How do I deal with a fear of failure?

[LilacGirl]

Hey everyone, this is my first post on this site and I am a little nervous to be honest so I'm going to apologise in advance for any rambling that may occur.

As I'm sure you guessed from the title, I have a major fear of failure that's messing with my life. I'm 21 and feel like I have achieved nothing since graduating high school. I have dropped out of university so many times; in fact I've never actually completed a semester because every time I feel like I might fail a subject I just drop out before it can get to that point. I don't want to have to deal with the embarrassment of finding out I'm a failure. Ironically, I feel like a failure already because of how many times I've dropped out.

I also lack self-discipline. I was able to achieve pretty good grades in school but only because there was always someone hanging over my shoulder forcing me to do my work. Without that I'm completely useless.

I am posting this hoping that somebody has dealt with a similar problem and has any advice for me. I considered some form of exposure therapy but I'm not sure how well that would work, or even how I'd go about that. Thank you for the taking the time to read this, hopefully I can reciprocate the favour in some way.

[geoff]

Hello LilacGirl, please let me welcome you to the site.

I often tell people who are struggling at uni that it maybe a good idea to defer, simply because it's proving to be exhausting and something they are frightened of completing.

There's no rational logic to why they should try and push themselves through a course they don't believe they can complete, this will only be a reason why depression begins, but it doesn't mean that you're a failure by any means.

I had to push myself through 3 years of college only because that's what my parents insisted I do, instead, I wanted to work, save for a car etc.

There's an enormous difference between being at school to being at uni, the latter doesn't have all the pressure to maintain high scores, and going to uni may only involve being there for a couple of hours and not 9 to 3.30.

So feeling the way you do doesn't warrant any respect for yourself and that's not fair.

The suggestion of 'exposure therapy' may definitely be a good option but perhaps if you see a psychologist then they may decide on the best way to help you.

Try not to pull yourself down because there is light at the end of the tunnel and help from your doctor and psychologist will certainly be able to help you and please remember there are many people who understand what you have told us and will want to assist you.

It would be great to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi LilacGirl,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for joining us!

You’re in good company and definitely not a rambler 🙂

It kinda sounds like you’re in a bit of a loop - fear of failure leads you to dropping out which leads you to fear of failure which leads to dropping out.. I can imagine that it would be both frustrating and completely getting you down.

It feels like from your post, you have ‘failed’. Which means you know exactly what it looks like and feels like. Your right there - at the bottom. So there’s really no where else to go.

I wonder - what might your life look like if you didn’t have a fear of failure?

From my own story - yeah I felt like a failure. Finished year 12. All my friends at the time were off to uni, started working and bumped themselves up to high positions earning lots of money - and me - well I was just at home feeling kinda stuck. Couldn’t get a job; couldn’t get into uni. Bounced around a few tafe courses which didn’t work out.
I think long story short over time you realise that you’re not in fact useless - you’re just figuring out where you need to go and what’s important to you. and that’s totalllly okay.

[LilacGirl]

Thanks Geoff!

Yea I definitely need to speak to someone about this. I do think I can get through the course eventually and I do enjoy what I study, but you're right that it can be so emotionally exhausting sometimes. I was nervous to post at first but it's been really good to just get this off my chest.

Lilac.

[LilacGirl]

Thanks Romantic!

Yea, you hit the nail on the head with the loop thing. Every now and then I get this urge to sort my life out so I enrol again in something or other, be it TAFE or uni and it just leads to the same thing as always.

I'm sorry to hear you went through it as well. It sucks when everyone else is leaps and bounds ahead of you career wise. I keep trying to tell myself that everyone moves forward at their own pace but eh...doesn't always work.

I've decided I'm going back to full-time study next year and I've committed myself to get through a whole semester, even if I feel like I might fail a subject. So that'll be interesting...

[Vero]

Hi LilacGirl,

fear of failure is my current ordeal so your post is very current for me.

I have never failed (well academically), high achiever, self disciplined, driven and motivated. Still fear of failure is paralysing me. When I look closely at it, my fear appears to be connected to being excluded, not enough. At times it takes monumental proportions and is so overwhelming I am close to non functioning. I see a psych and progressing slowly, at least now I can pin point it’s origins and anticipate triggers.

Your predicament shows an interesting paradox: on one hand fear of failure and therefore a preemptive action. On the other hand self drive and ambition resulting in re-enrolment. i maybe wrong but I’m guessing there could be more to this story. GP could provide you with a referral to a psych. If you ask for mental health program you will receive 10 visit per year free.

As to aspiration to study. Taking uni courses is about many things but the most important one is the change in thinking process. Not what you think but how you structure your thoughts. The research,essays, exams push forward maturation of the mind. Some people are more receptive to this than others.

as to self discipline, this requires training and it would be helped by motivation. I am not sure though if the matter in your case is at all to do with lack of self discipline. There appears to be a flavour of self sabotage.

Lets us know how you doing. All the best

[chooky7]

Hello LilacGirl
If I’m honest this is my first time on this site too, but welcome!
I read your post and I am engaged and want to hear more and try and help and discuss my story with you. I am only 18 and I just completed high school last year, I never thought I would have completed high school because I would always fail. And ever since I was a child I didn’t think I was good enough to receive an education. I nearly dropped out in grade 10-11-12 but I didn’t because I made a decision I would stay in at breaks and work harder to be able to understand how to manage and complete my assignments on time and pass them. Long story short I completed grade 12, I then went straight into Tafe to study Diploma of youth work which is what I’m currently studying, there isn’t a day that goes by where I just want to quit because I haven’t passed some of my units and I keep having to resubmit. But I guess what I am trying to say to you is I hear you and I understand, I know something has happened in your life that has left a scar which has impacted the issue (fear) to become a barrier that stops you from achieving your goals.
Tips that helps me- experiencing fear of failure can trigger me off because I fear the unknown, the un expected. I Try and replace that fear by seeing all the positive outcomes if I were not to let that barrier stop me from achieving my goals.
I find Positive thinking is a tool to build self-confidence, I try and say it out loud or write down whatever I’m trying to think so I can build self-confidence and think positive that I am able, and I can accomplish what I want to do. Sometimes it’s just considering changing our mind sets.
I feel sometimes it helps to look at the worst-case scenario that could happen. Not to freak me out even more, but just recognizing this makes me more prepared and aware of what to expect and how to manage it if it did occur. However, this worst-case scenario may never happen. But at least it’s not out of the blues. I also find having a plan B is also helpful as this encourages me I have something to fall back on if it doesn’t seem to work out.

medication for anxiety and depression is there to help too and if you wanted a second opinion you could ask you GP what they think about it too.

I hope this helped out abit. all the best wishes! you got this I believe you can.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi LilacGirl,

Glad to hear I was on track! It’s hard to know over the internet 😛

So you mentioned that you get this feeling you’re going to fail so you drop out. So then what’s going to be different next year when you go back to full-time study? How do you think that you can commit to it instead of being afraid of failing?

Yeah absolutely - I think it’s important to remind yourself that even though it may not feel like it right now - while you’re struggling you’re also building up a heap of resilience. You’re learning and confronting all of your fears straight in the face. In a way that sets you apart from people who’ve jumped straight into uni! People might be up the career chain, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re happy either.

I can also vouch for Geoff in that therapy might be handy; having someone who you can talk to about this stuff instead of bottling it up inside.