I'm New, and need help

[calmngrain1999]

Hey,

I'm relaively new here, only joined all of 5 minutes ago, after doing the test and coming back with a score of 34. I dont know how bad that is, but I really want to fix it.

I'm sick of wasting other peoples time with my stories, they always seem to have something much more important on, although they never specifically tell me that. I am 14, and my parents are amazing, but I dont want to worry them with something like this. I feel as though if I told them, I will look over dramatic, as I have had issues like this in the past. 

I used to be a straight A student with a love for school, and although I am still getting good marks (A, A +), I have no will for school anymore. I don't want to go, and I don't see why I need to do it if we are all going to die anyway.

Relationships confuse me, and all my friends seem to be trying new stuff that I am uninterested in, such as make up and dress ups. I feel as though I will be forever alone, and that no one will ever love me. I am so confused about my sexuality, but I am almost sure I am straight, or bi. I know I am not gay. Now writing that though, it feels wrong. I wouldn't label myself as bi. Is that what matters?

I feel as though there are two version of me. One that I show to my friends, and one inside my head that is writing to you now. The one inside my head can't be let out verbally I think, only through writing poetry and online and stuff. 

I just really wanted to know if this is normal? I don't know what to do?

I think about dying a lot, but then again I'm not suicidal I don't think,

This was all triggered because of a Parent Teacher Interview. I want to get back on track but I don't know how. And I want to do it it internally, without other people knowing. I want to be better. I want to go back to the old me

Meg

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Meg,

First of all, welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope you find all the support you need here.

I went through a similar thing at a University level - getting great marks after being an A+ student all my life and then depression started creeping in and I went from handing in assignments and getting High Distinctions to not bothering with assignments and then, what shocked me most, not caring if I didn't hand in assignments. Like you I lost the will power, the passion for study and learning to creeping depression a year before my first breakdown.

So my advice is get help now before it gets worse. I know it can be so hard to talk to people about it, particularly if its what you have defined yourself as - the smart person, the one who gets good grades. But even the smartest people int he world need help from time to time and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

You said you had  good, supportive parents which is something you should cherish. That said, I understand if you feel like you can't tell them, like it would be letting them down. You also said you have had problems like this before? Did you end up seeing someone about it -  a GP or counselor at school? You might not have and thats fine, but if you have seen someone before, maybe you can go back and see them again. If not, BB has a list of mental health trained GP's and such under 'find a professional' at the top of the page.

I don't know how it would be for someone at your age to get an appointment without parent supervision, but maybe you can go with just one good friend, or someone in your extended family who you trust? It can be hardest of all to tell those closest to us.

I'll also say that what you're feeling sounds like the early stages of depression. So yes, it is normal, in the sense that is an illness lots of people suffer from, only a fraction of which get help. A lot of us here on these forums have experience in particular with pretending, or putting up a mask for our friends and loved ones.

As for your sexuality, it doesn't matter what you identify as on this site. We care regardless. I also judge sexuality, in my opinion as something that we as humans tend to take time to figure out, like what we want to do in life. I have friends in their thirties who aren't sure if they are straight or not. It took me til me mid twenties to come to peace with the fact that I am bi.

So right now, don't feel pressured to have to decide. RIght now, try to feel comfortable in that you aren't bi, you aren't straight. You are just Meg. That's all you need to be.

Hope you can post back soon,

GA