Hopeless

[Luxie]

Hi,

I don't really know where to start as this has been going on for so long now. I guess I'm here because I've been suffering from depression in the last 4 years. I'm 21 now and I feel like my depression is the worst its ever been. I have lost interest in almost everything. I can't even remember the last time I was happy. Lately I've been feeling more depressed than ever. The smallest things set me off and cause me to break down. Whenever this happens I lose all hope and think of ways to end my life. I was hospitalized over the weekend for getting drunk and attempting suicide. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm barely holding on...

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[JessF]

Hello Luxie, I have been where you are. Finding myself in hospital after a suicide attempt was one of my lowest points. I know what you mean about being set off and your head just jumping straight to horrible thoughts. I think that our brains are like fuseboxes and when we are really vulnerable, they blow, and suicidal thoughts are the brains way of sending a message to say, I can't cope and something is wrong. I wish there was a more helpful message than that! 

One thing that is helpful in the darkness is that when you recognise that this is your brain 'short circuiting', then you can start to take a step back, distance yourself and think about the way forward. It doesn't matter when you were last happy, in a way, because even if you'd been overjoyed last week you probably wouldn't remember it anyway because that is what depression does to our minds.

What do you do from here? Well, the first thing you have already done. You have reached out and asked that question and are talking to other people. You may feel like you are barely holding on, but you are here and that is important. We're not going to let go, the world is not going to let go.

After being in hospital like that, your world is going to be a little simpler for a bit. Start by thinking about what you are doing in the next hour, for the morning, for the afternoon. Don't think about the next week, and certainly dont' trouble yourself with the next month or year. Stay here in the now and start to build on what you have, not what you feel you have lost.

Are you seeing a psychologist or a counsellor at the moment? And do you have frieends/family looking after you and checking on you?

[Luxie]

Thank you for replying to my post.

I see a psychologist who I've been seeing for 2 months now. Before that, the last time I was talking to someone was when it first started. I stopped seeing someone once I felt that I was no longer depressed. I also did the same with my medication but I was advised to go back on them. I don't feel like they did much though. I have a great family but my mum is the only one who supports me in these times. I have friends but I've lost touch with them over time. I also have a boyfriend but I feel that I am losing him. He was angry at me for what I did over the weekend. I think I have put him through a lot and he even said that he doesn't know how much longer he can last if it continues. What do I do? I don't want to lose him.

[JessF]

Hello Luxie, I think in the first instance its important to keep up with the medication and seeing the psychologist and resist the temptation to stop because you don't feel depressed any longer.  From what you describe, it sounds like what many of us have, and that is difficulty with our coping mechanisms.  Seeing your psychologist regularly will help you to learn better thinjking and coping strategies and build up resilience over time so that you're not getting to rock bottom before seeking help, does that make sense?

Dperession is so tough on our loved ones. How long have you and your boyfriend been together?  Can you suggest that he gets some support and talks to someone about what he is going through?  Try not to take his words too harshly right now as like you he will be very emotionally raw after the weekend.  If you can both get the right support around you then the strain will be lessened.  It is great that your mum is supportive.

[white knight]

Dear Luxie,

I have nothing to add to JessF's posts.  Exactly the right advice in all aspects.  Take care and hang in there.  What a mum you have!!   

[Luxie]

Yes, it does. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow to talk about going back on medication.
We've been together for about 6 months now so not very long. But things were going really well for us and I had to mess it all up. I wish I was stronger. I'm not sure if that is something he would consider. I'm really scared that my depression is going to push him away. This has happened to me in the past. It would ruin me if it happened again. The thought of losing him makes me want to do everything I can do to fight my depression. My problem is that even though I'm taking the steps to get help, I don't really know what to do in the meantime?

[Neil_1]

Hi Luxie

 I’ve just caught up with your thread and read all the posts between you and Jess;   Jess is a wonderful person on this site who has a mountain of knowledge and she’s provided you with some excellent posts and advice.

I think we’re really hearing loud and clear that you want this relationship to continue – which is great – but as Jess mentioned, after what happened over the weekend, there is no doubt strain and tension there, particularly for your boyfriend.  I would try to make it clear to him that what occurred on the weekend was nothing to do with him – but it was due to the horrible issues of depression that you’re dealing with and one thing piled upon another and then another – and when in that kind of mode, and having had too much to drink as well, something just snapped inside of you. 

I know – in those moments, it’s like your mind is vacuumed out and you are empty, numb and doing something horrible is the thing that is most prevalent in your mind.  It’s horrible, terrible, the worst thing to be that way and just to say, that the pain that would happen if anything horrible like that was to occur would be monumental for those left behind.  I guess I’m trying to lay it down in black and white to hopefully keep you off that path at any stage in the future.

But I’ve digressed away from what you were really wishing to know – and that is how to act and do things right now. 

 I do hope that you ask your doctor about that kind of question as well.  Getting back on medication will be a positive for you as well … but if it’s been sometime since you’ve been on meds, it might be well worth asking whether the same kind would be helpful to you;  or perhaps there might be some other ‘newer’ variety?

Luxie, what kinds of interests do you?   Do you have hobbies at all, or are you into any sports – gym, etc??  I know it will be hard for you at this current time but even if you can try to take on ‘one’ of your interests and try to get as involved with that as possible – if you’re able to do something like that – it can help to occupy your mind/brain and has the potential to give you some ‘down-time’ away from your low feelings. 

Perhaps even books or music?   Just something so you’re not being overwhelmed all day by the depressive feelings.

I hope you can stay here with us for a while and I would really like to hear back from you as well.

Kind regards

Neil

[Luxie]

Last night I couldn't sleep so I wrote him a letter which I will give to him later today when I see him. I can sense that he's angry and I feel that he might be punishing me or scaring me into getting better. I don't know why he would do that to me. Especially at a time when I need him the most.

I've made a promise to myself that I won't drink anymore, at least, not as much as I have in the past. I might not have much control over my emotions and such but I know I do have some control over my behavior and I guess I need to start taking better care of myself by not drinking.

I stopped taking my medication in January but I was on them for 3 years. I don't think I would want to continue taking the ones I was on, I'd like to try something new.

As for interests and hobbies, I really don't have much. I used to but it's so hard to enjoy things nowadays. Not a lot interests me anymore. Most of the time, I struggle to get out of bed. I go to the gym with a friend sometimes but I could never go alone. I like music and I like to read but I don't think those things would distract my from my thoughts. I'm meant to be going to uni but I stopped going months ago. I have a lot of assignments due and exams are coming up too. Even going to work is hard but luckily I only have one shift a week but even that feels overwhelming.

[Luxie]

My mum has suggested joining a support group but I said no because I felt ashamed but I feel like I could really benefit from it. Does anyone know of any support groups I could join in Melbourne?