How do I get a girlfriend

[Richardb3]

How can I get a girlfriend ? You would think you could just cruise through life and it would happen naturally, but I have realised that this is not the case. I am so depressed all the time now. How can I overcome this? 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Richardb3,

Thank you for your post this morning. We're sorry to hear how much it affects your self esteem and overall happiness in life, feeling as though you don't know how to get a girlfriend, and wondering what you're doing wrong.

First of all we want to ask if you have a regular professional support person? (ie a regular counsellor). Especially when our mental health and self esteem are being affected by the issues in our lives, it's generally a great idea to link in with someone who can really get to know us and support us on an individual level - in a way that we can't just hearing only little snippets of what is going on. If you don't already have someone, it might be worth considering - even if only for a short time?

Secondly, we wonder if you are struggling because you're putting in so much focus into finding only a romantic connection? Do you have many girls as friends? Sometimes we can put so much pressure on the focus of attaining a romantic connection that we forget to enjoy others as friends as well. It's a good idea (at any age and/or life experience), to let go of only considering others as romantic connections - it's important even just getting to know someone and having fun with others, making friends, connecting with a social circle and seeing where things go naturally from there? 

Please rembember that being our best selves is very important so that when we do finally meet someone we want to be in relationship with (and it's reciprocal), we can be the best versions of ourselves in the relationship and thats important for having healthy relationships overall.

Please consider giving one of our counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 (or maybe you might prefer online chat?) to access brief counselling support if you ever need it. 

We're sure others in this beautiful online community will have some amazing wisdom and experience to share with you too.

Kind regards,

Sophie M
 

[Richardb3]

Hi Sophie, 

Thanks for your response. Yes, I see a therapist about this. 

I do not have many female friends, only some acquaintances. 

[Petal22]

Hi Richardb3,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand how hard it is when all we want is to find a significant other..

Sometimes waiting to meet that person can feel like a life time.

You will meet that special someone it just takes time sometimes.

Hang in there, what’s for you won’t pass you by.

[Richardb3]

Thanks so much Petal22 

[ecomama]

Hey Richardb3, 

I'm alot older than you, I can just tell lol. But even my eldest daughter in her 30s said I was right about something... that happens every now and again lol... 

She only said this week that the moment you get your life right on track, do things you love, get healthy, begin to really believe you don't need a partner to love life.....BAM it happens. You meet someone. 

See the opposite can happen also. 
When we are SO singular focussed on kind of "imposing our Will" on to someone else... well you could just meet "someone" but this person could also be totally wrong for you, do far more damage and cost you more than money eg precious mental health, years off of your life etc. 

I see the keys to more happiness being: 
Getting really into YOUR life. 
Really thinking about ALL the fun things in life you'd like to do or learn how to do... kayaking? Art? Volunteering? IDK this list is yours! 
Improving yourself in as many ways you want to; physically, mentally - happiness works wonders lol, career wise... the list is yours. 

When you're out doing things YOU Love doing, there's far more chance of meeting others who are like minded, people you have things in common with. 
Having shared interests is a solid basis for great friendships. 

The book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" is a great read, outlining awesome life Principles we can easily live by and have a truly rewarding life. 

Best wishes
EM

[Richardb3]

Thanks ecomama for your helpful response 

[Richardb3]

Hi again, 

The moderators told me to post this here for some reason. 

I am wondering if there are any pros to being a 20 year old male. 20 year old men are not particularly attractive to women. I thought that being a 20 year old man was supposed to be some sort of amazing gift, and life would be great, but is clear (at least to me) that this is a lie. It is obvious that 20 year old women have far more fun. 

[tmas]

Hi, 20yo woman here. I'm going to be honest, the only thing that will make a man (or any person) attractive to a potential partner (not hookup) is them being a healthy and stable person. Granted, many women (seems you're looking for women) aren't particularly healthy or stable, but that just means it is reasonable for you to not be attracted to them.

Envision what a person who you want to be with would want in you. If you want someone reliable, confident, self-possessed, emotionally available, mature and introspective, then ideally you would work to grow those qualities in yourself. I only ever wanted to be with someone who was a whole person and willing to be an individual who was separate to me but chose to share themselves as something extra. I wasn't able to get this until I did a lot of work in therapy to realise that amending my behaviour so that others would stay in my life was NOT a foundation for anything fulfilling. This isn't exclusive to men, I've had the same experience with a woman where both of us were insecure. 

I feel that there isn't a good enough vocabulary for young men navigating loneliness. Obviously I'm not a young man, but I have empathy for young people whose cumulative experiences have led them to feel worthless. Society tells us that relationships are our goal, even if we fake it til we make it (oof) - increasingly women are told to be people before they are a couple, and I worry that men perhaps aren't given the vocab for this.

As for 20 being a golden year full of opportunity, it's all garbage and most 35 year olds will tell you they're just as confused as they were at 20, but (hopefully) just have a little more in the bank. Don't stress the age we're at being some sort of period of possibility - and 20 year old women that I know really aren't having more fun. Issues are always at play, regardless of what you're seeing, and I want to emphasise that thinking of women as separate from men is unproductive and harmful only to yourself. People are all equally complex, and it may seem like a dichotomy but women are lonely too, and you genuinely need to be compassionate with yourself, and hopefully someone similar will admire that in you and an attraction will ensue. Best of luck, if I find anything specifically for young men I might link!

[Croix]

Dear  Richardb3~

I would think one of the reasons it was suggested you post about the attractions of the 20yo male is a set if things that might surprise you. I have read your previous posts and know how important it is for you to have a girlfriend

I would suggest that at 20 you are starting to reach the age where preconceived ideas could be questioned, that you had reached the stage were giving (no, not material things)  can be understood  as being as important as receiving and that you can accept being surprised. You can also start to see by looking around it is not the most physically attractive persons who are always the happiest

At slightly younger than you by a couple of years I was very lonely and would have given anything for a girlfriend. I was so lonely and left out. The problem in fact was I had a preconceived idea of what I wanted (which was very conventional) and the people I tried to attract, even when I succeeded in the short term did not work out. I thought that was because of me. That couple of years left me lonelier than before

Then I met someone who was doing a job that was most demanding, combining kindness with firmness and as a result had gained the respect of those she worked with. Actually, she was nothing like my preconceived idea of what I wanted, but I could see in her completely different qualities, deeper ones

I’d started to see people as they really were, not the gloss on the surface. I also started to see myself as I was, (helped by her) and was surprised at the things that were valued, honesty, reliability, kindness, fun - not looks.

Sure she ended up as my girlfriend, them my wife. Along the way I had got to see her character and how she was inside, she saw similar in me. Loneliness stopped on the spot

Please don’t see yourself under the label of a 20yo male. Please see the Stirling character traits you have inside you, and look inside others, not seeing them as ‘potential girlfriend’, but as whole people with traits you can see

It will work out. Sadly sometimes it requires a bit of patience, but even that  can have an upside, others will see you do not blindly rush in.

Croix