Feeling Unmotivated, Ugly and Lonely

[AlyshaLA]

Have you ever had that feeling like you're never enough?

No matter what I do, I always feel like less than what I want and what everyone else expects me to be.

I've been struggling with eating, exercise and everything I usually do normally. Now I feel like I constantly eat junk foods and neglect exercising all at once. I feel very disgusting and that everyone else around has a better life than I do. Which is probably not true because I know everyone has their own problems. But sometimes, I just get tired of trying to impress myself till the point I just neglect everything and give up. I stay in bed all day doing nothing in some days.

I used to suffer from anorexia a few years ago. Body image was a very sensitive issue for me, I always wanted to look fit and skinny. However now, I eat very much and too much of the wrong things making me very conscious of my body and weight. I always feel ugly, no matter how many times I try to fix it by incorporating a "healthy lifestyle", I would always fail and go back to the start, depressed and unmotivated. I don't know why, but I really hate myself and I don't know what to do to be able to fix that issue.

People always told me happiness is a choice or you are very beautiful inside and out and all those other sentimental words, but my mind choses not to believe it because I have such strong hatred towards my body and my image. I can't help but always feeling lonely and unable to pick myself up. There has been times where I just want to give up trying because there seems to be no way out of this vicious cycle.

I'm not sure what I should do... and I hope anyone could help me.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi AlyshaLA,

Have you ever had that feeling like you're never enough?

No matter what I do, I always feel like less than what I want and what everyone else expects me to be.

I hear you...

Yes, absolutely. Like you and countless others here, I've also struggled with feelings of inadequacy and as though I'm a disappointment. I can empathise with you you and understand it can be overwhelming...

Power to you for treating (presumably- correct me if I'm wrong) your anorexia a few years ago. Anorexia is such a complex illness and re-feeding is a brutal process.

I know that sometimes even if the physical symptoms abate, the vicious, self loathing anorexia voice often still remains...or even remnants of it. I wonder if this is the case for you as it could also be feeding into your sense of self loathing...

I think sometimes people go the other extreme in terms of eating when the physical symptoms of anorexia have abated; that's partly your body trying to "compensate" if that makes sense. I'm guessing you already know this but as they say, food is merely the symptom of a deeper issue regardless of whether it is anorexia (or eating lots of junk food as you are now).

So unless the core issues have been addressed, food issues tend to remain as a coping mechanism. I'm guessing there's something else going on/a deeper wound. Maybe it's not being enough/maybe it's something else...people don't feel not enough for no reason; I'm guessing there's a deeper wound that drives that feeling...

It must be hard to hear all these wonderful words of happiness and beauty but to have none of them sink in. Like a stranger looking in from the outside...but I suppose unless the cause/roots of your self loathing are addressed, I'm guessing it's going to be difficult to find the happiness and self love you seek.

But hey, you're writing here and sharing your story. You clearly want to find new ways of coping and learn to be kinder to yourself. That's already a fantastic staff. Baby steps as is often said....

Hang in there.

Sending Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

*fantastic start (not "stuff")

[AlyshaLA]

I can make sense of what you said and maybe you're right, there might be a deeper issue and I feel like I might know what it is. But because of my current mindset of "self hatred", I just can't seem to solve it, if that makes sense. So, I feel lost almost all the time.

Regardless, it's very sweet of you for helping me out! I've tried to get help for quite some time and but never really made any significant progress. Then the "voices" start telling me that it's hopeless or it's selfish if you ask for help or if you tell people you're problems you become vulnerable, something like that.

I don't have a lot to say, but thank you very much for this. It's very comforting to have someone understand your situation.

[swtpotato]

Hi AlyshaLA,

Pepper has already given a great response, but you can never have too much help. Even if it as simple as knowing that many people have felt these things too, are struggling, and have been able to get through it.

You said you have tried to get help for some time? Could you let us know what this was?

How long have you had these intrusive negative thoughts? I find that when it happens to me, I feel like I always feel that bad, and forget all the successes I have had in the past.

I am sorry you are struggling with this atm, it is so hard to shake! People tell you that the thoughts are obviously not true, but how can you have the logic and clarity to see through that when you are so foggy? Do you feel like you are feeling extra bad/ashamed because you feel this way about yourself and can't stop? I think knowing that it is okay to feel like this, and many other people struggle with it too may help you with accepting that it is happening.

Do you think that what is driving these bad habits is thinking that you can either commit to a healthy lifestyle, or you can give up and not care (from my own experience). Starting slowly and counting even the smallest successes can help for e.g. talking to one friend about it (even if it goes badly or makes you uncomfortable), cooking one nice meal or snack, doing 5 mins of stretching, 5 mins of mindfulness etc. Maybe just start with one goal a day?

This way you frame your current state as a neutral baseline, and the goals as a positive step to feel good about something (even the smallest amount of good, even if it is feeling bad but less bad).

I know it is hard, but I also know no matter how bad things get, they can always get better.

Em

[AlyshaLA]

You're right, I really do need as much help as I can get even though I try not to. The negative part of me always says that asking for help is a sign of "weakness" and that it's "useless" because no one will understand, which obviously is not true.

And yes, I have asked for help many times. During my anorexia, my family found out and I had professional medications, however, it didn't really "fix me" completely yet just turned it into this problem I have currently. The basis of my issues are mainly the fact that I hate the way I look and never feel satisfied. The problem I have now I've never really spoken to a lot of people about it, just some close friends. However, they never seem to get what I'm trying to say, and they always give the same response like "look a the bright side" or "what do you mean, you look so healthy, just be happy".

