. In grade 4, I saw another psychologist with depression and thoughts of suicide. Not long afterwards, I stopped seeing her. About this time I started talking to the school chaplain as well as having several 'father' figures step into my life - so I had someone to talk to. I was told I was 'better'. But the bullying wasn't over. I began to retreat into books. They were my escape. In grade 6, I saw yet another psychologist but stopped not long after. But I never really got better. I kept going downhill and in grade 7 I started seeing another psychologist and saw her throughout the rest of that year, grade 8 and the beginnings of grade 9. Then she moved away and I started seeing another person at the same place. I still see the same person. Throughout most of this - in particular grade 7 - my mum wanted to move back to England with my sister and myself but dad had said no and it had been taken to court. I remember one day we were both pulled out of school and chucked in a cab to go up to court. Now they have agreed on their custody terms and I effectively live out of a suitcase - being at one house for 5 days in a fortnight.

I was told I had a dissociative disorder when I started seeing her and I slowly got better. I was fine through most of grade 9 and this year. But I suddenly got worse. I couldn't sleep. I was woken in the middle of the night and it took me at least an hour to fall asleep. If my phone got a notification before I fell asleep I had to check it - and the process restarted. I didn't want to eat and I lost my motivation at school. I coudn't concentrate and my memory was lacking. The wall I had built around myself was starting to crumble and I pushed away those close to me. I was also feeling really down and was - yet again - considering alternatives. Anyway, now I keep having like anxiety attacks, I have a phobia of ants and I had an argument with my mum just this afternoon. No one knows I don't cope. I had cut off my emotions before and couldn't recognise them at all. Also my mum is a recovering alcholic and also suffers from anxiety and depression.

I'm so tired. 

[TheSteve]

Hi Joy,

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through over the years. Cutting off your emotions, refocusing on other activities, picking up habits etc. are all ways in which we deal with difficulties such as you have experienced. The problem is these coping mechanisms are temporary, and don't fix the problems. They paper over them for a while, and then they rear their head again as they were never reconciled, acknowledged, dealt with, healed.

Firstly, the fact that you have continued to see a psychologist through all of this is really, really good. I'm glad you have been so wise as to keep this up, and to continue to seek support here. I can only encourage you to keep doing this as you go forward and find a path toward healing, it is really crucial to do so.

Second, the situation at home you have been put in is not fair. You need to discuss with your mother the possibility of attaining more stability in your week to week life in order to get further traction in your recovery. This is something to discuss with your psychologist, as to how to approach it, how they may help you, and what resources they may provide.

Third, you can rely on and build relationships with current and new friends in order to provide stability in your daily school life. This will provide you with an outlet, support, and some added stability that may not yet be there at home. In addition, seeing the school counselor or sharing with a teacher you trust can also help as an outlet and form of stability.

You have really done a tremendous job to get where you are. None of this was your fault, you never had a choice in the matter. Sometimes, we just get cast into situations that we have limited control over. We can, however, attain control over ourselves: our emotions, our thoughts, our responses, our relationships. Even in tough situations, this does provide us with a compass, direction, and solid foundation from which to grow.

I wish you the best Joy, come back and chat anytime if we can help. Also call the YBB Helpline if you need to, they are there 24/7.

Steve