How do you change when you've "played it safe" your whole life?

SweetAmara · ‎28-02-2017

Okay, so I have posted on here a few times, I am finally making process and feeling a little better. Partly because I am being direct, taking charge and doing what's best for me, including seeing a psychologist. Personality wise, I've realised identify with lawful good as part of the alignment personality system. . Put simply, I do things because it's the "right" thing typically, not because I want to and a lot of it is based on how I feel others see me or the ridiculous standards I have set for myself. Not to be misunderstood, I don't want to be self-destructed, but I haven't ever done anything remotely adventurous or different. Or even slightly rebellious. I find myself longing to bring out more of the free-spirit I know exists in me; but I really don't know. It's also hard because I am stuck between very religious friends and others that are very much secular. I tend to question things a lot partly due to that diversity.

I am not sure how to openly become the person I feel I am and take healthy risks? I am not even sure what they look like. I am a very creative person, but I lack confidence in those capabilities, if that gives any kind of indication. Thanks!

Starwolf · ‎01-03-2017

Hi SweetAmara,

Sorry my attempts to find your previous posts have failed. So I can only reply about the issue referred to this thread.

Kudos to you for feeling the urge to release your free spirit...this is what Life is for. I understand that poor self-image and self-confidence often get in the way.

When unsure, small steps are the way to go. No pressure to start with huge achievements. You say you are creative...whichever way your creativity expresses itself, your work doesn't need at first to be exposed to public scrutiny if you don't feel comfortable with it. Keeping is private should exclude fear of judgment. You are doing this for yourself, no one else.

I suggest you put aside conflicting thoughts between your religious and secular-minded friends. The important one here is YOU. What would YOU like to do ? How do YOU feel about it ? Your thoughts and opinions are as valid as anyone else. Life is not given to us to be lived by proxy, according to someone else's expectations. If whatever you do doesn't harm anyone but those around you still disapprove, then they don't qualify as friends. Friends are those who accept you for what/who you really are. We are all different individuals. Real friends not only tolerate but also appreciate individual differences.

Your life is infinitely precious. There is and can never be anyone quite like you. What you have to express is unique, inimitable. So please do not throw yourself away to gain someone else's approval. You can be whatever you like...as long as it is neither harmful to you or anyone else. If those around you judge you poorly, then it is their problem, not yours. Perhaps it is time to seek more understanding company.

Spread your wings, SweetAmara and let yourself enjoy the flight 🙂

romantic_thi3f · ‎02-03-2017

Hi SweetAmara,

Thanks for your post.

This is a really interesting question and I think you're not alone on this one. I believe many of us are put into boxes (maybe naturally, maybe not) where we don't always get the chance to figure out what it is we really want and who we are.

You mentioned in your post that you long to bring out the free spirit in you but not entirely sure what that looks like. Why the term 'free spirit'? What is it about that word that seems appealing?

One resource that I'd really like to recommend is Danielle LaPorte. Her 'Desire Map' work is based on the motto of 'how do you want to feel?'. It puts away specific goals (i.e. travel, complete a certificate) and instead focuses on the core feeling. Some people don't know what that looks like either; maybe they want to feel powerful but can't yet see it. Many times people like to do vision boards or just try to get curious for a while until they see how they can better implement that feeling in their life.

This is the website if you want to check it out - http://www.daniellelaporte.com/thedesiremap/ You don't have to buy the book of course but there's plenty on her site about the concept and also a Facebook group if you're into that.

Get curious. You may not have the confidence yet, but that's okay. You may find that you can build it step by step into the free spirit that you want to be.

SweetAmara · ‎02-03-2017

Hi Starwolf!

I am often told that I have been blessed with several ways of creative expression: creative writing, poetry, singing, crafting and painting/drawing. I tend to shy away from those things because like everybody I don't want things to be criticised. Especially given how hyper critical I already am of myself.

I am hoping over time I can learn to be more accepting of who I am without fear of rejection. I'll definitely take into consideration the questions you raised here and think carefully about my own feelings. Thank you so much!

SweetAmara · ‎02-03-2017

Hi romantic_thi3f!

Thank you so much for responding to my post.

I think for so long my identity was how successful I was at school, how involved I was, how much the teachers liked me (because I had a hard time with friends) etc. One removed from that, having been at a very small school, I have struggled for a long time to feel like I matter and like I have anything to offer.

