Dissociation & Avoidance: Unresolved Traumas Resurfaces

[HarperSeige]

Hello,

I have a lot of unresolved traumas that has snowballed, due to dismissive tendencies as a coping mechanism. I now suffer greatly as the result of bottling things inside for years and its taking a piece of me everyday, mentally, spiritually and physically. I am terrified of my emotions, I'm not comfortable feeling at all and this has made me to lose touch of myself, I can't have healthy relationships with anyone and I go through extremes from perfecting and over analysing life events or completely involve myself in self-sabotaging behaviours. I still suffer from PSTD symptoms, and now it has manifested into other mental illnesses, making it more difficult to deal with.

I honestly want to get better, I want to be able to be completely comfortable with myself again, but I don't remember what it is like to been in my authentic self. I have also avoided going to see a psychologist for years, and only now do I realised it is because I don't want to talk about my traumas. But now I realised that I have to. I don't know what kind of help I need to seek (because I have so many issues) and I don't want to go to a wrong specialist (trust issues).

Who do I go to if I can't remember some of the details/traumas?

Some of the traumas/problems that I have bottled up and needs help with healing and coping:

Childhood traumas, sexual abuse and physical abuse

death of my mother (who attempted suicide many times, and her succession was completely unpredicted because I thought she was getting better)

PSTD, Anxiety, Depression

severe mood swings, indecisiveness, avoidance of social activities and loss of motivation,

low self-esteem, self-worth and a masked personality of false confidence.

I don't know how to cope with it other than running away from it, and I don't know who to ask for help. If there is any recommendations or tips, advice, even to share that someone else is going through this as well, I would really appreciate that.

[Croix]

Dear HarperSeige~

Welcome to the Forum, a pretty good step in finding out how others went and planning what to do.

I've had PTSD, depression and anxiety for a very long time, and lots of treatment with therapy and meds. I'm in a pretty good place as a result. A whole lot of what you say sounds familiar including symptoms, masking feelings and long delayed treatment.

You sound overwhelmed by the nature and variety of problems you face, this is very natural, however you do not have to be able to understand - or even list - them all right now.,

I'm not sure you need to worry about which particular type of health professional to see. I guess you just need to start somewhere - and that normally means your GP. I'd suggest booking a long appointment and telling the GP about yourself, your feelings, and what has happens in your life. Ask to be tested for depression and anxiety.

If you are worried about explaining everything, then write what you can down in advance and share the paper in the consultation. If all else fails print out your post - it is pretty clear.

You do not have to remember everything all at once or at the start, give things time to come to the fore as treatment progresses.

If the GP thinks it is appropriate you may be given meds and a Health Plan to see a psychologist, where you can undergo and practice therapy. This may not be the end of things, you may need more specialist help - I don't know, however your GP is a good first person to try to decide.

Recovery does not just depend on medical support. People - if available - play a big role too. Do you have anyone, family or friend, who you can talk to, who cares and will try to understand? I needed the strength of another.

If you look around this Forum you will see how others in similar situations have coped and come out with very positive results. You will also find more information in The Facts menu above.

You can take heart from the fact I was a typical mess, and now I'm out of sight better. I'm sure you can be too.

Please post again and say more about yourself and your life, you will be met with care and understanding

Croix

[HarperSeige]

Hi Croix,

Thank you so much for your message of support, I was really surprised and overwhelmed by the long response, it was really comforting and allowed me to place more trust in opening up and seeing a psychologist.

I have received a Mental Health Car Plan and is searching for the right practitioner right now, but I am doing it with hope and expectations. So thank you ☺️

You mentioned that you had PTSD for a very long time and is now at a better place, what is your thoughts about treatment plan without medications? I had a very bad experience with antidepressants before where I went nuts, I would just cry and I scared a lot of people because I couldnt comprehend what emotions I was feeling. It was like I felt, but my brain couldn't sort feelings into happy, sad, angry, annoyed ect. 

In your experience, did you find it hard to cope during the treatment without the medications?

Unfortunately I have pushed most people out of my life. I was friends with a big group of girls from highschool + parties who although was a great support for me in the past during VCE, has given me more emotional grief and drama after high school. I only have a handful of friends now who I trust but they also shared that they are dealing with difficult circumstances as well, so I often pretend that I'm doing okay and lie about the severity of my mental state.

I also have an uncle (I call him uncle but he is my mom's bestfriend and is not related to me) who treats me like I'm his own daughter and has great sense of responsibilities over me, but due to language barrier and being countries apart, it is hard for me to communicate to him in another language about my complex issues as my vocabulary in his language is only as good a 2nd grader.

I did have intentions on making new friends but due to my avoidance issues and severe anxiety, I often feel too damaged to form genuine connection to others and that I am too different, or have been left behind. I think this also has taken a big toll on me as I used to be a very social person.

Did you go through several mental health professionals throughout your course of recovery? What kind of things or activities do they typically do in a PTSD session?

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me!

[Croix]

Dear HarperSeige~

I'm pretty pleased you got some encouragement from my reply. Also that you have taken steps to make things better - probably quite a long haul, but very promising.

You've given me a fair few questions and I'm going to disappoint you by not answering in detail.

There are a couple of reasons, firstly I only have my own experiences as a guide and everyone is different and treatments vary accordingly. Secondly I was diagnosed and started treatment a VERY long time ago - meds and treatments have progressed a long way since.

