Difficulty connecting and generating fulfilling friendships

[ProDude]

Has anyone here ever felt like they are normal, and yet always found it difficult to fit into most social groups, and/or really connect with their peers of a similar age. For me, this has been an issue for as long as I can remember. After spending years going around in circles feeling dissatisfied in trying to understand the problem, and find a solution, I have finally turned to this forum.

To give a brief description of myself, I am a 20 year old male who studies Law at university and works as a barista. I'd describe myself as the quieter type (but definitely not afraid to contribute to conversation and give my opinion), driven, a bit serious, but also genuine and caring of others. When I say I don't feel like I connect, it just seems like I'm not really seen as the kind of person people really want much to do with. When it comes to people my age, I can see one reason is because my outlook is different. I've never been one to really go out partying and get drunk, hoon around or really do anything that I would consider to be irresponsible. Maybe it's a sign that maybe I've matured at a faster rate. But that issue aside, it does not cover everyone.

When it comes to the friends I do make, they seem to falter in one of three ways.

1. A uni or work friend where the friendship is isolated to that environment and can't go any deeper - superficial

2. A friend who does seem a bit closer, but is always introverted and lacks any real social skills to be fun to hang out with

3. A 'friend' who just loses interest or ends up backstabbing

I don't really know how well I'm getting my point across or in really communicating how I'm feeling. The truth is I've just always felt isolated, unwanted and frustrated. I don't have an A+ amazing personality that draws people in, maybe I'm just boring. I'll try to not try too hard, but at the same time I yearn to connect and have friendships where it's equal, instead of me giving and never getting anything back.

[Hikarue]

Hey ProDude, welcome to the forum.

I found that I can totally relate to your post. Well this is because in the past, I was bullied in school, having all the rest of the student avoiding me when it comes to groups activities and having not much friends in my schooling days. I even remember that when my teacher asked the class to write an essay about "my best friend" I wrote "I don't have any friends, no one wants to be my friend" haha.. I can now look back and laugh at it. Things are different for me now. I have a lot of very good friends and most people seems to enjoy my company where ever I go. I find it very easy making new friends and keeping them.

You are still young, only 20 years old. Trust me, things will change. You said about your 3 categories of friends which I can totally relate to. Well, I what I did was to first focus on building good friendship with category 2. Don't feel as that because they are also introvert or unpopular socially, they are no fun. Definition of "fun to hang out with" varies from person to person. For example, I never find those that go partying and clubing are fun to hang out with, but those that share same interest with me such as singing in church, doing cosplay and going to community events are way more fun to hang out with. You are at the age of learning to choose your good friends so don't worry if you think that more people of your age are enjoying doing something different than you. Be yourself and build good friendship with people who are like you, not trying to change yourself to be someone else just to fit in another social community. Good luck!

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

Hey Dude,

Your post made me think about friends and friendships. It is very complex, and just as each of us is unique, so is each friendship....doubly so!

I think a lot of people feel/think the same way as you. Even the most outgoing extrovert probably questions the same things at some point. Perhaps the only difference is people like you and me think about it more often, and at a deeper level. Which is not a bad thing?!

Friendships can be very similar to romantic relationships. Love is needed for both. There are always ups and downs. We will never think alike about everything. Accepting others opinions and choices are going to be different to our own may help in forming deeper friendships. In a way it is like giving forgiveness after an argument.

In any relationship, there will always be one who gives more than the other, maybe it should just be a bit more 'even' than you are finding atm. Perhaps that is a gauge to if you will be able to form a lasting relationship with a person. Of course, this may seesaw with time, as one person needs more at a particular time, or maybe cannot give what is needed in the moment for a personal reason unknown to the other.

There are so many nuances involved in our personal interactions. There are many requirements that must be met in order for friendships to develop. Like-mindedness is a starting point. (Why is it accepted that opposites attract romantically, surely such a relationship would be doomed). Time is vital. It's gonna take repeated interactions for friendships to develop. Openness & willingness to sharing 'self' with each other, which includes honesty & trust, of course this takes time. Acceptance of differences & forgiveness. I could go on.

It is indeed a tangled web.

We have many acquaintances, but are lucky if we form 1 or 2 true friendships in our lives.

Perhaps it is like 'love', it will likely find us when we are not looking for it, so you are right to try not to try too hard.

There are lots of yg people on BB (so in your community too) who are the same as you and don't like partying & hooning. It may seem like they are harder to find but If you participate in activities that you enjoy, you will find like-minded people which is a good starting point. Look for opportunities to meet new people, or spend more time with those that you already know (& like). Allow time for friendships to develop.

Keep being yourself.

[Neil_1]

Hey there pro dude,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you heaps for coming here and providing your post.

Now, one thing that screams out to me here, is that dude (pro dude, even – sorry, couldn’t help myself), you’re only 20yo … you’re just a pup. There’s so much more ahead of you and for the most part, it sounds like what you’ve got happening in your life is pretty good.

For me with my depression, and severe anxiety, I find friends to be highly over-rated, but having said that, it’s still good to have some who you can call on, at different stages.

I think back to when I was 20yo and ok, I really can’t think back that far, so I can’t remember my friends base too well … but from poor memory it was littered with work colleagues and cricket and aussie rules mates; and stemming from that, some friendships developed, due to some of these people having other like minded interests – like running, gym, horse racing, having a punt, a beer, etc.

I guess what I’m trying to say here, is that among the people who you frequent (pronounced ‘free quent’, not the usual pronunciation of this word – hmmm, perhaps I should have used associate) with, what you “may” find is that just during general chit chat or banter, you might strike up interests that are common to two people.

It’s those like-minded interests that really can make an acquaintance go from just being an acquaintance, to being a mate.

I hope I’ve shed some light here and haven’t waffled on too much.

Neil