Feeling alone, have a big heavy load on my back

Dan4 · ‎05-06-2017

I'm 19 and have always questioned my mental Health. At school I considered my self as a lone wolf, I had many friends but they where always separated by different friend groups, and I was everywhere but nowhere at the same time. At the end of the day I would always feel alone and would be the one to make the effort 70% of the time. By year 12 I was at my peak of athleticism and would spend my days training with a small group of school athletes but always felt "left out and forgotten." That sport season ended and I was detached from them entirely. I would attend parties uninvited and turned to alcohol to find happiness on weekends. I met a beautiful girl at the end of my schooling.I had never wanted someone so badly and it was the first time I felt a connection deeper. She was popular and there where other guys than just me. I had to leave her to go on a years exhange to Brazil and it was the hardest thing, too leave this girl who I had only just won over and fell in love with, someone who filled the emptyness in me. Brazil was exciting but I experienced mind boggling loneliness. I would stare at the ceiling for hours, stressing over what was happening back home, who she was with etc. I'd travel on public transport for hours to get anywhere in a foreign country feeling sad and by the end of 5 months i hit bottom. I was sick in the head and it hit me physically, my hands peeled and my skin went pale. The girl I loved had been seeing other guys and i had stayed loyal to her. When I went out I never enjoyed myself and would wish i was home back in Australia. I had to be drunk to break the sadness. I finally gave up and flew home, after pressure from my parents and friends to stay in Brazil. I ran straight back to this girl who also went through distress when I was gone. It's hard to blame her, she was only 16, but she caused a lot of pain. She was also my only remedy. I'm still with her. She's the only one that really cares for me. My relationship with my family is very distant. I'm at uni now and I've made few friends, I barely go out on weekends and spend some days not even saying a word. Uni is like carrying a heavy weight up a hill, I feel so bogged and stressed about it yet I spend no time studying. Even when I do get invited to things I often feel like it's too big of an effort. I hope someone can respond as I feel I need to get somethings off my chest. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone I know, even my girlfriend.

MarkJT · ‎05-06-2017

Dan, sorry to hear that you have a rough go at life - not easy at all, especially when you are separated from the person you are in love with.

I know you said there at the end that you do not feel comfortable talking to anyone about it, but i want you to go and see a GP. You are showing some signs and symptoms of depression and as i am not a clinician, i cannot (and would not) diagnose you.

You are so very young and have so much to live for. By going to the GP you are going to give yourself the best chance of getting your mojo back and living a good life.

The key is though, you need to tell the GP the whole story and if you think you are going to be telling them things they have not before, incorrect. GP's and psychs hear so much from their patients that there is every chance they have heard the exact same story as yours from a different person before.They will not judge you, they will help you, that is what they do.

This can take some courage to do but you have it. You have come on here and posted what is going on so use that courage that you have within you and book into the GP.

It is great that you are here - post back and lets get you sorted out so you can smile and be motivated again.

Mark.

romantic_thi3f · ‎06-06-2017

Hi Dan4,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post.

It sounds like there's a lot going on for you so I can vouch for Mark/MarkJT in that seeing a GP might be the best step to take. We can be here for you and support you, but it sounds like maybe it's all just becoming a heavy weight on your shoulders - and for that you need 1 to 1 support.

You've talked a lot about how you've got to the here and now; going to Brazil and what that was like for you, and your girlfriend and your history; but I'm curious as to what's life like for you today. Is there one thing that's bothering you the most, or one thing that feels heavier than the rest? Maybe that could be the first one to tackle; whether it's talking to your girlfriend about how you've been feeling, getting in touch with your family, finding some new friends at uni or looking at what you need to pick up some study again. I'm not sure what that might look like for you but I do know that small steps are always best.

I also get what it's like to not feel comfortable talking to anyone, and that's okay - but sometimes we've got to push outside that comfort zone to get some help. Your life can be better than this, even if it's uncomfortable at first. But if you're still finding that too hard, that's okay too. Hopefully we can still provide a place where you can reach out and get things off your chest.

Dan4 · ‎07-06-2017

Hey MarkJT, thanks for the comment, it felt good writing down my thoughts. I do want to avoid seeing professionals as much as possible. My family are more susceptible to depression. Growing up with a dad heavily medicated on anti-depressants, I want to avoid that as much as possible. I'm unsure if I do have something more than just feeling down. It could be as simple as a need for a lifestyle change.

Dan4 · ‎07-06-2017

romantic_thi3f thankyou for the support. My life right now involves Uni, girlfriend, close friends but not day to day basis. I use to go to the gym a lot and thats when I felt most confident and happy. A bad habit of playing video games has replaced this and had made it harder for me to get motivated to workout. I also have a job I dislike, at a supermarket which has increasingly been unkind to me. I'm usually a more motivated person but lately I've lost my 'mojo' and started to care less and less. I just know I'm unhappy and angry thoughts come to mind daily when emotions of the past come to mind. I've always had trouble knowing what exactly I feel, and tend to overheat.

romantic_thi3f · ‎08-06-2017

Hi Dan4,

Thanks for your post.

Just before I want to get into it I just want to say that going to a Doctor doesn't have to mean medication. If the Doctor suggests it you have the right to say no. The other options in going to the Doctor are getting a referral to see a psychologist; and maybe look at looking at what's going on for you as a whole rather than just a couple of situations here and there. Would you be open to that?

You definitely have a jam packed life at the moment! What happens when you 'overheat'? What does that feel like?

I'm curious about how much of what you're feeling might be related to what's going on in your life now, and how much is stuff about the past that's getting to you. You mentioned to Mark JT about just needing a lifestyle change; but what sorts of things could you change? Would you want to switch your degree; your job?

I think the thing that probably concerns me the most is that feeling of being overheated. Yes, there's lots of things happening in your past and throughout your day - but the way I see it is that it would be best to help you feel a bit more 'present' and feel like you can handle what you're feeling or whatever is being brought up in that moment. Especially so this stuff doesn't build up too much. Even though there's a lot of things you can't control, you can choose your thoughts. Maybe there are ways to try and not overheat; like trying to exercise again or go back to the Gym, or going for a walk with your girlfriend, writing, talking - anything that can help, even if it's just a little bit. You've probably also heard the term 'mindfulness' swing around a bit - this might be something you could look into as well; the basic theory being that you try and observe what's going on rather than judging it. This might help you figure out how you feel too.

I hope that this helps a little and that I'm on the right track. I guess I've chosen to try and focus more on that overheating feeling than anything else so that you can get in control as much as possible, and then start to deal with everything else later. Or maybe you can let us know how we can help you.