Really struggling in the past year or so.

[tjStrikk]

Got a few separate topics to discuss as well as adding more context, so pause your replies for a bit sorry. I can only fit the first topic here.

Anyway, the last year or so has been really very stressful for my parents (I'm 16), and although there's always been something out of our control that comes in and ruins the day for years, lately it's escalated massively. We all see the light at the end of this tunnel of stress and hardship (financially and otherwise) but that doesn't make it significantly easier to cope in the present. I'm walking on eggshells whenever I'm around my parents, so that's pretty much all day every day since I'm enrolled in Distance learning. School (actual "go to school" school) used to be my escape, and every day I'd come home to someone on the phone yelling at the ISP, real estate agent, workplace, etc. For the past two years I haven't had that escape, I've just been at home all the time. I didn't keep in touch with my friends from my old school because although they were friends at school, I never saw myself doing anything with them outside of school y'know? Just those sort of people. It's just such a tense atmosphere at home, and the days where my parents are out for a few hours are the happiest and most productive regarding exercise, schoolwork and other studying/learning. They're at 99% capacity 24/7 and I hate what they go through, especially my dad, because he has to see a physio for the issues it causes physically. I struggle to work in this environment, as does my dad who's building a website and about to launch it, but every time I tell them I'm falling behind, they explode. Not so much going off at me, but it's the one thing that makes the stress levels hit 100%. It just becomes one thing too much. So I hide it, and I fall behind, try to catch up before the teachers contact them, but that never works and then it's the fact that I lied to them. They think that if I really cared about reducing the stress I'd just do the work, and that should be my incentive. (I've always struggled with finding motivation with school work, but without friends and a calm environment, I struggle so much more) I only try to hide it because, from past experience, every time they find out, regardless if I tell or the teachers do, it becomes too much to handle. (so many commas wow this has really infected me ._.) The way my parents are right now is completely justified, so I'm not mad at them in that regard, I just can't deal with it much longer.

[tjStrikk]

I always used to be good at school when I went to school, but now that I'm at home, I've lost motivation (well...lost motivation in general) and found it really hard to concentrate because of not only that but also the reasons mentioned in the original post. I never had to try at school, and was always running on 20-30% capacity, never scoring below an 80% over all my time there. I was bored and was only there to get my daily fix of socialising and of course getting away from stress. School was to me like the mountain bike park was for every other child. I was heavily sheltered when I was younger, and that was justified, so in all honesty school was bloody awesome in my eyes. I could be myself, say what I wanted and take risks without my parents' panic and worry. I don't have that anymore. I went through a few months of panic attacks from death anxiety near the the start of the year, but I didn't tell my parents the cause of that, and I'm happy that I've found a perspective that helps me deal with that, but that among other things have made it hard for me to get my work done, and find the drive to sit down and get it over with.

I understand where the sheltering came from. I was very sensitive growing up, easily affected by insults, anything scary or violent. I also had injuries that meant I could barely lift a tissue out of a tissue box. I appreciate having parents like this when I was younger but now it's kind of frustrating. It's just caring, and I appreciate it, but this on top of having so much done for me, makes me feel completely inept and dependent. My mum is much more lenient when it comes to these things, so I guess it's more my dad in this case. The typical response is "well sorry for caring, all I do is care care care and I get shut down every time." I feel so bad for again, annoying them when they really need everything but that, but I'm just losing the tolerance that I used to have when I was 13-14. I'm biting my tongue so much it's ridiculous, holding back things like "I'll get it if I feel like it" "I know, you've mentioned it 8 times this week" and other similar thoughts. "I love them, but..." is a good way to describe my feelings. I hate coming across as ungrateful, because I'm not. I know that anyone in my situation, given enough time, would grow to be slightly frustrated with this. Due to the situation I just can't have them dealing with me too right now.

[tjStrikk]

And the last bit. I was mentally bedridden around June-September last year for really no reason. I was and am however, really good at snapping out of it and hiding it. It (the bad feeling) was just always knocking on my door, waiting for all the distractions and people to leave before barging into my mind. Things weren't even stressful back then, at least compared to now, but I did have a bit more going on in my own mind at that time. I lose interest in everything from time to time even still, and find that I do have weeks of not doing much apart from bed > fridge > act like I'm working furiously > fridge > bed. I stop exercising, eating healthy and sleeping well, the sleep being because I try to keep working on the work, but I sacrifice a good 3-4 hrs of sleepy time for so little progress on the task, which then sets me up horribly for the next day. I end up and am still mentally slow, forgetful and am always tired, which causes me to not exercise, and it all goes downhill from there. I pulled myself out of a worse version of this before, but this time, the situation isn't worse, I just feel less capable of lifting myself out of it.

I remember reading that without a reason to do so, having motivation and drive to do said task (school) is practically impossible. I desperately need to find a big reason, not just a little one like reducing stress, because I'm not getting through years 11-12 otherwise. My coach and many others involved in junior golf are confident I will be successful, and I have been for a while, and apart from having that safety net of having finished school, I need to find another reason to keep trying. I end up just looking to the future, but I want to enjoy the now, or at least make it easier for myself.

I really don't care if I don't get any help, however I'll be grateful for any views I could adopt or advice that could be thrown my way. This is more of a "get this off my chest because I can't tell anyone else this, at least to this extent" type thing. Sorry for it being so massive,but I can't get it much shorter without cutting out bits that help explain the situation.

Thanks for sitting through it, and sorry if half of it doesn't make sense. I kinda just poured my thoughts onto a keyboard and this was the result.

-tjStrikk

[okadoka]

Hi tjStrikk,

You are going through very stressful situation. It's good that you shared this with us here.

Have you thought of talking about this with your school counsellor?

You pulled yourself out of a situation worse than this before, means you really have the capability to come out of this one too. May be think of how you solved your problem last time.

You can meditate and listen to music to reduce your stress. Don't worry about year 11-12 as problems are never permanent. You will get through it.

[tjStrikk]

I have considered it, and one of the teachers I have is actually on the Wellbeing team (they serve 3000 students throughout Victoria) so I'm at least already on good terms there haha. But again my worry is that if they think it's necessary to contact my parents, which is exactly what I would like to avoid, all I do is put another log of stress on the fire they're both trying to put out.

I would do so in a few months, earliest, just so things could ease up a bit and I could not worry about them being involved. I almost got there after 3 years, but yeah nah couldn't wait, nor can I take the risk right now. My parents know I'm having trouble being motivated and have trouble concentrating at the moment, but I'd like to leave the in-depth explanations a little longer. Hope that makes sense.

[okadoka]

Yes. Though you can explain the teacher/ counsellor that you don't want them to contact your parents in this regard by explaining the situation. I'm sure they will understand and provide you assistance while keeping things easy and private for you.

[tjStrikk]

Yeah true, hopefully. Thanks.