Girlfriend broke up after shift in personality - Depression or/and Aromantic?

[Tom43]

Hi everyone, this situation is stressful and confusing for me. I am worried about her.

My girlfriend and I dated for 10 months. I loved her for her enthusiasm, sense of humour, amazing conversations, her beauty, we got on so well. She came out to me as asexual and after some research didn't worry me, keeping communication open.

As uni started this year, after a wonderful 8 months together, she suddenly began to act distant. In the first week we had a few arguments but sorted it out. After this though, she just shut down, refusing to talk to me, snapping at me and avoiding affection, but was fine to everyone else. This continued for a week before I asked her what was wrong and she said she had lost feelings for me. I agreed to give her some time to think but the next day we resolved that I may have been too clingy the last few weeks and I promised to back off. We returned to semi normal but she would often snap at me, she was getting barely any sleep, falling asleep in class and was stressing over the workload. A month later, she shut down again, almost refusing to have anything to do with me. We went to a friends party where she sulked and sat on her phone the whole night. From here, everytime I saw her, she treated me like I was a creep, snapping at me, ignoring me and I felt terrible, this was very draining for me. Thinking stress was the cause, I took her to the park to unwind and talk but she closed up with her head in her knees saying she wasn't enjoying anything. We had graduation, where she looked burnt out and unhealthy, she was nice to everyone but me. Another week passed of her avoiding me, refusing to talk, snapping. I thought a reason could have been the arguments we had and asked if we could move on, but she said that wasn't it and had lost all feeling for me and now identifued as aromantic. A few days later she broke up with a lengthy letter wishing to be friends but now she doesn't want to be friends either, treating me like a stranger and acting very cold. She has continued to look very burnt out and almost failed her last assignment which is very unlike her. Others have started to mention her, noticing her change in personality too. She definitely is not herself and I really miss her.

What this could mean? After researching, a lot of her symptoms align with depression. She has always shown some unusual social traits too. I am leaving her alone as I feel any push by me will drive her further away. Is there anything I can do? Thank you

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Tom43,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here.

Gosh, this is a really tough one. I'm sorry that you're in this situation and it sounds like it's been a tough time for both of you. I'm not sure how helpful I can be but I will try!

I'm not sure if I can tell you whether or not it's depression or asexual/aromantic. Maybe it could be both. From your post it sounds like all of this has happened very recently; which means she's discovered these things about herself and her sexuality within the last year. These are enormous changes for anyone, and I would imagine that it would probably seem like depression in a sense because there may be a lot of wondering and self-reflection going on. This could also explain a lot of arguments; in that she's figuring out herself why she's lashing out or struggling to find feelings for you.

In your post you mentioned a friends party and her being nice to others at graduation, which makes me think that she does in fact have a few friends and connections out there. Is her social circle strong? Do you know if they are aware of what she's going through? I would at least hope that her friends would be supporting her through this and being there for support. If she is starting to fail subjects this may also stir up some attention from lecturers or student support, which can be helpful in a way so that there's other people reaching out to let her know that she's supported and cared about.

Even though depression is a mental illness and is only diagnosed by a professional, from my perspective it doesn't really matter if there's a diagnosis because the symptoms are there and you don't need a diagnosis to reach out or get some help and support.

As for what you can do, you could potentially try to help - given that she's comfortable with letters maybe this could be something you could do as well; at least then she can take the time to read it. If you know her friends or have mutual friends you could talk to them too. You could also potentially bring it up with the school counsellor student support if you have one - just by expressing general concern but not needing to disclose any specifics, as that way they can maybe look out for her. Of course even with all of this there is always the potential of being pushed away more which I know is not ideal, but then you know that you've tried. Even though you've been hurt, if you can still try and stay open to communication I think it would help.

[Tom43]

Thank you romantic_thi3f for your reply, it helps.

It really has been a rough time. She was my best friend, my person to go to, we got on so well and I find it a shame things went the way they did for seamingly no reason. In the last year, I've had two medical scares that caused me a lot of anxiety and she gave me comfort. When she started to close me out, it really drained me, I'd get home from seeing her and I wanted to isolate myself, I'd snap at my parents and lost my appetite. Since the break up, I found it very hard to come to terms with, she won't talk properly to me still but is fine to everyone else which really hurts after we were so close.

