I am completely alone

[OnMyWay]

I am 23 and somehow have no friends. I get a new "best friend" every six or so months or year and love it but eventually they get bored of me and fade out of my life, every time. I feel like I mus be dling somwthing wrong. I don't even know what to write to explain it but I just feel like I am completely alone in the world and I don't know why, I am nice and fun but sometimes shy but I don't understand why people just get over me, and I can feel thw change happen and know that the friendship will come to an end soon. I don't know what to do anymore, I am accepting the idea of being alone for the rest of my life.

[user_90]

Hello OnMyWay

Im new here, but I'm here if you want to talk 🙂

Your not alone. I'm 20, and no longer talk to my friends from school, haven't made any new ones since. It can be hard sometimes, but I focus on trying to improve myself rather then having to reply on others to make me feel better, so I try to keep busy. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Things you enjoy?

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Onmyway,

There are many reasons why someone doesn’t keep friends and its great that you are being mindful and open to explore the possibilities … they range from a whole lot of external factors like changing schools or being in the wrong sort of community where you don’t  really have anything in common, or people having to move on because they have other thing that take them away like exchanges , jobs , relationships etc. 

However there are also possible things about ourselves that we may need to confront that might be hindering long term connections…

Are we really able to be intimate with people without being reliant and dependent on them for our sense of worth / sense of self ? 

Is it possible that we invest SO much in the relationship that we are externalising who we are onto them or the relationship and that becomes too intense ?

OR is it that we are scared to invest and open up because we are scared of abandonment so we don’t open up at all so the relationship crumbles?

Its hard to say what happening in your case .. but its great that you are being brave enough to really look at it .

Overall I suggest investing time in being your BEST SELF . Doing things that make you happy or  interested or informed . Invest time in YOURSELF. Find things you love .. creative things or active things or cultural things or community things . Sometimes the sense of being in a like minded tribe and friendships follow from that.

If you continue to feel lost and confused see a counsellor via your GP for guidance. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Onmyway and User_90,

Dr. Kim has made some wonderful points in her reply. I would also like to ask (don't answer if you don't want to) if you are both working, studying or are looking for work.

Do you have hobbies and interests you can expand on? I am between jobs at present and have a couple of volunteer roles that help me get out of the house and to be involved with other people. I haven't made real "Friends" out of these groups, but I do have a sense of connection and being part of a group.

I also like to have a chat to random people I meet during the day. Like the person at the supermarket check out, at the service station counter, someone walking their dog on the street and so on. Just helps me feel more comfortable talking with people.

This is a great place to connect with people, I also hope you both find ways to do so in you area as well.

Cheerio for now from Mrs. Dools.

[yanbright]

That's such good advice! Being friendly and open with everyone you meet can really brighten up your day, particularly if you go home to a bit of a lonely house.

I've definitely gone through phases where I can't seem to keep friends before too and it can get you really down and make you feel really sad but one day one of those friendships will just keep going and it's the best thing ever!

For me, the secret to making friendships work is being a bit vulnerable. If you value someone's friendship, why not tell them?

[SummerCrossing]

Hi OnMyWay,

I'm 22 and feel exactly the same way with my relationships! I was talking to my sister about this today, and how I feel like I can never seem to/and never will make friends because throughout my high school/uni life I can count nearly one 'best friend' per year who dissipates completely from my life (though often it feels more like I've dissipated from theirs...). My sister said that it's actually a testament of how good I am (and you are) at making friends, because I've found myself doing it frequently. She thinks that maybe I simply haven't found the right people. I don't know if I completely agree with her about the last point, but Dr Kim brought up some really interesting thoughts...in my case I think I might also often push them away because of underlying abandonment/trust issues, and then they don't bother to try (understandably I guess...?) because I seem like a terrible friend. I'm now working on being a bit more vulnerable with my friends and would like to find more like-minded people as well.

Good luck looking forward, know that you're not alone in this 🙂