Everything is a mess and I feel like disappearing. I have no sense of self. Feeling old yet not.

nxrza · ‎31-03-2017

I turned 20 last week and though a student at a "prestigious" uni and involved in clubs and societies, truth be told, life cannot get any worse. Since starting uni straight from high school two years ago, I've changed degrees multiple times and don't know when I'll ever graduate; feeling lost and confused. I've also barely made any real friends. The only guy I ever dated (shortly after entering uni) only ended up hurt me terribly. It makes it worse that I'm from a background where "high achievement" is expected and it makes me feel like a loser. I've even dropped out once but I keep that secret. Right now, I'm only doing a degree for the sake of it and it and feel completely stupid because I only chose it because I had no idea what else to choose and I had some credits for it already. It feels like a "loser" degree anyway. My transcript is abysmal so I don't know how I'm ever going to get a job and I know that I need to do postgrad but it feels that with these current marks, that is almost out of the question. I've been to careers' advisors e.t.c and they always ask me the same questions: "What do you like? What are you good at?" but to these questions, I can only ever say "I don't know".

Since I was around 13, I've never truly had any real interests and though I have "friends", none of them are close and I am always the outsider in the group. I don't know what I'm good at and I look back at my life so far and just see a whole lot of wasted talent and potential; I know I could be doing so much better than I am. Ages 13-18 were spent plagued with depression and eating disorders so I never truly cultivated any passions and throughout the age of 19, I was just extremely lost. I don't know what my interests and passions are anymore and due to my past issues, I never really excelled in anything anymore. I tell people that I like art and music but the paintings that I show them were from when I was 15 and music, which I say I like I rarely even listen to or create. Most of my time has just been spent watching time pass by. I've fallen out of touch with the world and what is happening.

I feel like everyone else knows what they want; my friends are all doing well in their medicine, law, architecture, science e.t.c. degrees and here I am jumping around, going nowhere. I'm too embarrassed to tell the people I know about my multiple degree changes and have absolutely zero self esteem, self confidence and no defining character or personality. I feel like a ghost.

Croix · ‎31-03-2017

Dear Nxrza,

Welcom to the Forum, I think there will be many that relate to your story. I’m one.

I went to uni twice, once when around 20, and once later. I too came from a background where "high achievement" is expected.

Your thoughts mirror mine. I had no wish to do the ‘right’ thing (arts/law) and instead did a year of drama, psychology and philosophy. Didn’t even do them that well – never told my parents about the switch or my results. Dropped out.

Did other things and eventually broke with my parents (another story).

Years later I went back to study and excelled. Similarly before I was aimless and nothing appealed. I also did not know what I liked and made up socially acceptable replies.

You sound very much like I did later when I had PTSD, depression and anxiety start following matters involving my job.

Your thoughts sound like depression talking on your behalf, not the real you inside. That’s how it was for me. Felt worthless and hopeless and separated from life.

So what to do. In your position I’d book a long consultation with a GP. Ask to be tested for depression and anxiety. At your leisure write down your history, how you feel now and what is currently happening to you – don’t leave anything out, even if frightening or embarrassing. I had to do this to make sense in the appointment.

See what happens. You may end up with meds, a Health Plan, a psychologist and therapy. This is how I got better. Could not do it by myself.

Nowadays I work because I want to, have quite reasonable self-esteem and am in a marvellous relationship. I have things I like and enjoy – no doubt about it.

If I can get there so can you.