I'm not sure either. She discovered her asexuality about two years ago, but only recently confirmed being aromantic towards the end of our relationship, though she does believe she did once have some romantic feelings, she says as we got closer, the friendship became more prominent, which I feel is normal? Now it seems we have nothing. I know she needs time for self reflection, but we are in the same uni course and we have to see eachother - it's really painful to see her act normal around others but then be so cold and distant to me, as if everything is my fault. I really miss her, but she says she doesn't miss people or get attached. She has always shown some odd social traits, not picking up cues and she has gone through periods of shutting herself off, being quite introverted.

The party was for a friend of mine and they noticed her behaviour in general and towards me, however a week before we went to a friend of her's party and we got along fine. She does have one very close friend other than me, I never got to know them though and she is close to her sister, though I'm not sure if it's a good idea to approach her. She's never had a big social circle, but we share a few friends and aquaintences in our course, who aren't as close and we have a tutor. I have asked them if they have noticed and they agree she seems different to her usual self and the tutor has tried talking to her about managing her stress.

I have written a draft letter, though it still needs work to possibly send to her. It covers my views of the break up, my concern for her wellbeing and trying to establish a healthy way to let her have space that doesn't feel like warfare, while being in eachothers presence. I'm not sure if this is the way to go or what to cover. I know this could push her away further, but as you say, I've tried.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Tom43,

Thanks for your post. It's tough, and I really feel for you. I think that it's so much harder because right now there's not a lot that you can control. What she does; how she feels; the fact she withdraws; none of that is in your control which means that whether or not she reaches out for help is up to her and her alone.

I think the best outcome is to know and walk away from the relationship knowing that you've tried. I feel like you've been really patient and supportive; and I think others in your situation wouldn't have shown as much compassion as you have. I think it would be easy to let hurt consume you and shut off from what she's feeling and how she's coping, so that shows me how selfless you are.

I'm not sure either about what to write in the letter, but I don't think there's any right or wrong way to go about it. No matter what you do (and I'm brainstorming big) there will always be the chance of it backfiring or not helping. But you know now that you've gone all in and given it the best shot that you could.

I am glad though that she does have a few contacts looking out for her, especially her tutor. I genuinely hope that knowing this allows you to try to move through and past the relationship and try to not let it affect your life now. Can I ask how you're coping now? It sound's like it's been really rough for you not just emotionally but physically, in the loss of appetite and snapping at your parents. Is this still happening? Even though your ex was the priority (and title) of the post, you have to come first.

[Tom43]

Your words are very supportive,

I am coming to terms that there is nothing I can do. I have done everything I could and she doesn't want to know me still. As sad as it is, and I don't mean to sound insensitive, but if this type of just shutting down were to occur regularly, a relationship is not the best with this person. I have started thinking long term and I shudder what would happen if kids or other responsibilities were involved.

For now, I am walking away from the situation or trying to. I am doing ok when I am away from her, but because we are in uni together I still have to see her a fair bit. This kind of jolts my feelings back to missing her and reminds me of what we had. I've tried to be friendly and light with her once or twice in an attempt to not be ignoring each other but she just replies with one word answers. I am still utterly confused as to what happened, I myself am very loyal to all my friends and partners and I could never just shut someone out. When she began to act distant, I stuck by her, I did this because I believed what we had was so special, she was the closest friend I've ever had and I loved her unconditionally so I hung on believing we would pull through and be happy again, because it couldn't have just been replaced with someone else. Last time I spoke to her, I asked "What happened, we used to get on so well?" and she just shrugged and said "That's life." The fact she has seemingly so easily cut me out, acting so cold and careless, really hurts and I am kind of angry. I have been walked over a fair bit in my life, so I tend not to be trusting of people to protect myself from being hurt. It doesn't mean I am impolite, I just don't open up immediately which doesn't seem unhealthy, she knew of this and assured me I could trust her, then a week later she switched. Even so, I find it hard to hold grudges against people I care about.

