Hopelessness & Self - Hatred

[Noons13]

Hi everyone, 

I've had really bad anxiety for almost 3 to 4 years, particularly social anxiety, which began around the end of high school. Whilst, I have struggled with this for a while, I feel that recently this has contributed to me feeling depressed.

Despite my anxiety during high school, I still had optimism about the future and my life after high school. Since finishing, however, I've lost all hope whatsoever and I just feel worthless. I haven't made any new friends, have become a borderline alcoholic, sleep in almost everyday until 1pm, spending most of my time watching tv or listening to music to distract myself from how bad I feel.

My anxiety more recently has also forced me to take a break from uni, as I would either skip classes or have a complete mental breakdown from being around so many new people. Whilst I felt I had to take a break from uni because I wasn't coping, I feel that this has actually made me more depressed as I have become more isolated. 

I now have developed a sense of hopelessness, where I genuinely don't believe that I'm every going to meet any new people or not worry about things constantly to the point of mental exhaustion because of my anxiety. Without my best friend, who is pretty much the only good thing in my life and my family, I think I would have already ended it all.

Would love to hear from anyone,

Noons

[Croix]

Dear Noons13~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum, and I'm particularly glad as you sound so down, I'm very glad you have that friend.

The sorts of things you are talking about, hopelessness, being overwhemed by new people and routines, being unable to attend classes and trying to cope by sleeping away your life and drinking. These are things some of which I'm familiar. The same applies to blaming myself for what I saw as shortcomings.

May I ask if you have seen a doctor, and if diagnosed are undergoing treatment for your anxiety and depression? The reason I ask is there was no way I could 'fix' myself or make myself feel better. In fact leaving matters only made them worse.

So if you have not yet received medical assistance please do so right away. Despairing of life is so serious as I found out. Although I did not beleive it at the time there is hope of a better, enjoyable and successful life.

If you have not seen a doctor yet please do so at once.

Once you have seen a doctor and obtained a referral to Uni Counseling you can ask to have your studies deferred due to illness, something I've found can be granted as Unis in general want their students to pass, not fail, particularly if ill.

All the thoughts you have about yourself, visions of a hopeless life and being unable to continue are not your thoughts. I found that at the time I could only focus on  hopeless and unpleasant things with no idea of escape. Later I found they were not my thoughts at all, they had been put there by depression, an illness that is very subtle in introducing ideas so you do not realise it is not you.

My life is now good, with a partner, giving and receiving love, in employment which I enjoy and look forward too.

I am concerned about you, would you like to talk more?

Croix

[Noons13]

Really appreciate your concern and I'm glad to hear that you're doing well,

I've only just started seeing a psychologist and haven't been diagnosed with either anxiety or depression. 

You're so right about the way in which both anxiety and depression can help us form a false and overly negative view of ourselves. I have particularly further understood this in regards to social anxiety, as the view that people in social situations would be so cynical for no reason in hating me or thinking I'm strange is just crazy. So despite all my negativity, it is true that there is a way out of this and can change my life in a positive way as you have described, particularly when talking about your own experience. I was talking with my friend tonight actually, he suggested that I should join a few a clubs at uni (even whilst I'm on a gap year) with him to make some new connections, which definitely gives me hope. Similarly, my psychologist has also already helped me better understand anxiety and how to combat it, largely through putting myself, rather than avoiding, uncomfortable social situations. 

It is definitely tough though, as challenging social situations not only cause me to experience extreme levels of anxiety and stress, but also lead to a physical response that causes me to sweat, feel dizzy and shake, it is such an awful experience. Having this experience and its isolating impacts is what I think makes me feel depressed, as it have helped me form this sense of hopelessness and an extremely negative view of myself, where I view myself as not good enough as a result. 

This has only amplified and contributed to my drinking, which has become a problem lately. I've got wasted at home on my own a few times in the last few months, where I might be feeling down and just finish a bottle of red in a hour or so, just so I can sleep and feel good about myself. Really trying to put down the bottle, but I just feel like I can't help myself from drinking on a daily basis and have normalised and feel an urge to have a drink before bed most nights. 

