First Hello from a high schooler

[TourmalineSpectacles]

Hello there, hope you are well

I am TourmalineSpectacles (or just Specs for short). Gender is male/ queer and pronouns are he/him. Had not seen professional help as of yet. Atrocious sleep patterns.

To be honest, I have been considering joining these forums and/or seeking help for quite a while... maybe since 7th grade. I suppose I am here to find some support as I cannot rely on family due to having a bad relationship with them and i am not completely comfortable with sharing some of my problems with friends, knowing that they too are going through the high school and have their own hardships to face. This seems like a very safe, supportive and lovely community so it is important for me to try.

So... problems-I have many. My home, school and social life all prove to be stressful. Being a person that wishes to have a masculine or androgynous representation, I struggle to fit in with my environment. I go to a 'girl school' and have a very feminine first name in the official records. There I am forced into an image of femininity due to the uniform and peers that do not know of my preferred name and pronouns. I feel extremely stressed whenever I am referred to by unfamiliar peers, not knowing when and how to explain who I am or if I should at all (which I know is irrational as the school is supportive of the LGBT+ community). Also, at the domestic scene, I feel rejected as I have very close-minded guardians that only believe in the cis gender binary identity. Among friends, the gender identity is much more accepted (which I am very thankful for), however, I still often get plagued by thoughts like 'no one truly believes I'm a guy'. It is one of the many reasons why I often experience hopelessness and the thinking I am worthless.

Another main concern are friends. I am unable to say what I think a lot of the time because I am always thinking of consequences and the negative usually overrule the positives. Furthermore, my closest friends may be suffering from mental health issues and have suicidal thoughts and I worry for them. I know for sure that one of my best friends has depression and have seen professional help, and is prone to feeling really bad about themselves. A significant reason for coming here is to find out how to help them.

Despite my shy nature, I would love for anyone to talk to me, share experiences or offer advice, so please do : )

Thanks for anyone who reads this

[TourmalineSpectacles]

Hello there Dan,

Thank you for replying, it sounds like things were quite tough for the minorities during your adolescence. In my household, I too have been incorrectly categorized as a 'tomboy' multiple times, and told to change my behaviour.

If you don't mind me asking, did you face any problems as a gay man growing up? I am intrigued by your personal story, I'm sorry about the state of homelessness you had at a point in your life, do you mind sharing what happened?

And yes, I am very fortunate to have the internet to aid me in my self-discovery and understanding. So far, Beyond Blue had a major help to me.

Have a good day,

Specs

[Just Sara]

Hey again Specs; welcome back!

Thanks so much for responding to us [3] individually. I've enjoyed reading thru your words and look forward to more when you're up to it.

I think now might be a good time to ask questions ok? When you talk about acceptance by your friends, have you found comfortable acceptance within yourself? The reason I ask, is that you're going to be this person inside for the rest of your life. I also acknowledge that assessing others' responses to you is a form of safety.

I'm so impressed with your form of communication; you seem very astute, mature and intelligent for one so young. 🙂

I'll leave things here as it's late and I have much to do. Have a great weekend hun!

Sara xo

[Raynor]

Hey specs,

Thanks for your reply. Glad you're still here.

My experience re others' acceptance has been mixed. First off, I didn't come out in high school - hat's off to you for that. I came out as lesbian in my late teens and as trans only in the last couple of years. Everyone knows now except my parents. For me, the worst reactions to my transness have actually come from lesbian friends and acquaintances, which is sad.

A lot of people's reactions have initially been similar to what you describe, especially those who have never known or been close to an openly-trans person before. I figure they want to be accepting but it's still strange to them - just because it's not a way of being that's really out there in the media or whatever, so if you don't personally know someone or aren't trans yourself, then it's going to be foreign at first. So I'm fine with that reaction at first. But if the person doesn't move past that over time, then we tend to drift apart.

It's really helped me to meet other trans folk. Have you been able to do that?

peace, Rayne

[TourmalineSpectacles]

Hello Sara, how has your day been?