Please post again and say how you are,

Croix

finchh · ‎24-04-2017

hey, what your going through sounds awful and I hope things start looking up soon. In terms of feeling unfulfilled and not knowing what to do have you ever thought about using your experiences with depression and mental illness and helping young people who are going through similar experiences. This will allow you to connect with people as well as relate to them as you yourself have had experiences with the issues and can know how to survive and conquer these illnesses. It will also allow you to meet a range of new people.
You are not a loser other people and their connections with you do not define you. Sure it sucks and we all require human connections to feel fulfilled but it is important that we find the right people. Maybe try experimenting with a range of different activities and see which ones make you happiest, go to concerts or out to public places which will allow you to meet people with similar interests as yourself. These activities could lead you to join clubs or attend events of people who share the same passion as you and make strong healthy connections. This will take time but its important to keep on trying because you will find what makes you happy and things will get better. xx

geoff · ‎24-04-2017

hello Nxrza, can I ask you why you need to get a degree, the thought sounds good but you may not be able to get a job you like, because simply if you have changed courses many times then you are still unclear what you want to do in life, you are grabbing at straws hoping for the best.
You don't need a degree to be successful although that's what has always been told, yes if you want to become a doctor then that's what you must do and just because friends are becoming professionals mustn't make you feel inferior, there are many other worthy people in other trades.
My Dad a GP had four sons who he wished would also become doctors, and no one did, we have all gone our own way in all different directions each one of us with a degree that means nothing in what we have done throughout our life.
To me it was a waste of time, three years of studying and when finished the diploma I got meant nothing, and I was the same as you, had no idea of what I wanted in life, but then opportunities came along which I never expected, so why don't you stop uni, remember you can always go back if you want to, and start exploring the world, there are so many different fields you can experiment with, but you wn't know until you try. Geoff.

Nervybella · ‎24-04-2017

Hi nxrza,

I broke down reading your post as its SO relatable to what I'm feeling right now.

Feeling restless and like I'm "wasting" my time and life. I went to uni straight from high school, completed my first year, then changed degrees for my second year.

I got about 2 weeks into my second year and thought "what the hell am I doing here?!" I didn't enjoy what I was doing and had no motivation to be there at all.

So I deffered and completed a short course (cert 4) in the meantime. Loved the course and got a job in that field, but now that restless feeling is coming back...

Im young! I want to experience life! I don't want to settle into this monotonous 9-5 working life already!! But anxiety and self doubt niggles at the back of my mind every day.

Like you, I have no burning passions or interests. My dad tells me to do what I love, but that's hard when you don't feel that strongly about anything!

Im so scared of letting people down that I'm afraid to keep changing my mind. I want to travel but have no one to go with, and know I would get home sick.

i want to work, but work causes me much anxiety.

I want to study, but don't know what path to go down...

I really feel for you nxrza, and I hope that we can all find happiness in whatever we decide to do

Bella

Nervybella · ‎02-05-2017

Just thought I would check in...see how things are.

I can't help but feel anxious when the thread dies off after I post. I know this is a silly thing to feel, but that's anxiety I guess...

I always worry that I've scared people off or said something to make people stop talking 😕

9helpinghand6 · ‎02-05-2017

Hey nxrza and nervybella,

I too am from a 'prestigious' uni feeling lost and just not sure about what I'm doing with my life anymore. I'm in my final year and about to graduate with a degree I have no clue what to do with.

Recently, I've involved myself with a lot of volunteer work for my university and I've come to really like it. I've tried my best to put myself out of my comfort zone and attend networking and career events to just talk to people about why they do what they do. It's really helped me gain a bit of a better understanding about myself. I haven't found what I'm passionate about either but volunteering really helps calm down my nerves. Not sure if it's an avenue you guys have looked into but its really helped for me (didn't expect it to) but maybe it could help a little?

I just want you both to know that you're definitely not alone in feeling this way and I'm so glad you posted about it since it lets me know that I'm not alone either. I hope to hear about how you guys are faring and hope that we all find that thing we're passionate about.

helpinghand

Croix · ‎02-05-2017

Dear Nervybella~

I always worry that I've scared people off or said something to make people stop talking 😕

I read a lot of threads and have come across many of your posts. Your mind is putting you down. you interact just fine, your posts are clear and thoughtful and appreciative. You have nothing to worry about at all. If a thread stops it is for another reason.

Just as an aside Dr Kim had something to say recently about the way we think at times, and how it is not always right:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/taking-things-the-wrong-way-(on-the-forums-and-in-life)