Feeling down - friends and life

[Lalatheloopyone]

Hi all,
This is my first time posting and I’m a bit nervous haha. Lately I’ve just been feeling down and I often find it happens when I overthink but I do have social anxiety so overthinking isn’t new to me.

I’m not a very social person but I have 3 close friends although we have all moved away from each other due to uni. We still talk regularly but it feels like they are so focused on their own lives. Although that isn’t a bad thing I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have one friend who I feel really understands me and how I’m feeling but she is going through a lot of stuff right now so the last thing I would do is burden her with my problems. As for one of other friends she always talks to me about what’s happening with her life. I’ve helped her through her difficulties and it is honestly draining. I am more than happy to help her and be there for my friends but it honestly hurts when she doesn’t check in on me.

I think I have a bit of resentment towards my friends at the moment but I don’t know what to do about it. I do fear that if I mention something or express how I feel then they will check in on me due to a feeling of obligation.

Being able to be here on this forum and really express how I’m feeling does offer a bit of relief. There are a lot of other things that also cause me stress but this is probably one of the main ones.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

The fact that other people (some) tend to talk about themselves is annoying. I must say that this particular problem has so infuriated me that it has caused me to reduce my friendships.

Effective communication is worth exploring. E.g. she rings

"Hi, how you going"?

You respond-
"Not bad but I have a few problems. After we chat about your issues, I'd like to talk about mine if that's ok".

If she doesn't invite such conversation about your issues...seek other friendships.

You are what we call a giver. People draw to you because you listen and solve problems.

Create boundaries. Limit your kindness until it's reciprocated.

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello LaLatheloopyone, please don't believe this at all, you are a person only wanting to connect with other people on a mutual basis, and certainly not being one sided, because what this does if only a person wants to discuss their own issues and not ask about how you're going, in true honesty, you walk away from a conversation with your partner/friend feeling angry, disappointed, and misunderstood.

I understand when you or your friend is in a difficult situation they need a person to listen to what's going on, and in turn, this has to happen in reverse, that's understanding and definitely being a friend.

I agree with Tony, it's not reasonable for someone to keep asking you about their problems, especially if they're not interested when you, yourself are struggling and want an ear to listen to you, friendship doesn't work like this.

Limit your kindness until it's reciprocated, and having no one who never wants to be concerned about your feelings will certainly not be able to improve your well being.

People go to friends to talk about situations they aren't able to handle, so it's only fair it goes both ways when the time suits, true companionship.

When you are available please let us know your other concerns causing the stress, they could be associated with how you're feeling.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Lalatheloopyone]

Thanks Geoff and Tony for the replies 🙂 I think I will try to have more of an open communication with my friends.

* trigger warning *

*
 

Last month was the anniversary of my brothers death. This is a hard day for my parents especially and I only remember bits and pieces as it happened quite a few years ago. The friends that I mentioned are supposed to be by closest friends yet only one friend (the friend I mentioned is going through a tough time) messaged me on that day.

Something else that has been causing me a bit of stress is that the other day my friend (the one having a tough time) had an attempt. She has not told our other friends about it though. Aside from that I find uni to be stressful as I feel I don’t live up to everyone’s expectations. People only seem to ask me if I have made any friends or they ask about my marks. I’m a reserved person and making friends isn’t very high in my priorities but it makes me feel bad when people ask me all these questions.

Thanks again for the replies and allowing me to share how I feel. Apologies if this reply is a bit all over the place.

[Unbeliever]

The initial transition after highschool is difficult.

People that you saw 5 days a week for most of the year. Year in and year out. Suddenly all go in different directions. Almost overnight relationships that you had to put in absolutely no real effort to maintain or to keep in contact with.... suddenly required real effort to sustain from BOTH people.

This is a pretty sharp learning curve for all involved to understand and it's not always immediately obvious to everyone.

Each person has to adjust to dramatically different circumstances, interactions with new people, exposure to new things. And all this is very time consuming to "find your groove". That first year especially, just to get through it successfully takes up a MASSIVE chunk of your time and focus at the sacrifice of other things.

Regarding friends going through "difficult times" who you don't want to burden. You will be surprised that often the other person also is feeling the same way regarding you. So if you think about it, if you close that door because you are trying to "do the right thing by them" and they are doing the same thing with you... you are technically potentially cutting off a possible useful outlet that might be beneficial to the both of you (if that makes sense).

I have found that certain people who seem to always be talking about themselves quite often feel that no-one ever listens to them. Which often happens to be true, because people switch off when someone talks about themselves all of the time... which of course exacerbates the "feeling that no-one listens to them". Feeding itself.

So perhaps try doing things that reinforce that you have heard what she has said. Like exaggerated responses so that there can be no doubt from her point of view that she has been heard. Unless they are hopelessly self-centred (which IS possible) chances are that she will naturally start inquiring and about you reasonably soon and the interactions become more balanced. This technique has worked for me before.

You probably do feel a bit of resentment. But I think it is possibly more about the current situation rather than at the people themselves. The truth is probably that you simply miss them and spending time with them. I'm sure your friends would appreciate hearing that and would understand it without any bad feelings.

I would be surprised if they don't naturally start talking about making plans to "catch up" at the next possible opportunity in response... rather than as an "obligation".

[Unbeliever]

I'm not sure exactly when in human history this began. But in modern society people have an unfortunate "default setting" where they seem to think that "what you do" (your job, what you study etc) defines WHO you are as a person. Rather than seeing it as what it is... an aspect of your life as opposed to being a piece of your personality.

FYI... people also do this regarding long lasting illnesses, permanent injuries and mental issues.

Which is why a lot of your initial interactions with people in the future will be questions about your work or studies and are limited to what THEY know about those things. Which is why so many questions will be restricted to what THEY deem are important strictly within the limits of their own knowledge about them.

Unfortunately, the amount of people who enquire about "how YOU are" and about aspects that do define you as a person will be significantly less. This is just an unfortunate aspect in modern life and common interactions. A lot of it is quite thoughtless.

Regarding expectations... my advice is just don't. Do things as best as you can at first. Try to get better at something you find difficult... even if it is just a little bit. Don't kick yourself too much when you don't do things as well as what you would like... but instead look at it as simply a confirmation of something you need to work on and be thankful that you have been given absolute proof as to what you should focus more attention on improving.

How else could you turn your weaknesses into strengths without access to this knowledge? If you really think about it, it's an advantage handed to you on a silver platter rather than a straight up failure as many people view it. This is actually how it works. This is what in the long run separates people who can "do" something... and those who are GREAT at doing them.

People that don't learn these things early in life, often hit the ground REALLY hard when it happens to them later and since they never learned how to get back up or to learn from it? Inevitable consequences.

So my advice is to ignore expectations. They are worthless and not actually useful in reality for anything. They hold you down rather than raise you up. Regardless of whether they are other peoples or even your own. Let them go and move forwards without them... and you'll benefit greatly in ways that will only become obvious to you later.

I'm sorry about your friend. Perhaps they would benefit from an outlet like BB suggested by a good friend?