Hot and cold friend

[Reaperbird]

I have/had an online friend, we've known each other for a few years.

We didn't speak to each other a huge lot, but when we did talk, they would always be kind, tell jokes, and tell me they appreciated my friendship. Our conversations were short, but I enjoyed them immensely.

But then there would be long periods of time where they would just outright ignore me, I don't know if it was intentional or not, but they wouldn't message me and they never replied to any of my messages. They replied and spoke to other people, but not me. I know we didn't speak much to begin with, but before, they didn't ignore my messages, and they would start conversations with me here and there... but that went from sometimes, to not at all.
I thought it was an indicator they didn't really want to be friends, but every time I confronted them they would assure me they did want to be friends, and when I finally gave in and removed them on social media, they always followed me back again.

I've felt so conflicted and confused by this behavior. They said they wanted to be friends, but then they didn't treat me like a friend? And every time they suddenly stopped talking to me, it seemed to happen for longer and longer each time. Sometimes for months.

Eventually I gave in and blocked them, I was hurt because I didn't know where I stood with them. I know they do have social anxiety, but it was upsetting me too much. I really like them and I like talking to them, but they kept ignoring me and I couldn't handle it anymore. How am I supposed to feel like their friend when they won't even talk to me? They talk to everyone else too, so why not me?

Still, I feel guilty for blocking them, and I miss them. If I could have talked to them about it I would, but when asked they evaded my questions or ignored my messages. So I don't know what's going on with them or why they have treated me this way.

I wish we could still be friends, but I don't know where I stand and I don't want to feel ignored anymore.

[White_Rose]

Hello Reaperbird

People are like that, unpredictable, sometimes hurtful, sometimes forgetful, angry, teasing etc. You name it someone will act that way. Just because they are online does not make them any different to a friend in real life. In some ways an e-friendship can be more difficult than a person to person friendship because it is so much easier to ignore/dump/hurt someone online who you have never met face to face. I think it is a bit like playing electronic games where you try to kill as many of the 'bad' guys or opposition as possible. In real life you would be horrified to be expected to do this.

This same element of unreality applies with online friendships. Found someone more interesting? Just forget the first person. Got dumped by someone? Go back to the first person. It's rather like kindergarten children saying they will not be friends today but are best buddies tomorrow. Real people grow up and make friends they cherish. The sad thing about e-friends is that they can show you any face they wish and you will have no idea how worthwhile these people are.

So I suggest you cut your losses and make friends with real people. These people will also annoy/infuriate/love/care/help/let you down, but they will do it without pretense. You know when someone is not interested in your company or when you want to be closer to someone because their actions tell you so. I suspect the people you have described above would still act in this manner but you would have walked away a long time ago.

Have you any real life friends? Enjoy their company and get out and enjoy life. If you feel you have no friends go to places where real people go and start chatting to anyone. You will soon find lots of new company and interesting people to know.

Tell us how you go. You will not be ignored here.

Mary

[Starwolf]

Good to read from you Reaperbird, but sorry you find yourself in such conflicted state of mind.

I quite agree with White Rose re the often deceptive character of virtual "friendships".

I also understand your sense of loss as YOU were genuine about it all. I hope you can soon realize that what you have lost was only an illusion. True friendship is about honesty, open communication. YOU know this as you were willing to have all cards out on the table. Those people did not. They refused to come clean.

You deserve a lot better than that. "They" don't deserve you.

Fingers crossed you can soon put this disappointing experience behind you. There's only one reasonable thing to do when dishonesty worms its way into our lives...consign it to the waste basket. It belongs there.

Unfortunately, dishonesty doesn't limit itself to social media...it is only facilitated by it. True friends are not easy to come by in the real world. That's why they are so precious. Thankfully, they're not easy to lose either.

I hope you will soon find people you can relate to...and trust. You have made the right decision, no doubt about that. You are looking after yourself and this is nothing to feel conflicted about. Well done.

My best wishes are with you.