feeling lost

[crabbycat]

Hello. Trying this out to see if maybe someone will see it.

Im an international student and life is pretty hard since being here. Its been lonely but i have some ways to cope with that.

Mainly its what happened before i came here. I started talking to someone back from where Im from and looking back i felt really manipulated. But he said he really liked me but didnt want to be in a long distance relationship. A month before i came to Australia he told me he wanted to stop talking. I found out 3 weeks later he was talking to someone else and while i was drunk i texted him to ask about it. He told me he had serious feelings for her. But the thing is we were on and off for 7 months. How could he be serious about someone else in 3 weeks but dragged me along for 7 months. Then today on accident i saw a picture of him kissing her. It just popped up even though I had already blocked him on the main platforms. I had been doing well the past few weeks but seeing this triggered all the hurt i felt when this first happened.

Reading some of your contributions this seems like a really silly problem in comparison. But i cant help but wonder why he did that to me. What is it about her that I dont have. Why does he deserve to be happy and have found someone but Im still here taking so much time to move on and forget about it. I cant help blaming myself for giving him a chance and in a way letting this happen to me when I finally let my guard down and give someone a chance. How do i stop? How do i feel better? When will i stop spiralling if i happen to see something i dont want to again? 

I feel lost and stagnant and im so scared ill feel like this for a long time. Im afraid ill be stuck in this state or become worse.

Thanks for reading and thanks for being here 🙂 xx

[trying_my_best]

Hi crabbycat! 

Firstly I wanted to start off with absolutely no problem is too small for this forum space! As someone who has minimised their feelings for such situations as yours I wish someone had told me that. 

Secondly, I can’t comment as to why he has strong feelings for another person despite your time together, but I can’t comment most certainly say you are not the problem! As much as it sucks he is just not the person for you, and that is okay! Because you are in another country, where you will have so many new experiences and meet so many new people! But if you still remain lonely please know that is okay! Even domestic students get lonely too! I was wondering if you have reached out to your universities international student supports? I know mine has a whole committee, I wonder if yours has something like that? They will be able to help you further with finding other international students but also connecting you with supports tailored to your situation! It may be a great resource to look into anyway! 

Wishing you the best 🫶

[Daydreamer70]

Hi there, 

Thank you for writing in. First of all I just wanted to say please dont feel llike you have to disclaim anything you put on this forum, your struggles are your own and there is no such thing as a silly problem. I can fully relate to your experience on multiple levels. I have been where you are, studying overseas and at times feeling extremely lonely and lost. Moving to a new plce alone in extremely brave and strong, it takes a resilient kind of person to take this step, I had to remind myself of this a lot when I was away. Although lots of people do it I feel like the experinece is often glamourised, and people don't speak about how lonely it can feel at times. In my experience, finding new people who were fun and interesting made a huge difference in eliviating some of that loneliness. It can feel exhausing in the beginning but I promise it gets easier. Quality people is the cure to loneliness but it can take time to cultivate those connections. Keep persisting!

In terms of the guy you were speaking to, theres a lot of layers to the situations that contribute to the hurt. Again, Ive been in a similar situation where I was left questioning myself and wishing I hadn't let my guard down. Its unfortunate that you've seen these photos of him post breakup, thats the curse with our phones and being constantly connected. You see things that could have been avoided. Remember these feelings are all natural and normal to be experiencing, it means you care. Moving forward with this situation I would say keep him blocked and try to minimise your time spent on socials. Keep yourself busy. Time and healthy distraction heals everything. Find hobbies and interests that you find are cool and keep your mind and body occupied. Fill your time with things that are for YOU. Being an international student, I am sure there are heaps of opportunities for this take advantage of that position and allow yourself to be fully immersed. When I went through my own break up I made it my mission (and still am) to become the most interesting and cool person I know by investing time, energy and resources into the things I enjoy and feel passionate about. 

Remember, you are worthy and you will feel better eventually. These things are also such a huge blessing for us in so many ways because they can become an opportunity to really develop the relationship you have to yourself. Feeling lost and stagnant is normal, but taking action towards what you believe will make you happy is the first time. I listen to a podcast called the Psychology of Your 20s, an episode specifically on this issue of feeling stuck. You might find it useful, it is episode number 398 I think titled "5 ways to get unstuck in your 20s".  I don't know how old you are obviously but I believe the advice in there is applicable to any age. 

I hope this helps! All the best and feel free to continue the conversation. 

Kindest regards, 

Daydreamer 🙂