Scared doctor will tell me Im a drama queen.

[yoltwag]

Im 15, and feel as though I may be suffering from depression.

To go to the doctors would be a big thing for me, and

Im terrified that he'll say its just teenage hormones. 

I appear to

suffer from most symptoms, and it's been a good two years since I was happy. I can still have a laugh at school now and then. I also have extremely low self esteem and cant stand to look at myself or see anyone I know in public areas etc

I used to be very up and down. I'd be ok sometimes, but when I had my downs it was awful.

I wanted to die but I didnt want to put myself through the pain. If I could of killed myself painlessly I would. I would cry and hyperventilate etc and feel way too overwhelmed to survive. This was only ever when I was alone, I NEVER show this infront of anyone else. I don't want to come across as an attention seeker. 

I got the opportunity to

cut myself off from some of my problems. I moved out from my parents place, and gave up the one thing I held onto, my horse. The crazy downs stopped, but know I feel worse. Ive cant remember what its like to be happy. I cant cry. I feel awful all the time. It's like im numb to anything but negative emotions. All I want to do is breakdown and let it out but it just isnt happening for me. I also have major sleeping and concentration issues. Have also gained a very large amount of weight. 

The only two symptoms that I'm not sure about is 'hopelessness for the future' and 'loss of interest in hobbies etc'. If I look five years ahead, I fell hopeless. But Im dreaming about the day I finally escape, and I do think in ten years time when I leave this all behind me that I will have a future. So I dont really know if that counts. 

I can't really say if I have lost interest in hobbies. My only true hobby was horse riding. When I moved from my parents I had no choice but to give it up. I still enjoy it but I can't stand being around horses too much as I break down thinking about the past and what it could of been like. But I do feel aLOT less MOTIVATED when it comes to exercise etc.

In fact I have no motivation at all.

Basically,

Im so scared to talk to the doctor. IM AWFUL at talking to people. Ill brush it off and talk how I feel down, as I feel I shouldnt have depression because nothing horrific has happened to me. Ill be lost for words and not know what to say. But Im also scared of not having it because a life like this is just not worth it if nothing is wrong. 

Sorry for the length, thanks in advance for any replies. 

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[yoltwag]

PS; i'd be interested in medication if I got diagnosed- not therapy.

[geoff]

dear Yoltwag, I feel awfully sorry for anyone who has depression, but then I go an extra step and that is for young people to have to suffer this illness at such a young age, although the other side to this is that they become a stronger and much more knowledgeable person as they mature, however this doesn't help them short term, as you struggle with depression.

We want to envisage that our future would be nice and believe that all will be fine and prosperous, but after we have been through depression our lives change so much, but this doesn't mean that it won't be good, because it certainly can be, however we do lose interest in our previous hobbies, so we start new ones, ones that were never even considered.

Firstly if you google 'kids helpline for depression and mental illness' there are numerous different sites for kids to contact as the list is too long to type them all, but please have a look at them.

If a doctor wants to put you on any medication, which will certainly help you, they may also want you to see a counsellor, but you seem to reluctant to have any therapy, but although it may seem to be scary for someone your age, you may meet a lovely psychologist who truly understands what you are going through.

I also hope that you can either reply back to us or wait until other people who respond to others reply to you also, and I have to tell you that all of us have been to hell and back, so we all know what this illness does to you and anybody else who is struggling. Geoff.

[Bridge]

Hi Yoltwag

I had depression as a teenager, but it was never diagnosed.  People just thought I was a bit odd.  or very odd. depending on how I was and how (un)charitable they were feeling.

I didn't seek any help ( I thought I was just weird too) until I had a pretty major breakdown at 29.  By that time Id been depressed pretty much since I was about 12.  and like you, I didnt see a doctor because I thought they would just say 'oh your being dramatic'.

In the process of that, I lost all the years until I was 29 in cementing good realationshiops and jobs, so I started doing that at 32,  as one does,( at usually about 17-18 ).  I have lost a lot to this disease, or more truly, to it not being diagnosed and dealt with appropriately. 

so.  my message to you is go to the doctor. 

 In fact, think of going to three.  im sure doctors aren't always 20/20 in their vision, so if by some chance the first doctor says "nah yr fine" , see if the next two agree with him. ( Im pretty sure they will all agree with you, but just in case, be prepared to go and find a second and third opinion.) 

If you are worried about seeing the doctor, write something down and just hand it to them.  Then you can say what you mightn't be able to just at that moment.

Now your freaking because it sounds too hard.  Go and see one doctor.  see what happens.  then think about the next step.

there are kinds of depression that are caused not by bad things happening to you, but by the chemicals in your brain being out of whack. I have got depressed and had a promotion in the same week. That aint ment to happen!!

pills help.  but also' thinking therapy' helps- its not what I  imagined, its about monitoring your thought processes and looking at them really analytically, and retraining yourself to think so it helps you, rather than shoots you in the foot.  (having out of whack chemicals can really get you into some bad thinking habits)  .  Anyway, for what its worth, I found it quite interesting really, once id got past the whole stigma things of  "needing THERAPY (cos im weird.)"  Its also helped me a huge amount.

finally, I have horses too.  aren't they just the best?  my horse is called cody.  hes a Percheron X.  hes enormous!

write back and tell me how your going.

well done for getting on here, theres a big tribe here who help eachother a lot, everyday.

maybe you could start by printing off what you wrote to us, so you can hand it to a doctor.  or re-write it if you wish, and print it off.

and then  go to the doctor, and tell us all what happened.

Big Hug girl,  your on the right track.

Bridge