Feel guilty for being angry and sad

[hm]

Sometimes I just feel like I hate my family, but mostly my sister. She's 21 and I'm 18, and she lives out of home, but still every time I see her I get so angry. We've had so many problems in the past that led to her getting kicked out of home because she was just awful to everyone, and I don't understand why everyone acts as though it's normal now when it's not. She's still horribly rude to me and when I complain to my mum she gets angry at me and says I should make more of an effort but it's hard to do that when my sister is still bullying me and being rude to everyone. Sometimes I think I would be totally fine if I never heard from her again. She's so horrible to me and I really can't stand her. She's still acting like a child and it's so frustrating. I can't talk to anyone about it because every time I do they either say the simple "that sucks" or they tell me that she's my sister and it's normal and I'll get over it. It's not normal. It's out of control and I honestly hate her. I don't know how I can make people understand

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey hm,

Thanks for your post.

I don't have a sister so I don't know what it's like, but I also don't think you can ever make anyone understand what you're going through. Nobody will ever know what it's like in your shoes; they can pretend or imagine, but they'll never truly understand.

I think what you're going through 'does suck' because it's hard not getting along with your family, but I don't know if it's normal or not normal because I don't think that normal exists. Everyone's relationship with their family is different; some love them, some tolerate them, some hate them. There's no real one size fits all. What matters though is that your relationship with your sister is affecting you.

I won't tell you to get over it but I would like to help you get through it; the title of your post said that you feel guilty for being angry and sad; but there's nothing to feel guilty about. You're allowed to feel what you feel and nobody should tell you otherwise.

Hope this helps

[Zeal]

Hi hm,

Welcome to the forum!

Hate is a frustrating and exhausting emotion. Your older sister being so rude towards you is rough. I am 23, and have a 21 year old sister. We aren't close, though neither of us is rude to each other. My sister started ignoring me and showing less respect several years ago, after I had an eating disorder. I didn't do anything negative to her or others. I feel that she may have been protecting herself from feeling discomfort due to my glaringly visible poor health. Our relationship has improved slightly over the past year, but there's still a fair way to go.

I have heard friends say that once a sibling moves out and you have space from each other, that the relationship often improves. This unfortunately has not been the case for you and your sister. This is not your fault. Your sister is being rude, and preventing a positive relationship between the two of you. Being treated this way by your sister is not something that should be put down to 'just a typical sister relationship'. Fractured sibling relationships can be really distressing.

My advice is to focus on your own life and good relationships with others, and avoid engaging in arguments if your sister starts one. If and when she visits the family home, try hard not to get defensive or retaliate when she is rude to you. This can be really difficult, but is important. Does your sister ever physically hurt you, or is it always verbal and emotional behaviour? If she is rude to you on social media, you don't have to respond.

It's a shame that your Mum finds it hard to support you when your sister acts this way. Your Mum may be upset that you and your sister have a negative relationship, and so she says dismissive things in order to avoid talking about the core of the issue. Because your sister is unwilling to be kind or to cooperate, your Mum is telling you to keep trying (despite the fact that progress can't be made due to your sister's behaviour). She probably doesn't know what else to do.

Is there someone else you can talk to about this other than your parents? If you want to talk things through with someone safe and understanding, there are helplines available. The Kids Helpline (for 5 - 25 year olds) is on 1800 55 1800, and Beyondblue's is 1300 22 4636. These are both 24/7 services, and are free and confidential.

I hope something I've said has been helpful!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[pipsy]

Hi hm. Sibling rivalry, call it what you please, we all had it. Older siblings often 'boss' the younger ones because they 'can'. Mum tells us to 'ignore', or it's a phase, or get over it. Does your sister have mental health issues? If she has BPD, or bipolar or major depression, this could be the cause of many of the mood swings she is displaying. This doesn't make it right, but it would explain a lot. Substance abuse often causes severe mood swings too. Have you tried asking your mum if there is something wrong? Maybe mum and dad are working with her to help her with any problems she has. They are not likely to give up, she is their daughter and giving up is not an option. I'm sure if you had mental health issues or problems with substance abuse, they would be there for you too. Try talking to mum and dad, ask them how you can help, if there is a problem.

Lynda