I decided not to send the letter as any involvement is just going to continue adding me into the mix of what she is going through and probably isn't good for my wellbeing either. As you say, for now I need to focus on myself and being happy again, hanging out with friends and doing lots, it really helps and I am coping well, I am feeling happy and secure more often than not. Every now and then I feel down and wish I could go and hug her and things were how they were but I know this won't happen. I have got my appetite back and am much calmer at home, pretty much back to my normal self. Thank you

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Tom43,

Thanks for your post.

I'm glad that you're coming to terms with the fact theres' nothing you can do. It sounds like she's really hurt you, and I can understand why you'd be feeling hurt and angry. It seems like it's a kind of a balance between missing her and what you had vs being hurt vs being angry vs thinking about how it's the best thing long term vs your concerns for her. It's quite a tightrope.

I think that you're doing the right thing and I believe over time things will get easier. It's okay to do all these things; you're allowed to be hurt and angry and miss her and what you had. They don't have to be either or. As much as they seem like opposites, they can co-exist. What you had was special. Just because she cut you out doesn't change it. It sounds like you had good memories with her, so hold onto them for what they are. What you felt and what she felt was very real - even if she doesn't feel that way anymore.

I also wanted to say that in your post you said that you don't open up immediately which doesn't seem to be healthy. From the way I see it there's nothing unhealthy about that. It's okay to take time to open up - I do too. I actually think this is a good thing so that when you do feel comfortable opening up, you can really allow yourself to be vulnerable knowing that it's a safe space.

Finally - I'm really glad that you're coping well and feeling happy and got your appetite back. You have to come first. and I'm so so glad I was able to help.

[Tom43]

Thank you so much for your words. I hope I'm not pushing with this reply, but I am stuck on one thing. Her reason for the break up was she felt her feelings didn't go as deep as mine, but went into feeling more platonic (honeymoon phase?), to nothing, coldly pushing me away. She was aromantic and couldn't feel romance, but also showed signs of depression and heavy stress. I am confused writing this, as I didn't get specific closure, she didn't know either I suppose. She didn't want to lose my friendship as I was important, but is now indifferent, treating me like a stranger or nasty if I've tried to talk. I am stuck because I don't get how you can treat someone that way so suddenly without reason, I don't understand. For the first 8 months, I was the only person she felt she could tell anything and be completely comfortable around, I said the right things to calm her, I felt I was valuable to her in some way, things were good and mutual. Suddenly her trust for me disappeared, she stopped wanting to talk, affection, no time for me. This happened after I spoke to her about being inclusive of me in her future trips and plans, I wanted the relationship to be going somewhere which ended in us agreeing to spend more time together, but she says that isn't it. She doesn't have feeling, and everything she did was pretend to make me happy? This doesn't particularly add up, because she always wanted to talk, she always said she loved my hugs and cuddles, it's as if she had a complete personality switch and wants to be left alone. I don't think I changed, I went through periods of stress due to some medical issues, but never took this out on her, she provided comfort. By the end, it seemed she couldn't care less about me, and barely herself. As we go to Uni together, pre-split, she would still ask me for lifts and favours. The car was filled with tension and silence, talking was shut down, we would often run late from her over sleeping, she refused to eat. She wasn't how I knew her. Sorry this has turned into a vent of confusion and hurt. It was my first relationship, I loved and trusted her.

You are right that I am feeling those. I miss her, yet angry and hurt as I feel fooled, she acts ok to others like losing me had no impact, yet the things I hear/behaviour worry me, still I know if this 'phase' was a cycle, I'm better off moving on. I wish none of this happened, the beginning was so good if only that continued. I will always have my memories of the good times.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Tom43,

Thanks for your post.

Sorry for the late reply! First - just wanted to say that you're not pushing it and it's okay to vent. This is exactly what the forums are here for. What good would it be if you couldn't talk about what was going on for you?

