Feeling really hollow and alone

[Jimmy19]

Been feeling really sad and hollow lately for a number of reasons. I am currently studying at university in my first year and I have been somewhat enjoying it besides the abnormally large amount of work I have to do compared to my friends (they are in different courses). I barely get time to do anything any more .This I believe has had a large effect on my feelings of late. An example of this is that my grandmother passed away just over a month ago and it scared me because I felt no sadness, I did not shed a single tear and felt like I could not care less. I hate to sound dramatic but at the funeral I was with my older brother and my mother and the pastor bought up the topic of my father (it was my fathers mother who passed) and the pastor mentioned his suicide when I was 6. My brother and mother broke into tears and I just sort of sat there, I didn't feel any sadness.

This whole girl situation may sound silly to some but it matters to me. I constantly feel like the guy a girl will go to if she has no other options. I was recently at my friends house for a party and a girl I have known since early high school told me she has had a crush on me since we met and that she just left her boyfriend. It was nice to hear because I liked her too, but a few hours later she is hooking up with some other guy. Then one of my friends had girl talk with her. My friend then told me the girl sounded disgusted, as if she couldn't believe she said that, since then she has acted like nothing happened. It really confuses me because I have had girls compliment me on my looks but then just treat it like a joke if I try to take it further.

there Isn't a single person who will talk to me first. Everyone I talk to I start the conversation. My mum sits on the computer all day, and my brother is just with his girlfriend. whenever I reach out for help they will act all sympathetic and help me, then 2 weeks later they will just go back to before, its an endless cycle. I feel like I might even be going insane. I have spoken to a doctor and have had an examination and a Counsellor but they don't help, they told me what I already know. 

Everyone I have told just treats it as a sob story. but it feels like it is becoming too hard to cope. and another thing I might mention is that it isn't as if I just whine and complain to my friends about this constantly, I tend to be a guy that can make people laugh and get told that I am reliable and a great friend. I guess I just want to be heard.

[white knight]

Hi Jimmy19  welcome here to Beyond Blue forums

Re: women...."really confuses me".  If I had a remedy for that I'd be rich lol.  But seriously, many things when we are young dont make sense. I can relate to you.

When young (I'm 59yo) the same thing used to happen. Guys with what I saw as not as good looking got the girls, no one had time for me etc. But I can give you some really good news- that will change. As some girls get older they realise what mistakes they make (my opinion) and start to see good qualities in men that their ex didnt have.

Guys that hang out with their mates all too often, play around having affairs, have drinking addiction etc ...after years of toiling with these guys they find themselves alone maybe with kids and guess what - their eyes light up when a Jimmy guy enters their life. True.

The other thing is that chasing love doesnt work. They say "let it come to you"...well I wouldnt go that far but you can just improve your chances by expandign your social scene....join sporting groups, save the planet groups etc. The more people you meet the more potential partners are there. Meet older people and they have daughters etc. Before you know it there is a snowball effect.

Dont be so hard on yourself.    Tony  WK

[BenD]

Hey Jimmy,

Firstly, good on you for studying. Its a much tougher gig than students get credit for. What course are you studying?

Secondly, I have experienced some of the hollow experiences you were talking about and I think they are related to some negative self esteem beliefs about who I am. My younger brother had a seizure out of the blue one Sunday evening at home and we weren't sure he was going to be okay (he made it and he is fine now). I had his twin brother crying on my shoulder at the time I felt like a shell of a person. It was a scary experience.

Currently I'm using Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to learn about those negative beliefs and it seems to be okay. I recommend you google "Centre for Clinical Interventions" and checkout their workbooks on self esteem.

Thirdly, relationships. With this one Jim I would propose to you that you focus on being the all-round good person that you are. Along the same lines as what white knight has said, there seems to be an imbalance in how you are approaching the situation, at the moment:

1. what other people want > what you want, as opposed to...

2. what you want = what other people want

Once you start working on that shift I think you will see a change in your interactions with others. From my perspective at least Jim, that seems to be the recurring theme. You aren't giving yourself enough credit (I mean real credit, not just celebrating your qualities as "a fluke" or "luck").

I know it sucks to be told to just "work" at it but there are strategies that you can talk through with a counsellor or doctor to get you on the right track. Always remember, failure cannot cope with perseverance.

Ben

[Jimmy19]

I am studying product design or industrial design right now, and it is just ridiculous.  My routine is just go to university, come home, do homework then go to bed, repeat. The worst part is that I have gone straight from highschool into this course and im not even sure its what I want to do. I kinda got pressured into it by my school teachers because I had a talent for Computer aided design and technical drawings. Where I live it is almost impossible to get a part time or casual job anymore, I have applied for over 100 jobs and none have gotten back to me because I have no experience (these jobs are only retail)  I just feel like im stuck in a lifestyle I dont want but I dont have anyone around who can help me get out because I have no idea what I am doing.

[BenD]

It can be hard to find out what we want to do mate. I started Engineering for the same reasons, swapped over to teaching which I didn't particularly like either and found my way into philosophy and chemistry. The good thing is that you are at least trying something and that you know what you don't like. Once you find something that you like and something that you can claim as uniquely yours (as opposed to being pushed into it by parents/teachers etc.) then you will feel much better.

I took a gap year half way through my degree as well, it was probably one of the best years of my 23 so far. It could be something to consider, given that it will also enable you to apply for full time work, which is more likely to land you a position.

On jobs, some of the more reliable ones I've had over the last few years as a student have been:

Hospital cleaner/orderly: Everyone gets sick, everyone needs hospitals and care. Look up "Nursing Australia" on google if you are interested.

Footy umpiring: Even if you don't know the rules you can run the boundary and throw it in for Aussie rules. They have a pretty good setup nationwide so there could be someone near you.

Uni and shopping centre noteboards: Often found odd jobs on these things like labouring and gardening when I was short on cash.

It may seem like everyone else has there stuff sorted as well mate, but I guarantee the vast majority do not.

As for expanding your social circle, what are your interests?

Ben

[Jimmy19]

I have a lot of different interests but I can never stick to them. Things like playing guitar, Video games, and drawing. However a few months ago I arranged a weekly 10 pin Bowling event on a Saturday night for high school friends to catch up since we don't really see each other any more. I have found myself enjoying it a lot, the idea of it was social, however I find myself quite competitive with my friends. I have been considering taking it up however with my uni work as plentiful as it is, I find it hard to get the time. I know it is a poor excuse but it just feels really hard to get motivated. I am not sure it is as much as other courses which bothers me, I was actually talking to a engineering graduate who is now in my course and even he said that the work load seems strangely high. perhaps I should talk to the course co ordinator or something.

I also recently started exercising at home, I was going to join a gym but I find it very intimidating because I don't know what I am doing and I don't really have the money to keep up with the membership fees. 

[BenD]

That bowling idea sounds great man. Nothing wrong with a bit of healthy competition either. I think it will actually improve the quality of your uni time as well, because you always have something to look forward to and keep things fresh.

Probably wise to talk to your coordinator about the workload then to see if you can make more efficient use of your time. I could understand if you were doing med, engineering or law that you might be constantly under the pump but it sounds unusual for other courses.

Good idea to exercise from home, its cheap and just as effective, but on the flipside a gym might be worth a short term membership just to try it out? There are heaps of resources available online to help people who are starting. Regardless of what kind of exercise you do, it will make you feel better and promote your self esteem as well. So well done for taking the initiative.

Ben