Going through this alone

[Mollyleah]

Hello, I'm new to this so I'm not sure how to start this. 

Around 9 months ago I was sexually assaulted, and I didn't tell anyone around me what happened. I still have no idea what to do, I try my hardest to go to work and pretend to be happy at home. But its really exhausting. I havent been sleeping much because I have nightmares when i do. They are really horrifying i wake up and i cant move. When I'm awake I feel nervous, and try to stay away from everyone. I hate feeling alone but I don't want to be around anyone. I'm to scared to talk about what happened because it's so embarrassing and horrible to talk about and I hate admitting that it happened. I was angry for so long, but now I'm just sad and confused and tired. I don't want to go to work any more or do anything with friends or family. I really don't want to feel scared any more, I have changed so much and i hate myself so much. I want to be happy again, but I have no idea how to start. So does anyone have any tips on dealing with these types of things on your own? 

[BenD]

Hi Mollyleah,

I have experienced serious trauma before but I have no experience with what you have been through, it sounds horrifying. Do you have anyone close and that you trust to talk about it with? If you are struggling to think of that person, then please see a counsellor. They have an online chat version right here on beyond blue (you speak to a real person). It sounds like you've been tremendously strong in dealing with it by yourself, but do what you've done here and tell someone about it. A burden shared is a burden halved.

Ben

[Doolhof]

Dear Mollyleah,

Please don't take on the blame for what has happened to you. Sexual assault is a dreadful, invasive, traumatising and a disgusting occurrence to have to live with. I know from my own experience of it that you can feel very dirty, alone, confused, guilty and so many other emotions as well.

I'd like to encourage you to seek some professional help for this. Do you have a Dr you trust to be able to talk to about this and ask him or her for assistance with finding the right people to assist you with this trauma.

I've had a quick look in the phone book and there are various people who will be able to help you. You could call National Sexual Assault Counselling service on 1800 737 732  Lifeline 13 11 14  Beyond Blue 1300 224 636 . These services will be able to help you.

Writing as you did about your trauma is a good thing too. Please continue to share your story here when ever your need to, as Ben wrote "a burden shared is a burden halved. "

I do so hope you are able to seek help and advice and move onto some kind of recovery. Thinking of you with best wishes and hoping you will receive the care you need. Please let us know how you get on. From Dools.

[geoff]

dear Mollyleah, it takes an enormous effort for you to have the courage to post your comment, and this is maybe the first time you have done so, that doesn't matter, so I truly want to thank you for being able to trust us.

This terrible, appalling and really disgusting event that was forced upon you is a nightmare and that any girl would ever want to ever happen to them.

I really makes me so angry that a creep, whether you knew them or not, to force himself onto you by his strength, and they should be reported, but at the moment you are too delicate to do so.

Dools and Ben D have given you some important contact numbers, but I feel that at the moment you are too ashamed and embarrassed to want to talk about it, I understand this totally, because you won't be able to tell these people much as you will burst into tears, and why wouldn't you, but you can try, however there are some other options hich maybe easier for you to handle presently.

Firstly we don't know who you are or what you look like, so your just a name and that's why it would be more beneficial to keep coming back to and talking with us here on this site, this will eventually build up your confidence in being able to discuss this event.

We are only caring and supportive people on this site, as all of us have been to hell and back several times, and there have been many girls/ladies who have had to endue what you have been through, and they feel no different to the devastation and anguish that you are suffering from.

I'm not going to go any further than this at the moment, because I just want to build your confidence up, so please I urge you to get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Mollyleah]

Thank you for the reply BenD.  Everyone has been so supportive and understanding. I really do want to look into talking to someone about what happened. I just have this big fear of feeling even more embarrassed and hurt talking about it then I already do. It's really encouraging to hear that it will be more helpful to talk to someone though, as you said a burden shared is a burden halved. I hope talking about the trauma you've been through has helped you move on a little bit. Thanks again for your reply 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Mollyleah,

I would like to share with you something that really helped me recently. I didn't quite feel like I could talk person to person with someone either about a situation, so I first tried out the Web Chat option at the top of this page, where you can "Talk" with a councillor just like an email. It helped me to then progress on and talk with a person over the phone. I am now organising psychologists appointments for myself.

I'd really like to encourage you to communicate with a professional some how, so you can start to feel better about yourself and have your hurts felt, understood and then to heal.

If you don't happen to "connect" or feel comfortable with a person you are talking with, then try again with another person. You may feel very emotional and embarrassed to start with, but please push through that. The person you are talking with should have a vast experience of dealing with other people's problems/traumas and awful situations.

Wishing you the strength you need to seek help and support. Every one here will be willing to keep caring for you too.   From Dools.

[Mollyleah]

Hi Doors,   thank you so much for your replies. It's really nice of you to suggest those ideas. I find that the hard part will be the next step after talking to someone online. I'm not a very confident person, and I've always been very quiet and to myself, so I guess that I'm finding it really hard to make myself talk to someone over the phone or face to face about what's been happening.  I do find it really encouraging that you've been able to for yourself though. I hope that it helps you a lot and wish you the best for the future. Thank you again 🙂

[Mollyleah]

Thank you for the reply Geoff. It's really comforting to know that there are such supportive and nice people out there to talk to. You are really understanding, so I really appreciate that. You said a lot of things that are true and I know that I have had doubts about talking to people because I felt like I had done the wrong thing from the start by the way I dealt with everything. Thank you again for your reply Geoff 🙂 

[Doolhof]

Dear Mollyleah,

Hi. I do so hope you are able to take one step at a time and contact someone online to "chat" with. For now, that may seem like a huge step for you, and you may need to do that more than once before you feel confident to progress to actually talking to someone over the phone or in person.

My hope for you, is that by reaching out and getting assistance now, you will feel more confident about dealing with and finding help with other problems in your future. The issue you are having to handle right now is huge, and I feel that you are very brave to be able to reach out to us here at BB asking for help and advice. You have made huge steps already in seeking help.

I thank you for your kind wishes for my life and future. I'd like to encourage you to try the chat line, you can always sign off at anytime you feel too overwhelmed.

Here's wishing you courage, strength and all the self -acceptance you need to do this. You deserve to be helped and assisted.

Cheers for now, from Dools.