How i'm feeling

[Anon71]

I feel as if i am mostly just living in continuity. My life does not really have any meaning for me any more, this is not to say that i am never enjoying myself because i do sometimes. But more often than not i just feel pointless, i don't want to talk to people and i can spend hours watching things as an escapism from whatever. I am only 17 but i already often wish i wasn't alive (or just that i lived a different life), sometimes i feel as if i wish i was just dead, but my sister attempted suicide last year and after what that put my family through that is absolutely never something i want to do.

I don't have friends that i can talk to about these things -or if i do i don't trust them enough to relay this information to them- I don't really trust anyone anymore. And i feel as if i spend half my life crying these days. The other day i was on a bus and i laughed at something and then i just started crying and i kept crying without being able to stop for about half an hour after this. I see a therapist but i find it extremely hard to talk to people about myself (this is my first time using a forum) and i don't feel like that is really helping. If anyone could give me any advice on what i could do to stop feeling sad all the time i would appreciate it!

[Neil_1]

Dear Anon,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and can I say, "Thank you and well done" to you on coming here and providing the information in your post.  Can I also just say straight up that I'm pleased to hear that you won't be trying anything horrible to yourself - especially after your sister's attempt last year.

Are you close with your sister??  Just a quick question, but do you think the two of you could get together to 'bounce things off each other' (um, not balls or balloons, either) but you know, thoughts/feelings and suggestions between the two of you??  The balls/balloons bit was just a tiny try at humour.  I do try that from time to time.

With regard to telling friends, that is something only you can know - and for a lot of the time, it's very difficult to do.  On so many levels - in that, will they understand (probably not), will they be supportive? (again, for people who nothing of mental health issues, they just don't understand and for a lot of them, they tend to run or walk away from such issues - which definitely no good for us, the sufferers, but that's a lot of how things go with this).

Ok, so it's good that you're seeing a therapist - I'm guessing from this that your parents are aware of how you're feeling?

Were they supportive of your sister after what happened last year?

It is pleasing to read though that you still do find sometimes where you can enjoy things - I think there are a lot of us like that - but then what happens is that the bad feelings take over and that ends any thoughts of joy and happiness - well not even happiness, but just being 'ok with the world' for a little while.

Anon, I've posed a few questions in my reply and so it'd be awesome to hear back from you whenever you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil

[white knight]

Hi Anon, a warm welcome also.

Neil always has great suggestions.  I'd like to mention your emotions and how they go out of control.

I'm 58yo but I can recall when I was around your age when I had the same issue.  Crying was far in excess of normal especially for a boy. Boys crying them days was seen as a sook. It was hard for me. I dreamed of the day my emotions would drift away as I became a man. Not so.

So it was when I was 36yo that I put my emotions on paper.  In the form of poetry. Not everyone likes poetry!!.  but I was amazed how deep my emotions were and how unique they are. I also developed positive thinking techniques- to allow myself to turn negatives into positives.  So your emotions? how do we do this.?

Ever wondered how some people can nurse patients but others cant?  Or some can be a carer for their ill relative but others cant?  or some can go overseas to help the poor in Africa but others cant?  People like you Anon are priceless...and I know you are thinking this is so silly.  It isnt, its true.

You are a born a kind person that is grappling with her emotions at a very sensitive time in her life. A trip to your GP might be a good step. explain it all to him/her.

And Neil's suggestion of chatting with your sister might also be a good move. Often siblings go through the same stages in life.

But whatever you decide try to embrace your emotions. Your emotions are a priceless part of your personality that not everyone possesses. Some of the greatest talents in the world have mental illness often with uncontrolled emotions. Google bipolar famous people.  Or depression famous people.  All of us here have had to come to terms with our illness. It isnt easy but it can be rewarding if you look for the uniqueness of it.

Good luck