Hi and Help

[Whatsgoingon]

Hi Everyone,


First time posting in one of these forums. And I'd like to thank you in advance for your time.


To give you a general overview about me. I'm male and 24 years of age. I've always had social anxiety issues as well as a few years of bad obsessive thoughts in my teens which required the intervention of medication. Through these early years of obsessive thinking I did develop derealization - which I learnt to live with quite comfortably. I have dabbled in recreational drug use with both some bad and good experiences. Namely one of my worst experience was terrible reaction to speed which forced me to be held up in bed for a few days. Other than that I'm your average guy who really enjoyed my sport and working out. Now whilst things had not been perfect (namely my social retardation) - I had been living a rather normal life.


Last year I started working at a company that very much undervalued its employees - in turn I developed a great distaste for one person in management. I ended up leaving the company after 8 months. I moved in with my parents for a few weeks and this is where my pain began (this has nothing to do with my parents btw).


About three weeks into my stay my parents had some friends over - I had a really awkward encounter with them (honestly it was really just me acting like my normal awkward self), anyway that night I woke up and really felt disconnected from myself. I straight away thought it must have been depersonalization - I really could not recognize myself in the mirror.


10 months on and I'm still not back to a 'normal' comfortable version of myself. Everyday feels like the reset button has been pushed and I don't really know who I am. I really struggle to remember things and even find it hard to know what day it is. The not knowing the day is really concerning to me, it's as if the date doesn't really mean anything to me anymore. I started taking medication which made me super anxious - I stopped this after 6 months and am now on Za different antidepressant which has probably slightly helped. I see both a psychologist and psychiatrist however I feel as though I'm getting nothing out of seeing the psychologist as my mind and how I'm going to feel day to day changes so drastically. Like what's the point in trying to tackle my socially issues and what not if I've got no consistency in how I feel on any particular day.

[Whatsgoingon]

Continued..

Weirdly enough this has also been accompanied by some severe bouts of both weakness (experienced this just prior to my depersonalization attack) and lightheadedness (I tend to get this when standing up from a laying down position). I'm not sure what's going on with my body and whether my issues are all related to my mental well being. I've gone from been a guy who use to tackle 10km+ three days a week to struggling to get to the gym once a week. I know that this could be attributed to depression however I just feel it's more physical than mental.


I've also since distanced myself from most friends due to the fact that I can't really enjoy there company and don't at all feel like myself. I'm also finding it hard to really connect with people like use to. Though I was socially inept, I could still make connections with people if I hung around then long enough.


I've abstained from alcohol since this all began in a bid to get myself better to no avail.


My parents and siblings while knowing that I was never mentally sound have started to question what is wrong with me. Why am I not hanging out with friends anymore? Why have I started to stop drinking socially? It's really difficult because I want to build my life i.e. Get a girlfriend, do well at work, buy a house, etc. But I can't.


In short this is bogus. I have a new awesome job, great friends + family, I live in a great neighborhood/city and I can't enjoy it.


Thanks again for your time anyone who has any idea what the hell is going on with me.


Ta,

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Whatsgoingon,

Thanks for your post.

I'm not sure how helpful I can be but at the very least I can welcome you here and say thanks for stopping by and sharing your story.

It sounds like the depersonalisation and derealisation is your biggest concern right now, and rightfully so. I can't help but feel really frustrated for you that you aren't getting the help that you need. I agree that your psychologist focusing on your social issues doesn't really seem helpful now. I think instead it's about learning to be in your body and get that sense of date/time, recognising yourself in the mirror.

Often but not always things like derealisation can happen with trauma, but I've also read and heard about it happening often with drug use. You said in your post that you dabbled a bit, so I wonder if it might be connected. Ultimately though knowing why doesn't really provide too much benefit, but it might give some insight.

Even though there are thousands of members on the forums, I do wonder how helpful we can be. I'm actually thinking that it might help more to go back to your psychologist and talk to him/her about how you're feeling about the sessions. They are there to work with you and support you, and if you don't feel like they're doing that - then it's potentially wasting your and their time. Or perhaps at least they could elaborate on why they've chosen to focus on certain things.

Can I ask what you do when you get that feeling the reset button has been pushed?

I think ultimately that this feeling of depersonalisation and derealisation (all the dee's) is having a knock on affect to everything else in your life; like relationships, work, house etc. I feel like once you're able to get some better support for that then things might start to change.

Hope this helps,