So I suppose some backstory is needed for this. I'm a male in Uni
currently, with a family who I am very close to, and was bullied all
through both Primary and High school. The way I ended up dealing with it
was self deprecation using the idea that i...
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So I suppose some backstory is needed for this. I'm a male in Uni
currently, with a family who I am very close to, and was bullied all
through both Primary and High school. The way I ended up dealing with it
was self deprecation using the idea that if I got to myself first, the
bullies wouldn't enjoy it enough to continue, and it worked for a time.
They stopped calling me names, throwing insults my way but it became
more physical bullying over the years. Not violence, but things like
petty theft of my belongings.It all started to subside around Year 9,
and I thought I was getting control over myself. Begin Year 11. I'd been
having migraines for a month that were only diagnosed as headaches until
I was brought into the ER by my parents for uncontrollable vomiting and
possible hallucinations and the nurses and doctors couldn't wake me up
the next day. The actual problem was abscesses and they had to be
operated on immediately. It was a potentially life-threatening illness
that could have left me with serious brain damage even if I survived,
and yet I appear to have pulled through with no long term side-effects.
It's left me with a bit more perspective on how fragile life is. Fast
forward about 2 more years and I'm dead-set that I'm not going to get
into a relationship until I finish my formal education (Year 12/Uni).
Like a lot of stories, this one of course contains a girl. Come Year 12,
my High School did a "retreat" type activity for students where the year
level broke off into groups and then into smaller groups and spent a
week at a holiday destination bonding together. This girl and I had been
becoming fast friends over the 4 or so months prior to this and we were
paired together in both groups. Despite what I was certain of, she just
seemed too perfect a woman and so we went out for a time. A year later,
a series of events destroys my emotional health and dredges up all the
self deprecation I took part in in my youth that ruined my self esteem.
What had happened was this; Around December my father was thought to
have stomach cancer, and in January he was officially diagnosed as
having it at stage 4 (At that point all they try to do is take the pain
away until you die), then in February, my (now) ex-girlfriend of 11
months breaks up with me on Valentine's Day because I had been saying
things I didn't mean about her family (Though it did sound like I meant
them to everyone else at the time) and then not a week later a person
who I considered a friend told me that he had invited me to his 18th
only because he felt he had to and that he didn't actually want me to
come and that nobody liked being around me. After speaking a little with
a few people, the conclusion is that I have been a very annoying person
to be around. I have a tendency to speak truths that others would rather
keep hidden or ignored, and my sarcastic and joking manner of speaking
certainly doesn't help. Part of that problem is that that's all I've
known. My entire family speaks like that, from my parents to my
grandparents to my aunts and uncles. It's just the way my family talks.
Over the last 6 Months I've been seeing a Psychologist, as I became
suicidal. And while things are beginning to look up (I've begun
re-establishing contact with a few people I knew from Year 12, I've been
adjusting the way I talk and begun thinking through what I'm about to
say before I say it, my father is in remission for his cancer, I've
patched up the group of people who I considered friends, though it
appears the one who told me no-one likes me is the real problem, and my
suicidal impulses have been coming much less frequently and someone who
I've only spoken to a couple of times on a closed forum and never
actually met bought me a wristband for one of our shared favourite bands
that he gave me at a meetup) some recent events have left me feeling
lost and with the need to vent somewhere where I might get some
feedback. The recent events are such; I began feeling distant one night.
Not so much emotionally distant or just distant from people, I began
feeling distant from reality as though I'm not all there. It felt like I
was watching life through a lens that wasn't my own. In those moments I
stopped feeling anything, no sadness, no longing, no despair, no
happiness, nothing. And life seemed to be a fragile and ultimately
worthless thing. My thoughts were along the lines of "Yes, it's amazing
life exists at all, but it serves no purpose. We exist for the sake of
existing. And life is a line of sadness punctuated by the occasional
happy moment which makes the sadness that much worse." The night after
that happened as well, I went to a friend's 19th party. I was aware that
my Ex would be there, and she was aware I was invited too. I thought I
had worked through my feelings for her enough that I could spend the
night enjoying myself and not chase after her. And I was only somewhat
right. I was able to keep a hold of myself long enough to spend about 2
hours at the party, didn't seek her out at all, but just said a friendly
"Hi" in the same way I said it to everyone else at the party. But I had
to cut it short, because I feel like I don't have any closure on what
happened and would still like to be able to talk it out with her. But
I'm torn as I'm also acutely aware that that's quite unlikely to happen.
So with the distant feelings starting to come on, coupled with seeing my
Ex again when I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was I'm feeling lost
again. Thanks for taking the time to read this if you have. I know I
have no way of knowing if you did, but it means a lot to me.
Eeep! When study is overwhelming! - Tips, ideas and coping strategies
