How to make new friends/integrate myself into friend groups/circles?

[MatthewAdl]

I've been really struggling to make friends for a while now. Its made me feel extremely lonely and I struggle to motivate myself to do basic things like shopping for clothes by myself without feeling sad. I also struggle with social anxiety so I find it almost impossible to go up to people and start a conversation with them. Everyone I study with is much older than me so we have completely different lifestyles so I haven't been able to make any friends while studying. I'm thinking of joining a badminton club but im worried I wont be able to join in with a random group of people - even if I do im pretty amateur at badminton so im worried I wouldn't be good enough to play alongside them. If I do start to make connections with people, how can I ensure that I can befriend them? for example, how can I ensure that they wont just be someone I see once and never again but someone I could chat with and hangout with outside of the club. I'm just really lost and starting to get really lonely and I just really need help.

[Sophie_M]

Hi MatthewAdl,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with social anxiety, we know how isolating it can feel when you feel like you are struggling to make those connections. We think sharing here is a great step towards feeling better.  

We hear you've been thinking of joining a club, well done! Starting a hobby where you can meet other people is a great idea, we also know that it can be quite a nerve-wracking experience. When we are anxious, often our mind will jump to conclusions with many what if questions (What if I'm not good enough? What if they don't like me? etc.). This is often referred to as your inner critic. It can be helpful to identify that inner voice and stop it in its tracks. Most people are in a similar situation are get nervous in new situations, the great thing about joining a club is that there is an activity that can take your mind off those thoughts and you can bond with others over a shared activity.

If you want to talk through what you’re feeling at any time even before a social interaction for some support, the Beyond Blue Support Line is here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or online through our webiste. It’s ok to reach out when you’re feeling anxious or upset, they can talk you through some ways to find a bit of calm, and then help you to figure out some options for further support.  We’re sure we’ll hear from the lovely community soon, but in the meantime, here’s some strategies you might like to have a look at: 

• Another thread where the community have shared some strategies for managing anxiety 
• Beyond Blue Article: When your inner critic is giving you a tough time 

Thanks again for sharing. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi MatthewAdl

I feel for you so much as you step foot on this particular path on your journey. Took me a good number of years to figure out that each new path on our map can demand new navigational skills and abilities, well worth developing. 

Just about everything in life is skillful. I smile when I say most of us are cheered on and made a big fuss over when we're toddlers developing the skill of finally learning to use a toilet. Now we just take that skill for granted, without all the fan fair. There are the skills behind walking, talking, writing, making a cup of coffee, managing time, developing focus, recognising the need for compassion and the list goes on and on. We establish hundreds if not thousands of skills in our life time. Social skills are no exception when it comes to development. Try not to be too hard on yourself as you step foot of this skillful path while being determined to develop yourself as you go along.

I'm a gal who's come to relabel my social anxiety as 'being able to feel my lack of social skills'. While my skills in small talk equal a big fat ZERO, I make up for this through having developed my ability to speak honestly in a social situation (with a conscious filter, I might add). For example, when meeting strangers I could honestly say (while looking around) 'Gee, this place is huge' or 'I can't believe how many people are here' or 'You look like you're having a ball' or 'This is the first time I've come here and, to tell you the truth, I'm feeling a little on the anxious side'. It's simply about expressing what's observed. Observation is a social skill. Sometimes my aim might even be to get a laugh out of people. I can recall doing this when I first met the mother of my daughter's boyfriend a couple of years back. Knowing she also experiences social anxiety, I said to her with a smile 'I've been terrified, coming to meet you. I feel like I'm meeting my friend's parents and I'm scared'. Not only did she laugh but she said 'I felt exactly the same'. We had a great time together while comparing notes about our social dysfunction. Being able to not take our self too seriously can be a social skill, also known as 'developing the comedian in us'. 

Learning to read people or read a room is a very beneficial social skill. Being able to recognise someone who puts people at ease can mean throwing an awkward yet genuine brief smile their way. For those who love putting people at ease, they'll naturally gravitate towards you. They're such easy people to talk to and they typically love bringing out the best in others. They'll do most of the work in a conversation.

In some cases, badminton is a social skill, especially in a badminton club. So, developing badminton skills before joining the club could be a way to go. Asking for playing tips in a club environment could be a great conversation starter. Accepting invitations as an extension of the club environment, like with being invited out by a group for coffee or drinks afterwards, can be an added stressful challenge but one worth accepting. 'I'd love to come but I can only come for half and hour' can be a way of managing just a little bit of stress before going home to relax out of that challenge, with a sense of achievement. So many social skills worth developing. 'Where to start?' becomes the question. Even the skill of managing sound can be a social skill, especially for those who can't manage a high volume of sound in an enclosed environment. Managing our nervous system in a wide variety of ways is another skill set that helps in managing socially. While developing such skills can be incredibly stressful and challenging at times, it's the practice that makes it easier over time. Practice makes perfect or close to it.