I don't know how I feel

[teacla]

I am struggling to write this because I don't even know how I am feeling. It's a feeling that I can barely explain, which makes it all the more frustrating. This year I started Grade 10, and to be honest, it has been my most favorite school year. I have some great teachers, I enjoy most of my subjects and I am a straight A student. However, it has also been my worst year. I know, confusing right? 

I think I have come to the conclusion that most of my problems stem from school, along with some other things like the way I look and family issues, that I have never discussed with anybody. As I have said previously, I am a straight A student and that makes me incredibly happy. Other classmates think I'm smart, teachers like me and congratulate me on my achievements. With the straight A's, however, comes a lot of studying and stress and anxiety. During the middle of this year I had my first panic attack and have had a few since then. When I get them, which is mostly during class, I have to focus all my energy into not crying in front of everyone and I act very isolated. As soon as I leave the class room the panic attack begins fully.

Another thing is that I feel so pressured to continue to get excellent grades. Teachers expect me to get A's and my friends all call me a nerd or geek. I feel if I don't get an A, I won't be smart.

Also, on the outside I look like I have a pretty good life. I have a group of friends, excellent grades an amazing mother. On the inside, I am a mess. Barely making it through the school day without having a break down and crying myself to sleep some nights. I've always had this plan to finish school with an OP1 which is the highest grade you can get, and then going to Uni to study a Bachelor of Advanced Science, but then it just all overwhelms me and I tell myself that I'm going to be a failure no matter what.

I don't know what to do anymore or how to deal with how I'm feeling. I don't even know how I'm feeling! I truly don't know what I want to get out of writing this but I just need to express how I'm feeling to at least someone.

[Narniakid]

Hi teacla, welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I hear where you are coming from; I was a straight A student when I first started high school, and the pressure to keep up those grades by the time you get to year 10 was enough to trigger the depression, and I completely gave up. 

Grades aren't everything. Your mental health is the most important. I encourage you to perhaps make a timetable and schedule in some "me-time", where you just do something you really enjoy. I also strongly suggest that you ask your school about any special provisions avaliable to you. These can include extra time for assignments and exams, permission to leave class if you're feeling anxious, break times in tests, and the option of being seated away from the rest of the class during exams and the HSC. Most schools will have a counsellor avaliable to you, so I'd ask about that. 

I encourage you to ditch this plan of getting the highest grade possible. Yes, it is ideal, but it is also stressful to the point it's affecting your wellbeing. There are always other ways into careers. Schools put pressure on students to do well because it gives them a good review, but the reality is, mental health is so much more important than getting a good ATAR. I completely failed my HSC this time last year, and now here I am with a job I love and I'm studying at the best radio school in the country. If you want something bad enough and you show the passion and enthusiasm, you can really do anything you dream of.

Crystal