No, thank you all, responding has been a pleasure : )

And yes, questions are very welcome. Hmm... acceptance of oneself... I want to believe that I have simply accepted that I am someone very much queer. However, there is still a small, peculiar internal conflict in the back of my mind about what exactly I am comfortable with at specific times, sometimes I prefer distance from any notions of gender, other times I sit on a spectrum. Perhaps my comfort zone is where there is a little room for gender fluidity.

I'm sure I am not quite as eloquent as many others, but thank you for the compliments.

Hope this week will be good for you,

Specs

[TourmalineSpectacles]

Hi Raynor,

I'm surprised to hear that even the LGBT+ community is segregated in some aspects. Would of thought that people would be more accepting of each other because of mutual understandings of being a minority group. And I agree, it is indeed a sad moment to not have your identity embraced by friends. Do you think back about their reactions much?

The concept of meeting people that are also going through such difficulties, seems like a good idea as being able to relate reduces the sense of isolation. The only transgender person I know of personally is my cousin's girlfriend, a woman of trans experience. Although I got along with her fine, we do not share the same environment, being half a globe away. I wished I had taken the initiative to speak to her on these topics, when she had visited with my cousin. So far, I have not met any other transgender or gender queer people besides her.

Have a good night,

Specs

[Just Sara]

Hi Specs;

I'm really sorry your thread and posts slipped under my radar. It's been a hectic week with lots going on. I do apologise.

You've expressed your comfort zone really well. Kudos! Gender fluidity is accepted and spoken about readily these days as our western culture continues to 'blend' gender roles and social standards.

Career paths for young people now offer a 'no-holds-barred' gender approach, so kids have options once considered taboo. I was given the option of nurse or secretary. Hmm...I did nursing but found it too emotionally charged; even traumatic. I went into hospitality, then the govt sector where I stayed for decades. I'm retired now.

Getting back to your first post, your friend with depression seems in good hands with medical/psych support. Your role in their life as a friend, would be to listen, encourage and offer a shoulder to cry on. (And someone to laugh with!) This I know will surely be appreciated; a gift actually.

When she asks for advice, it's better to direct her to those that have the expertise to deal with such things. Then assure her she's acknowledged, heard and validated by you. This in itself is 'enough'.

Our voice is our power, so allowing people to speak up has amazing results; sometimes that's all we need. This includes you Specs, finding an outlet to voice your confusion, frustration and fear is essential for balance. A counsellor or psych might just be a cleansing experience. 🙂

Writing on here is always a bonus, this goes without saying. However, face to face communication can't be compared. I'm positive your beautiful qualities will shine thru, so please consider this advice.

Sending warm hugs your way;

Sez x

[TourmalineSpectacles]

Good afternoon Sara,

I'm afraid simply being someone's friend is not enough to help someone completely, but I agree that it is important for all those precious people to know that they are cared for and not alone. Although some of my friends have received help in the professional sense, there is still quite a few things that feel not quite right. Perhaps, it will be up to persistence in communication.

Ah, and a update on the recent events on my side: bombarded with exams but I try to make time for social outings and interactions as it is both enjoyable and I see it as mutually beneficial. Regarding the concept of a counselor, I have been introduced to the school one by my year coordinator (a lovely woman, by the way). So far, so good. The school counselor and I have only had met once and plan to have sessions once the exams are over. It has been a fairly positive experience for me as she had been patient and understanding, even if I was unable to explain things to the fullest potential. I'm glad that I have not left this for later as I had intended.

Thank you for all the chats and pep talks, Sara

Have a fantastic weekend,

-Specs

[Raynor]

Hey specs, yeah I think the divisions in the community are weakening but it can't happen soon enough as far as I'm concerned. There are enough gatekeepers and gender/sexuality police for us to deal with out there in the world, without having it within our communities as well.

I know an online community with young trans people in it that I would really recommend if you want to meet others, but I'm not sure if it's in the rules to post links here. Sara, do you know?

Rayne