I don't get along with my mother and I don't feel happy living at home

[L123456789]

I still live at home and mums always at home as she has no job. We don't have a friendly relationship. If I was ever to open up to her, she would use this information on me to make digs at me in the future. Eg if I said I was having problems with a friend because they were being rude at a party etc.. if in the future we argued she'd say maybe it's not your friend who's in the wrong it's you. So we barely talk.

She says little positive things about me, only very often hurls abuse. I am always the one in the wrong. My sister will take my things without asking when I tell her not to, yet I am the selfish one who can't share. Yet Mum will get angry at my sister when she takes her own stuff.

She lashed out not long ago and smacked me. I was stunned. I really struggled after having a horrible tonsillectomy and I felt genuinely depressed after a month of being in pain and not being able to do much. I was exhausted and stayed in my room for a lot of the time. And then to have her smack me during that time over something stupid was heartbreaking. It wasn't a big smack, just a smack on my shoulder but nothing I would expect from a mother, in 2017 at least. I couldn't imagine getting so angry to smack someone. I understand I was probably a nuisance during that time but for my mother to not understand. I know she's had depression too so I would expect she could understand how to better handle situations like that.

I feel very alone at home. I can never have a civil conversation with her. Every effort I make turns into a lecture about everything that's wrong about me. I know I'm not perfect, but to constantly hear this takes a toll. I feel I am not myself and I feel worthless.

I sketch - and when I'm with my aunties they're so supportive and encouraging of this passion and telling me ways I should use my talent. I wish my mum was like this.
I remember shortly after finishing uni I had been working on this one drawing for about ten hours and she comes and sits down next to me and says this is great - but you should be applying for jobs. I had been applying, but these are the types of things that kill my motivation.

I question whether I am inadequate. I would like to think this isn't true and my friends at least make me believe it might not be.. but I have no confidence in myself. My older sisters were fortunate to grow up in a more positive home. I am grateful for what she's given me - education etc, but I feel a loss of love. I feel stuck.

[Ken1]

Hey,

I so hear what you're saying. It makes total sense for you to feel that way and don't feel bad for having feelings! There seems to be an expectation of what a home should provide (that I think we all have) that you don't feel has been met which is really really hard.

Can I ask why you're still at home? Is it due to lack of employment? What are the chances of you moving out?

Also, where you can spend time that's away from home? I know first-hand living in a dark and angry home and spending time anywhere else really helped. Maybe with your Aunties?

It really sounds like for some reason your Mum is in a lot of pain. People that inflict pain or struggle to show love generally are really hurting. If this is the case, try not to take her behaviour personally (easier said than done) because her actions aren't caused by you.

The fact that she has depression explains some of this to an extent. Do you know if she's seeing a professional?

I think it seems there are others in your life who can support you and validate your worth and abilities. Your Mum maybe isn't this person at the moment which doesn't mean she doesn't love you. People act in indescribable ways because of deeper issues. I get that doesn't make it easier on you.

I think it's awesome that you sketch - creativity can move mountains in its ability to alleviate terrible situations.

You're not inadequate, but your environment makes you feel that way. Of course you're grateful for what you have but it's a human need to receive love and support, especially from your parents.

My unprofessional advice would be to not place expecations on Mum; make decisions for YOU and build yourself in a positive environment so you're in a better place to support and understand your Mum.

Also remember that counselling is a great avenue to help navigate situations such as yours.

Really hope this helps!

Bonnie

[geoff]

hello L, well it doesn't matter if your mum is suffering from depression because this won't permit her to 'expect that she could understand how to better handle situations like that', simply because when someone is suffering from their own depression then all their problems are just what is happening to them and if she thinks that you are a part of her depression then she will pick on you.
Are you able to find some friends so that you can rent a place away from your mum, remembering that if you are receiving centrelink payments, then they will provide the bond money, plus rent assistance, this would be worth looking into.
Continue to sketch, that's what I loved to do as it used to be relaxing, but this will never happen while you are living with your mum. Geoff.