Help Me.

[xDariix]

I'm 21 years old and for as long as I can remember, I've had problems with socializing with people, organizing my life and motivation. I'm extremely self-conscious and I always have trouble speaking my mind. I've recently started seeing a psychologist thinking that I might have had ADHD. But she believes that I probably have Depression and Anxiety. I've taken a lot of online tests and a majority of those symptoms are positive. Okay, I understand that and I accept it.

What I need help with is...what am I supposed to do? If I am diagnosed with Depression or something, what do I do then? All I know is failure, how to be good at letting others and myself down. I know I don't do it on purpose, but I feel like I'm doing it just to hurt myself. And I want to stop but I don't know how. I feel like I'm in a hole and I just can't pull myself out of it. I'm never satisfied with myself and everything I do is wrong in everyone's eyes, including myself.

People say that motivation is enough. But when I get motivated to do something, when I start, it's gone, because it's just not right. Nothing is right and I just want it all to end because I hate living like this. I've never thought of suicide, but I've imagined how much better off the world would be without me. Sometimes, I want to grab a couple of my belongings and just leave, because I tend to feel better when I'm alone. But I don't want to be alone. I want to have people to turn to and I want there to be nothing wrong with me, but I've felt like this for so long and I've only recently started to acknowledge how horrible I feel on a day to day basis and that there is probably something wrong with me and can it just stop?

I feel like there's more to life than this. I want to be something better and be proud of myself and I want to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Please help.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Dariix  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and “well done” to you for coming here and posting your thread – that’s a good positive step you’ve made and I hope that between a few of us on here, that we may be able to guide, support and advise you over the next little while.  

That’s great that you’ve taken the big step of seeing a psychologist (may I ask was that person referred to you by your GP?).  To me, it sounds like you may have by-passed the GP as they are usually the first ‘ports of call’ in diagnosing any depression or anxiety and from there, they will refer you on and possibly advise you to go on some medication as well.  But that’s all cool, if you haven’t seen a GP – perhaps this psychologist could refer you back to one?  

What do you do if you’re diagnosed with depression?  Well, I was going to say, you could always come to Beyond Blue 🙂 but you’ve already done that – say Big Tick to you already.  

Next would be to see your GP – but then, if you’ve been diagnosed with depression, this would no doubt have happened via your GP – so let’s assume you’ve seen your GP and let’s assume that they’ve put you on some kind of medication also.  

Next?  Well with medications, they usually take between 5-6 weeks before they kick in – yes, it’s a bit of a process, but if they selected the right one for you, then you will hopefully notice a difference.  One thing with this though, is that I’ve read where some doctors just prescribe the medications and let the person go on their way.  I would advise against this – and suggest you seek a regular kind of appointment with your doctor – as sometimes different meds may cause some side-effects and I feel you want to be monitored during this initial process by your GP, just to make sure that all is ok for you.  

With what you’ve described in parts of your post, I can see definite depressive symptoms in there – the feeling of failure, the feeling of letting others down, being in a dark hole – feeling that the world would be better off without you – all classic symptoms – depressive symptoms.   But Dariix, please please, there’s nothing wrong with that – and can I say that you SHOULD be proud of yourself.  You’ve come to this site, you’ve had a look around and then you’ve registered and then produced this thread.  You’ve expressed yourself damn well – clear meaning to what you’ve written – so that speaks to me that you’re a very intelligent and insightful human being.  Be damn PROUD of that. 

You also don’t want to fail – you want to do well.   The fact that things are being addressed now are great positives for you – and believe it or not, but it requires motivation from YOU, to be doing this kind of thing – just thought I’d mention that as you did mention about motivation in your thread.  

Are you currently working?    What’s your situation with family/friends?

 And another big thing to address/work on, are what are some of your interests/hobbies?   Are you into sport at all?   If there’s something in amongst that, that you enjoy, then this is something really trying hard to get back into – because the more you can focus on something that interests you, can help to assist you with pushing your depressive thoughts to the side-line – and if you can do this in conjunction with having GP/psyche appointments, and meds, all this can be a working help for you to try to make a better future.

Sorry for the length of this post back to you and I hope you haven’t dropped off half-way through.

Kind regards

Neil

[xDariix]

Thank you for your response.

Yes, I was referred by my GP for having symptoms of ADHD, Depression, Anxiety and OCD. I've only seen the psychologist twice and will see her again next month.

And as for work? Well, no. I've always wanted to get a job and I was taking an Accounting course, but that's where the motivation thing kicks in. I just feel so tired all the time and I want to do nothing but curl up in my bed and sleep. The course was really expensive and I tried, I really did, but for some reason, I just unlearn the stuff I'm taught. And my dad paid for it so...you can imagine how I feel.

I live with my family, but none of them really acknowledge the fact that there might be something wrong with me. I also find myself withdrawing from them and I don't want to, but I start getting agitated when there's people in my room because I just want to be alone all the time.

I've always been an awkward person and I don't like making friends because I never know how to talk to them and I have this weird habit of thinking while I'm talking so I get off track too quickly...and I always end up with the need to be alone. So even if a person does think I'm a nice person and all, I will be the one cutting ties, in fact, I think I do it most of the time.

I've never liked sports and I will go out of my way to be lazy. Sometimes I feel so ready to do something (like take a walk or go on a treadmill) and then...suddenly, I don't want to do it.

The only things I actually enjoy doing are singing, reading and writing fiction. But when I'm reading, my attention always gets diverted by the littlest of things. When I'm writing, I find ways to procrastinate and I've tried to focus, but it never happens. And as for singing, well, I love it more than anything and it gives me momentary freedom, but it's hardly anything to live on.

Also, I have Lupus, an un-treatable autoimmune condition as well as Anemia. I hear that they could be triggers for Depression. I've had it since 2010.