Would love to hear from you again,

Noons.

[Croix]

Dear Noons~

As far as I can see your worst problem is alcohol. Yes meeting people is extremely stressful and causes physical reactions, however they are a means to an end where you end up more conformable and find that people do like you and you actually enjoy being together

I used to minimize my social interactions and that is not helpful in the long run, it seems to be going nowhere, there is no light at the end of the tunnel to hope for. Doing the  opposite and seeing others does leave one with hope.

Alcohol has the big attraction that for a while it seems ot work. if you have enough you go to sleep rahter than being up and worrying all night. As time goes on two things happen, first your tolerance goes up, so you have the drink more the get the same effect and secondly it harms you body -seriously.

It is also addictive. It skews thinking, you end up not feeling good about yourself.

I"m sure you are already perfectly aware of all this, however if you were like me night times were something to dread as I'd not sleep. If I might suggest see if your GP has a substitute that is less harmful, explaining your growing reliance on alcohol.

I have meds that promote sleep, and htey are effective becuse I practice Smiling Mind, a free phone app that has mindfulness exercises that calm my thoughts. 

You are lucky to have a sensible friend. I hope your new psych is a big help, mine has been.

If you would like to say how you get on htat would be good, incidentally it would be no big deal to say here if you had trouble giving up the booze, it happens.

Croix

[Noons13]

Hi Croix,

Hope you're doing well, but thought it might be a good time to touch base, as I've been really struggling lately. 

Still having issues with sleep (currently writing this at 3:37am). Feel like I'm overrun by negative thoughts when I'm trying to sleep, constant feelings of inadequacy and stress about life. I'm trying to love myself, but it's really difficult to block out overwhelming negative thoughts. This makes it really hard to sleep as I'm constantly feel wired, hyperventilating over all of my problems as often find myself lying in bed for hours upon end constantly cycling through negative thoughts. As a result I feel completely depleted and have really no motivation to do anything really, as I'm always sleep deprived and exhausted. Currently, trying to implement a better structure, but think I might need to see a gp about it. 

My closest friend also has only recently moved away for work (returning late Dec.), whilst we still keep in contact, I've been feeling really lonely and isolated lately. I feel as if the only thing that truly gives me happiness is gone, he is such a kind soul. At least he's returning soon, but might be a tough month or so.

On a positive note, feel like I've been able to regulate my alcohol consumption recently. Still could use some work, but have limited my use to only a few days a week and haven't got wasted alone for awhile now, which is good. 

As well as this, I feel that I have made an effort to be more social recently in trying to combat my social anxiety. I definitely have made an effort to contact friends, and have tried to make an effort to be more social in my day to day life, doing things even as small as chatting with a bartender for a bit. 

Feel like my psychologist has also really helped me layout a structure for recovery and specifically set out changes I need to make in my behaviour to address issues with my mood as well as social anxiety. Think this layered 'plan' is definitely something I could of used prior to starting therapy. She is also good at reinforcing positive beliefs about myself, and has offered useful perspectives which are not influenced by my own negativity bias as well as motivate me to work on myself.

All of these things give me hope, but still feel like not much is changing and I'm still really struggling.

Apologies if this sounds similar to previous posts, but I'd love to hear from you again, or anyone else for that matter,

Noons.

[Croix]

Dear Noons13~

I have been away ill and have only just returned. This means you will not have had an answer from me and may have felt a bit let down.

That is not the case, I have only posted a few times before getting to your thread -which is important and deals with difficult things.  I hope as December is over half over your friend is back or nearly so.  Coming to hte end of isolation is pretty good.

I also hope you and your psych get on, are talking about the same things -and that you are not being pushed too hard to get into social situations. It does not have to be something huge, just a chat to the person htat serves you in a shop can be good.

I mentioned Smiling Mind before. with practice it will calm you mind and make sleep easier. A free smartphone app used by the NSW Education Dept, it caters to al levels from newbies ot experts.

It has to be better than booze in the long run.

Again my apologies for hte silence. If you were to look at my avatar I change it from the walrus to a sign saying "Gone Fishing - Back Soon"

Croux