I've had those negative thoughts as far back as I can remember... they used to be innocent, as in the typical, small judgment you give to yourself, but as I grew it became worst till the point I would actually breakdown crying because what my mind is telling me about my looks and my body. It's a terrible feeling.

Regarding the bad habits, yes, sometimes I do feel that way. It's hard for me to explain, but here's the thing: I don't like the way my body looks and because of that, I set a goal for myself to exercise and eat healthy so I would obtain the body I will like. But then, sometimes, eating healthy and exercising makes me sad because I feel like I am forcing my body to do things I don't want to do... If I eat healthy, I restrict food - even if I indulge or rest every once in a while, the feeling of guilt and restriction brings me back to when I had anorexia.

Then the cycle continues. I eat junk and don't exercise, I hate my body. I eat healthy and exercise, I hate the restriction.

I can't explain my problem in one word, but I know its roots are spread everywhere. What caused it is just too much and sometimes I just lose it. I'll honest, there were times when I just wanted to give up... because no one was there for me to talk to and I was stuck with these "voices" in my mind telling me all the bad things about myself.

Thank you for the reply, by the way... I hope you understand what I am trying to say. My story gets complicated, probably why sometimes I don't talk about it.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi AlyshaLA,

You're most welcome 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to write back. It's good to hear from you again. Yeah, I also find that feeling as though others can relate and empathise helps us feel less alone in our struggles...

You can say as much or as little as you like here. I think the most important part is that you feel comfortable with what you do (or don't) share. That's always your call...

I feel the thing that comes across in your most recent post was your harsh inner critic and perhaps even all-or-nothing black and white thinking, which I think is quite common in people who have/had anorexia. I mean, other issues aside, that mentality helps fuel the illness but I'm guessing you probably already know this...

Either the extreme of deprivation or over-indulgence at the other end; it's the same all-or-nothing mentality. I'm not saying it as criticism or judgement but merely trying to express that "I hear you." But regardless of which end you're on food-wise, it seems like the end result is a sense of guilt and inadequacy. As though you can't "win" (so to speak).

It's sad when you try to open up to friends and they don't quite seem to hear you. It hurts when your pain doesn't feel validated or understood. Although it's possible that your friends meant well except they just didn't know how to support you. Regardless of their reasons, it doesn't change how you felt unheard and perhaps invisible. That must have been/is very painful for you.

Anorexia is a vicious illness; the voice ("Anna") is possibly one of its most vicious features. Sadly, as you would know, the anorexia voice defies logic and reasoning and can be very "loud." It can permeate almost every waking hour...haunts you...

But that voice can be challenged with professional help...I'm not sure what help you're receiving/have received. Although perhaps seeing a MH professional (psychologists who specialise in eating disorders would be my suggestion but it's up to you) would be beneficial.

But above all, I just wanted to say that I hear you and I realise how difficult all this must be for you. Also, how lonely and exhausted you must be.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[AlyshaLA]

You couldn't have said it any better, Pepper. What you said, everything is exactly how I feel, I'm really glad you understand and was able to put it in words that even I can't do.

And yes, I've been meaning to seek professional help, but it's difficult because of quite a few reasons. One of them being that my family don't really know of this issue, and I can't really seek professional help without their consent.

As for now, I'm still deciding whether to tell them about what I've been going through or not, because even till now, they're still recovering from the fact that I had anorexia. So it would be very painful for them to know I still have another serious issue to be dealt with. I'm afraid of worrying them.

Right now, online help is what I look for most... such as this one. So I'm hoping there will be more of you or people like you who can help me out 🙂 Thank you.

[swtpotato]

Hey Alysha,

It's good to hear from you. I think I understand where you are coming from. I know it must seem so confusing and complicated, especially when friends or family can't seem to understand what you have been through.

I'm not sure if this is helpful - but I just remember something my psychologist said to me, when I was worried I was completely incurably defected, insane, wrong...that my problems were too big, too complicated - she said she thought things were actually very clear and simple to her. She saw a young woman who had been through a lot, and was having trouble processing everything, but that I will be able to in time. Of course I was scared, sad and lost! How could I not be?

I wonder if you feel like your problems are too big to handle or contain - which may make you hesitate in seeking help ?? (sorry if I have it wrong)

I think it would be very hard and isolating to be going through this around people that have no idea how deeply you hurt, although I am sure they want to help in their own way. But yeah those kinds of comments really really frustrate me personally haha.

Just know that you deserve high quality help. You deserve to be listened to, and to be treated according to your unique situation. And, you deserve being put first - we all think pretty lowly of ourselves a lot of the time and put others feelings first, but from my perspective your mental health is affecting your daily life, and sometimes you want to give everything up, but you are worried about how it will affect your family - what do you think they would think about this?

Anyway --- all that aside. I hope the forums are helpful for you, and I hope to see you around 🙂

Em

[Peppermintbach]

Hi AlyshaLA,

It's always good to hear from you. Yeah, these forums can be great for finding some comfort and support 🙂 Em wrote such a caring, thought provoking post in her latest response.

Aw thanks, I'm glad my words resonated with you. I think that feeling heard and validated is so important.

As for seeking professional help...it can be tough if you require familial consent for it. Tough in the sense of having to consider whether you're mentally prepared to open up to them...

I get what you're saying about not wanting to worry them further. I feel as though you're still beating yourself up and feeling guilty over your original anorexia disclosure/diagnosis to your family; in the sense of not wanting to "put them though it again." That must have been a painful time for you.

I suppose if you think your family would be worried if they knew how much you were struggling, just imagine how much more worried they would be if you delayed help and things worsened. Btw this is more just something for you to think about than anything...

In the mean time, and as I said, I'm glad you're reaching out online 🙂 Online help is great especially the anonymity factor. I hope you continue sharing your story with us...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper