I don't remember the last time i cried. However, after spending the last 3 hours reading multiple posts and stories on this forum, I can't stop the tears.
I am male, 6 ft and some, i have blue eyes and I spent my formative years chasing popularity and girls. If you saw me in the street (which, recently, is a rare sight), you wouldn't be able to tell I have the level of anxiety I do and that, for me, is the worst part. The fact that so many people can be walking by me during the day and enduring this kind of suffering, is heartbreaking. I put off coming to this forum because I was worried about what I would find and whether my story was "worthy" to be shared. I never tell people about my state of mind because ultimately, I don't think I deserve the sympathy. Since High School, my entire persona was built around figuring out what people wanted me to be, say and look like and adjusting to that image. The status and popularity I had (despite how shallow it was) kept me in a state of delirium and unparalleled motivation. I was always chasing that high of approval. I became captain of the sports team, frequently did speeches, became school leader and when school finished, I started a charity, wrote a book, etc. Yet, everything I did was motivated by the attention I received from the people around me.
I had experienced bouts of anxiety before but I always came out the other side. Then, I experienced loneliness, social isolation, alienation, agoraphobia, constant vomiting, the palpitations, shaky hands, never eating, significant weight loss, loss of confidence, depersonalisation, fear of depression, fear of death, fear of everything and hypochondria. I am terrified of passing out and the thought haunts me everywhere i go. I wake up sick so I don't eat and then I get more scared of passing out. I have seen six therapists, two psychiatrists and lost count of how many doctors. I know the location of every hospital and always check how far away it is from my current location. I have tried medication but I was so scared of it doing something to me I ended up throwing it up anyway.
I don't know what result or response I expect from writing this, if any. I just know that I am strangely hopeful about my situation. It could be delusions of grandeur but I feel sure i will emerge a better person. Or, I may be too far gone and only fame will retrieve my purpose for life. I don't know what values I have left that are authentic to me and not what someone else wants me to be.