I think that you have every right to be confused and hurt. I would be too. Ever since you first posted I was trying to imagine what it would have been like for you and I pictured myself as being very frustrated, confused, alone and hurt. Sadly we can't really wash away the feelings so we just have to push through them head on and 'ride them out' so to speak. I hope that posting here has been really helpful for you.

I'm not sure how this managed to switch for her as it really does seem like it was very sudden and out of the blue. But I do think that a lot of the way she spoke to you and shut off from you was maybe her best way of coping at the time. It's easy to say that I 'pretended to make you happy' but there was no gain for that, and it doesn't even make sense. So I'm guessing that a lot of what she said and how she acted was a bit of a defence because it was too hard to process. I think we could look at it all day and why it happened the way it did but it could just consume us. Closure sadly isn't always clear cut.

I understand that you wish none of this happened, but I truly believe that you will become stronger and better from it. Even with the worst relationships people find ways to be resilient after them. This wasn't a great relationship and I hear that there's an awful lot of hurt, but there were good times. Those were very real. At the very least, please allow yourself to feel whatever you need to. You're allowed to be angry and mad and sad and all those things. You should be - they're feelings that deserve to be felt.

[Tom43]

Thank you romantic_thi3f.

It is great to vent to someone who understands, there is no urgency to reply, others are going through worse struggles. Friends and family have been great helping, but also say by how she treated me, to forget about her. If only it was that easy, but after knowing she changed completely from a sweet, caring person to someone so different, it's hard not to wonder and be confused about what happened especially after being a big part of eachothers lifes. I suppose that's what leads to hurt, someone is utterly important and close, yet for no particular reason you are cut out. It does make you wonder where you stood. I saw her last week at our final exhibition where I stayed away, but she smiled at me. After our breakup, she said she didn't like affection but was hugging all her friends in front of me. Her parents also came up and started talking to me as if nothing had happened, not sure what's going on there.

I have a month where I don't have to see her (she's overseas) and I am getting stronger and recovering. My self esteem is rising, I am getting there. I know things will get better, and what is meant to be will be.

On reflection, the relationship was good with not many issues, I had to suggest most things though. Our friends and family would often comment on how cute we were as a couple. I remember at work, she would know what time my break was and messaged me, then would wish a safe trip home. I'd get texts about her day. We went on adventures and discovered places together, while she would dance and sing to the radio. She'd answer the door and give me a hug and kiss on the cheek. She would giggle at the little dumb things I do. Our last proper date before uni went back and the change, we had an amazing time and it felt right. I know it's cyclical to keep repeating this, maybe because of shock, but she completely changed! Mutual friends say it could be her being jealous of me doing better than her, or fear to commit from moving location so much growing up, stress, I know her mother gets depressed too. During February, I was beginning to lose that 'romantic' rush, however I loved her so much, we were getting closer than ever and had no desire for anything different, this to me is what love is and it was strong. I believe she may have felt the same, but the loss of initial romance made her freak out thinking it was be all and end all. She admitted that we were a great match following the split and wished it could be different.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Tom43,

Thanks for your post.

Just so you know you're on the top of my list to reply to! I always hit the 'my threads' button first, so that the people I've been talking to I can respond to first if they would like me too. Even though people are struggling in different ways, it doesn't get prioritised here.

I can hear there's still a lot of shock and confusion still, and can understand that you're still processing why this might have happened and how it's happened so quickly. I don't think that this would be easy to overcome as it does seem like you did have a good relationship with her for the most part. It's great that you guys had those memories together.

What do you think would be helpful for you to move forwards with this? It sounds like her being literally out of sight (overseas) is helping you a lot and I'm really glad to hear that your self-esteem is rising back up. What does that look like for you?

What are the other things that you enjoy and that can occupy your time?

I feel like sometimes with breakups there can be a really delicate balance between finding that closure and accepting what's happened is over and being able to move forwards. It's tricky because you weren't able to get that closure but sometimes it can be unhelpful reflecting on it when it's not giving you any more insight. I'm just throwing this out there - I'm not sure how it feels for you still writing this; or how much of your day is occupied with these thoughts of the relationship you had.