I turned 20 last week and though a student at a "prestigious" uni and involved in clubs and societies, truth be told, life cannot get any worse. Since starting uni straight from high school two years ago, I've changed degrees multiple times and don't know when I'll ever graduate; feeling lost and confused. I've also barely made any real friends. The only guy I ever dated (shortly after entering uni) only ended up hurt me terribly. It makes it worse that I'm from a background where "high achievement" is expected and it makes me feel like a loser. I've even dropped out once but I keep that secret. Right now, I'm only doing a degree for the sake of it and it and feel completely stupid because I only chose it because I had no idea what else to choose and I had some credits for it already. It feels like a "loser" degree anyway. My transcript is abysmal so I don't know how I'm ever going to get a job and I know that I need to do postgrad but it feels that with these current marks, that is almost out of the question. I've been to careers' advisors e.t.c and they always ask me the same questions: "What do you like? What are you good at?" but to these questions, I can only ever say "I don't know".
Since I was around 13, I've never truly had any real interests and though I have "friends", none of them are close and I am always the outsider in the group. I don't know what I'm good at and I look back at my life so far and just see a whole lot of wasted talent and potential; I know I could be doing so much better than I am. Ages 13-18 were spent plagued with depression and eating disorders so I never truly cultivated any passions and throughout the age of 19, I was just extremely lost. I don't know what my interests and passions are anymore and due to my past issues, I never really excelled in anything anymore. I tell people that I like art and music but the paintings that I show them were from when I was 15 and music, which I say I like I rarely even listen to or create. Most of my time has just been spent watching time pass by. I've fallen out of touch with the world and what is happening.
I feel like everyone else knows what they want; my friends are all doing well in their medicine, law, architecture, science e.t.c. degrees and here I am jumping around, going nowhere. I'm too embarrassed to tell the people I know about my multiple degree changes and have absolutely zero self esteem, self confidence and no defining character or personality. I feel like a ghost.