Medications, I've had many, still on them. Some in the past have had adverse effects. Just about all have had to be modified or tweaked. My current regime has been basically the same for years. I suggest you tell your doctor - if you have not already - about the effects of what you had before.

I like the fact that your GP is searching for the right professional - a good sign. It does have to be the right one. I've had a few false starts before finding what clicked. I found some therapies quite confronting and exhausting.

I'll mention a couple of beyondblue publications that may help you see where therapies fit in the scheme of things:

http://learn.beyondblue-elearning.org.au/workplace/resources/pdf/topic5/GuideToWhatWorksForAnxiety.pdf
http://learn.beyondblue-elearning.org.au/workplace/resources/pdf/topic5/GuideToWhatWorksForDepression.pdf

The fact that some friends are no longer there is not really surprising, after school it happens. If the ones you have now have had problems of their own then you probably all have a similar outlook on life - a common bond, even if the nature of the problems varies.

Downplaying your own problems is all well and good, but you too need support, who do you trust and talk to? One of your friends, your mum? I had to lean on someone a great deal. Pity about the language with your uncle, though you might feel more at ease anyway with a female considering the history of abuse.

From the way you talk in your posts I seriously doubt your having a genuine connection is impossible, just that there may be a lack of confidence - seeing yourself as 'damaged' or different. For a long time I was not able to judge myself, others could and it was fine in the end.

Your hope and expectations will be met, I'm sure. It may take a while, please don't be discouraged if it is not a quick fix or at ups and downs, they are to be expected.

I'd be very pleased if you wanted to talk more

Croix

[HarperSeige]

Dear Croix,

You didn't disappoint me at all! All your answers were straight to the point and made a lot of sense. I will be a pain though and ask if there were any noticeable changes in your social life when you started on medications. Is there a possibility in being fully recovered from PTSD and not having to rely on medications? I'm curious because you have been on this journey for a long time and would probably have realistic expectations of the end result.

I understand that this will be quite a journey and I will need to be committed for however long it might take to see some progress, but I look forward to learn more about myself and remove the stigma I've placed on myself.

In conjunction to your treatment plan, were there anything else that helped you? Like exercise, hobbies ect. My body is quite weak, and even though it is recommended to engage in daily exercise, as it will assist with regulating mood swings and sleep; my anxiety have actually increased during physical activities and it just doesn't feel good anymore.

You're right about the common bond - the friends I have now are very contemplative and share deeper conversations, but unfortunately we're all sensitive and just get really depressed afterwards. I don't know if this is the 'philosophy syndrome' or if we were all somewhat triggered. 😅

My mum is the cause of my PTSD, as she committed suicide. It's difficult to feel safe or comfortable opening up when mum was my foundation and stability. I did managed to open up to a friend today, but I suffered from sudden lightheadedness, nausea and nearly passed out after I shared traumatic details from the past.

My confidence has definitely received a huge blow and I go into constant war with myself. When I put the false mask of confidence on, everything seems superficial and fake. It feels like an effort and sometimes I don't want to deal with people, yet other times I feel lonely and want to be with people. I'm scared of how inconsistent my feelings are, it's blurred and unpredictable. It can be extremely frustrating and nerve-wrecking when someone makes an innocent comment and your mind just blanks out, then sends you off to a place where you re-experience trauma all over again. And it happens so fast like it only takes a few seconds, so before you know it, you suddenly feel sick. Another reason why I honestly can't make friends anymore. I just don't know when I'll be triggered.

Thank you for allowing me to share that.

HarperSeige

[Croix]

Dear HarperSeige~

I will say one thing straight away. I think you may be under a fair bit of strain when talking here. The is no race, no obligation to rush or talk more than you are comfortable with. If it takes time that is fine -ok?

I can't answer about never needing meds and full recovery, I have only my experience, I am still on them and not 100% -though pretty good all things considered. Others may be different - you could look around here and see how others have gone

My relationships with family and others improved as my treatment progressed, I was nothing like as isolated (a self-imposed state) or remote

There were a lot of things that helped, and exercise was one - though that mainly consisted of walking outside the home. If it is increasing your stress levels then change type of exercise and take it gently. If you like music/podcasts/ebooks use them as you go

I did a course of study (took longer than usual) which gave me distraction, structure and accomplishment as well as new social avenues. I read, a lot, always have, this is an escape. I used to make things with my hands, like woodwork. This demanded concentration and effort outside myself

You could also look at:
Forums/ Anxiety/ SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

I use the Smiling Mind App

Is that enough to be getting on with 🙂 ?

Trying to handle triggers is awkward, and for me it has been learning by experience, though now their effect is less and I recover very quickly. Knowing what to avoid takes time. I've never totally succeeded in anticipating everything. Frankly it is no use shutting yourself away from others, triggers can pop up everywhere, and friends will learn what upsets you and try to act accordingly (or they are not friends)

You were very brave to confide, both here and to your friend, and worrying about your own reactions would have been upsetting and probably frightening. Quite normal

Inconsistency is normal too as your mid pivots between reaction and more ordinary states -memory fogs -and you struggle to anticipate, keep up

All improves immeasurably

I've not talked much about your mum. I wanted you to know a bit about what to expect and have a few tools to look after yourself with. Your thoughts, grief, loss, probable guilt, loneliness and more are a huge thing

There is a real comfort in being understood,not havering to explain and hope others will understand. Also comfort (for me anyway) in knowing your reactions are the same as others

Take care

Croix