I just don't have the energy to deal with my life. I'm 20 and have started university this year and moved cities for it. I'd been living away from my parents for over a year while I worked and travelled abroad so I thought I could handle being alone. I thought it would be easy to make friends because I'm usually a pretty social and confident person, but so far I've made one friend who is an international student and she is going home in the next month. When she leaves I'll be basically alone. I just didn't luck out very much with the on-campus flatmate situation and where I live that basically dictates who your friends will be.
I've been trying to connect with others this year, but while I'll get along with them, nothing ever stands beyond that drunk conversation. At this point I feel like it's pointless to try and that I should just focus on functioning without others completely. I've begun being more evasive with people. It's stupid but I can't stop the feeling.
For some reason when it comes to school I shut down from stress. I've had problems like this since highschool but I thought I could somehow change. My grades are so borderline that there's a good chance I'll fail first semester and let down everyone. I was meant to be smart. I am already working on a now-late assignment and have resolved to just keep working at it non-stop until it's done, but I don't have access to all the information I need. It relies on volunteer experience with an organisation I have had trouble communicating with.
I haven't been coping and I haven't been honest with others about it, but I don't think they'd want to help me anyway. I know I'm responsible for myself but sometimes I just can't leave my bed all day and it's so exhausting and depressing and I feel like I've failed in every way I possibly could. I just don't have a good reason for any of it. I missed a lot of classes because I was so scared of being in a room with my classmates. I'm not usually claustrophobic or nervous like that.
I can't even sleep through the night when I try to because I just have really stupid nightmares like losing all my teeth and being controlled by ghosts and I wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all. Sleep feels like my only sanctuary though.
I'm really terrified of going to a counsellor. I feel like I'd just be brushed off. I just don't have much experience with doctors or support services. I don't know if they could help my self created problems. I feel so fake and stupid.
