Fear and sorrow rule my life now

[Vitam]

Hello, it took me a long time to find the courage to post this, I am 18 and in high school in year 12, I have Asperger Syndrome and a family history of depression. Last year in the final weeks of school I came to a realization that I had very low self-esteem. I thought I conquered it later but then year 12 began, everything got so much worse but I never really noticed it until it was too late, I did a outer school course which was great in the beginning weeks and I felt so alive like I had a bright future ahead of me.

Loneliness happened about 5 months ago, I found as if I had nothing or very little in common with everybody around me they all seemed to ignore me or when they did take notice of me it was mainly intended to mock me for what I find enjoyable or that I am too different. I failed at virtually everything and always repeated my mistakes and it eventually got so bad that I became apathetic towards my course, on my 18th birthday I had to go but I down right refused. I have a hobby which I enjoyed so much but now I find it pointless, two weeks and a half ago is when this all started to get really bad I started to feel apathetic towards everything, I slept so much or never slept at all and stayed up for whole days on end. I began to worry about everything more than I usually did, I didn't really notice it since I always usually felt sad but I became sadder by the day and I began to hate myself. I told people that I would fail, that my accomplishments are meaningless and ignored the advice of others with frequency if any was provided. It has now gotten so bad that I am afraid of doing any work at all in fear of failure, I am getting detentions because of it and I am too anxious about informing my parents.

I don't know what to do, I feel so alone in this world , I feel like a total failure and I am afraid to do anything related to school or even my hobby that I loved so much in fear of more failure. The school faculty likes to tell us year 12s about failure and it just hammers it home, my parents tell me I am going to fail year 12, its all I hear just me failing something, I don't even remember the last time I heard anything positive about me. I remember crying myself to sleep earlier this year wishing for a best friend. Fear and sorrow rule my life now, I don't think I can make it like this I will fail year 12 and that is something I fear may drive me down farther.

[white knight]

Hi Vitam, Welcome here.

What a well written story. I wish I could have written that well at 18yo.

It is amazing how some things effect a teen more than would effect an older adult. I'm 58yo now.  Hobbies are just that, they are meant to be put down and left for periods of time until you feel ok to do them. I wouldnt worry about that. Confidence is another thing though and you have little of it. Furthermore with everyone putting fear into you, you cant see the forest for the trees.

I would recommend a few things.

Is there a counsellor at school that you can confide in?  If so then go that way. Can you ask both parents to sit down and chat about your schooling? Not a chat where the TV is blaring away or they are busy doing something. Get them to sit undestracted at a table and chat. Tell them that with all the pressure around you from teachers and them both, that you are becoming fragile and worry so much that you cant sleep and it is becoming counter productive.

Many people leave school early. Many teens have expectations placed on them and I disagree with it. I grew up with my parents expectations that I should seek out work of a certain level eg technician, pilot, etc so I joined the Air Force and ruined my career because I was more suited to being a mechanic or airframe fitter.....far less salary but far more suited to me.

I would also suggest a trip to your GP. You are old enough to go alone now. You are an adult ok!.  Chat with your GP about everything you stated her. Even print it out if it makes it easier for you and ask him to read it.

As for friends remember- they come and go in life. rarely do friends hang around for lengthy periods. Concentrate on your health first. And if you stay awake for so long better to get up, do some study for an hour then try to sleep again than lying there awake.

Good luck