The term "Free spirit" appeals to me because I have been terrified my whole life. It's no exaggeration. As a little girl, I was scared of sleeping with my bedroom closed, simply because I thought I would run out of oxygen and die. I have lived in fear for as long as I can remember. Extreme fear of not being good enough, failure, being alone, not being loved - so many things, I can't even name them all, but they've been there. Since I was younger, I have always wanted the absence of that, I wanted to do things fearlessly sometimes. I deprived myself of so many opportunities to have fun and enjoy myself because everything was bad. Parties, drinking, going out with friends etc. etc. I worried myself into paralysis. It's something that I am working to undo. But the aftermath is feeling like I lost so much as a result. Now at 22, I feel lost, isolated and besides my family and long distance boyfriend incredibly lonely. I feel like I skipped being a kid. I did that to myself. So that's why the term registers so much with me.

Thank you for the info about the "Desire Map," I will definitely look into it, I am sure it'll come in handy!

Thanks again!

romantic_thi3f · ‎03-03-2017

Hi SweetAmara,

Thanks for your post.

I really appreciate you opening up about why the term free-spirit resonates with you. I can relate to many of your experiences and I am sorry that you have had to feel this way, and for so long too. I think it takes an enormous amount of courage to try and almost flip that situation on it's head.

I know I have often been told, "ah you are in your 20's - you're in the prime of your life" and to that I say - the prime of my life has changed. You have not lost anything. You have gained; knowledge about yourself, about what you like/dislike, what you need, the person that you want to become. The resilience that you now have in going through what you had but also wanting to take control of things.

Knowing what a free-spirit looks like might be a bit of a challenge;- is it drinking and going out with friends? or is it a cosy night in? What would a day look like? You mentioned in your post that you can be a bit creative; maybe that could be a part of your life. What would your life look like if you truly loved yourself?

Also Pinterest and vision boards - it's a bit random but it can be incredibly therapeutic and a great way to 'manifest' or even just dream about a bigger and brighter future.

SweetAmara · ‎04-03-2017

Hi again romantic_thi3f!

Thank you so much, I really do appreciate your kind words, and take them to heart.

I have definitely been told things like that, "You're young, make mistakes, have fun." All those kind of statements, which is fine, but I am the one trying to fight the crippling self-doubt. I suppose you're right, I haven't lost anything, I have gained perspective.

See, I am not really someone who drinks, but I think what I am missing is people. I simply don't spend enough time with other people. And though I don't drink or party, often times I miss out on the fun parts, because I never go. If that makes sense? I miss out on the storytelling of the silliness that ensued or whatever and I don't necessarily just mean on nights out. I guess I'll have to figure out what my day will look like. I am writing a YA book at the moment, so that's given me some purpose. The last question you asked is pretty crucial and I read a similar one a while ago, "What would you do if you couldn't fail?" The answer is everything. I would do or try everything within reasonable terms because I'd no longer feel like I was destined to fail.

I love Pinterest! I do use that quite regularly and it does help me, I am trying to adjust to living more in the moment, instead of looking back or forward.

Thank you for your message.

Elizabeth CP · ‎04-03-2017

I think you need to be careful about comparing your life & others because you only see the part they let you see. You mentioned always doing the'right'thing & missing out on the drinking, parties etc others enjoyed. one reason you stuck with doing the right thing may be that you knew deep down that it was better. You avoided the negative consequences which come from getting drunk, breaking the law etc.

The problem that I see is your fear has stifled your ability or motivation to try different things which you may enjoy. If you aren't sure what you want to do have a go at things to see what you enjoy or are passionate about. Remember everyone is different so don't restrict yourself to things you know other people enjoy. One idea is to write a list of any ideas you can think of & then pick a couple to try. If you don't like it pick something else. Being a free spirit means you are free to explore & try things till you find things which make you happy. My children were all very adventurous & took up skiing rockclimbing, snorkling, bushwalking. One took up flying & delivered papers to pay for his lessons while he was at school. My nephew loves music & spends hours playing or listening to music. I know other people really love to draw or paint or write. There is no right thing for everybody It is about finding what is right for you. Good luck & have fun trying things

SweetAmara · ‎05-03-2017

Hi ElizabethCP,

I am not really trying to compare myself to anyone. At least no intentionally. What I meant was that because I don't drink or party, I have missed out on a lot of human interactions, I have always been too highly strung. I don't drink because alcoholism runs in my family. But by simply not going to those events at all, I have somewhat alienated myself from my peers, that was more what I was trying to say.

I guess I could try to think of some things to do. There's things I would love to do, but having to be out in the public is scary for me, one thing is to sing; but I just don't know if I am good enough for that. I guess I'll just have to explore some more.

Elizabeth CP · ‎06-03-2017

Sorry if I came across as criticizing you as I wasn't. It was probably good avoiding parties etc given the family history of alcoholism. Watching others get drunk & make a fool of themselves is not my idea of fun. You mentioned wanting to sing. Have a go. The idea isn't to be the best singer in the world it is simply to find things you enjoy. Hopefully that will enable you to make some friends with similar interests. Good luck with the search.