Fear

[Bec_Luke]

Network has been annoying today. Apologies if this is up twice. 

I have recently attempted self harme, as trying to get support/help from my ex after an 11 month relationship and well as friends all I wanted was some help and support and just for him to come back so I could talk, this whol thing started because he had just being sitting there on his phone texting otheres so id gotten a bit upset and got up and did my own thing, after awhile of him sitting there texting other people he got up and said he was leaving, I said I was unhappy with him but he didnt hear me, I got upset, and called him back tomask if he could come back and talk, later on im had warned him that I was destressed and could likely self harm as so called "friend" due to the fact that I was in destress with everything that was happening all he could respond with was, saying I was threatning him when it wasnt a threat for startes and verbLly abusive and saying that if I want to mess up my life then go ahead. Two hrs later he decideds to rock up but already too late and I wasnt home, he was then saying how much of a waste of time he spent just then coming around, I tryed to explain to him that when someone is in destress and also trying to deal with depression and grief of the bracke up, that not all people have 2 hrs to wait that as bad as this may sound but some people could die in 2hrs not even 2 hrs, he clearly didnt care. This is now the 3-4 times I have selfe harmed/attempted, I know listening to other people stories of their ralertives and hearing about mick jaggers wife who had comitted suicied, and know that my sister has as well, I have a fear that Iwill be unable to over come this that it will be too over powereing. I do feel at times that my mind and mentaly its to over powering for me. I have told my theripest this that even though I know taking medication is the best thing for me its my best friend and know what can happen when I do or dont, I know that I have experienced this even on my meds that, I do have been inconsitant in taking medication and I feel that im needing abit more support than my medication I do have that fear of I know how easy it is to just to overdose as I know that what my sister nearly did, but I know howeasy it can be, as welll as I have twice perposed to be in a pysc ward because of how brain washing and over powering this can be but for me with the fear of not being able toover come this. As I am trying too stay strong but I do feel I may need more support or consistant support.

Is this normal to be feeling and thinking these things?????

Bec

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[anon12]

Hi Bec,

You recently replied to my post and I scrolled down and had seen your post from yesterday and a few things really struck a cord with me. I am going to share my story with you of a break-up me and my ex boyfriend had and a few other things. You are NOT alone, a year ago, I would have never understood how depression happens, why it happens and didn't think it existed. I was a completely blind and "happy" girl who thought she had everything figured out. I realised a few things last year, some of those people that we should never take anything for granted as today or tomorrow could be your last..no one every knows and that's why the future can be scary.. its so unpredictable!

Well here's my story...

Last summer I met my first real boyfriend, instantly I was attracted to him and I liked him, however, he did not feel the same and made it very difficult to "get him" Once I finally started going out with him, he became manipulative and abusive. He would accuse me of cheating on him just because I was talking to a guy mate of mine. We would break up more times than I can count and neither my parents nor my friends liked him for obvious reasons. He regularly put me down. We only went out for 6 months and unfortunately, as stupid as most people thought I was, I fell in love with the wrong person. our relationship lasted for 6 months and the last time we broke up and got back together I put my full trust in him which I had never done before. A week later....I found out he had been cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. The messages (which she had shown me, absolutely broke my heart). I stayed with him for 2 more weeks (because i obviously had loved him) and painfully left him for good. I hope my story does not upset you or anyone as I am just trying to show you that the pain I suffered was excruciating and there were many times where I thought I wouldn't make it. At this time, I was living away from my parents (back home now) but during the winter I would walk every single day at the beach even if it was pouring with rain. It calmed me down and masked any feelings of sadness I was feeling. People must have thought I was crazy. So basically I had been walking through my life last year like a zombie. Then I had gotten back into uni and decided to drop out after 3 weeks as it made me too unhappy and the parents are forcing me to go again.

Honestly, I understand exactly how you are feeling. I am extremely sorry to hear about your sister and I can't imagine how painful that would have been. The point to my story is that I understand what it is like to have had a boyfriend who you wanted to care about you the same way you care about them. I now look back on that situation and think to myself the pain I felt just shows I am capable of loving someone with all my heart which shows I have feelings. I do not understand the situation between you and your boyfriend, but by what I can see, you have a big heart and are capable of feeling, so this means that underneath the sadness that eats away at us, there is LIFE!

I am in the exact same position as you, I fear that my life will not turn out the way the "happy" me had planned it to. But I will tell you something that helps me through each day. No matter what happens, I just go through the motions of each day and even though I am so-so about God, believe me...I pray when I can't find any strength in myself. Today I woke up and I do not feel sad, or unhappy, or depressed, I just feel "okay" and let me tell you it is quite pleasant as many understand that that feeling can be rare. I want to help you by telling you that what you are feeling is completely understandable with what you have gone through and when you care about someone so much you want them to the same way. But listen, I want to help you by saying that everyday there will be days you wake up and feel so bad that everything is unbearable, this may be 60% of the time or 80% or 99% however, that 1% where you have days you feel okay or just "eh" about things are the ones you must hang in there for. I am in the exact same boat as you and this is the first "eh" day in a while that I have had where maybe my body is too tired from the stress and sadness, but I don't feel doomed, Tomorrow may be a different story but we are all in this together, and I believe that one day the storm will pass. Please hang in there, you not alone 🙂 and if you ever need to talk I am more than happy to help as I believe we can help each other.

Kind regards,

anon

[Bec_Luke]

Hey Anon,

Thanks soo much for reading up on my post and responding. Inappreciate it a lot.

Im sorry to hear the story about your ex. But I know where your coming form as well.

Its sonhard tho  because its like the only thing that seems to make me happy or feel ok is him, and I just wanna knownwhat goes on in that headmof his still, and I still wonder what his doing, and I miss him and I just feel like im lost and I for some reasion cant let go or something.

I dont know if you did se my post about how the other day him and I went for a hotchoclate, that might of been the one I posted yesturday too maybe. It does up set me when we hang out or he gets me out and he cont for like 1 minute not be on his phone texting in company. Im not suremif you saw that post of mine but it just cuts me up as well.

Im soo glad that therenis someone that I can speak to. I just feel like thesesndays im going crazy.

Bec x

[anon12]

Yeah that would be extremely annoying and honestly even if it is a friend of mine I don't see the point of anyone asking someone to see them, and then being on their phone the whole time ignoring them cause it's so rude!

I know exactly how you feel when you say he is the only one to make you feel better, but my ex boyfriend was that person for me and it was hard to stop for a second and think if he really cared about me or whether he just wanted what I could give him. It's hard sometimes especially with guys but I can tell you there are good ones out there cause I went out with a extremely nice guy although I realised he wasn't quite for me. 

Oh no I didn't see that post but that would annoy me so much as well, cause my ex used to do the same although when we weren't together he would never reply to my texts so that's what I found confusing and plain annoying. If I were you I'd just tell him to get off his damn phone and pay attention to you cause its stupid that he thinks he can be like that. 

And of course you can talk to me whenever if you are struggling ever just send me a inbox or whatever people do on this haha but I better go for now cause parents are getting angry because I left my job last week because of my sadness 😞 So my "okay day" is turning to sadness again. Lemme know if you ever want to talk.

Anon  x

[Bec_Luke]

Thanks heaps?

and same to you. 🙂